FET recap

Yesterday was transfer day.  All went well.  Here are the details of the day.
We woke up and had breakfast in the hotel.  Them I went upstairs to the clinic for my blood draw.  I had 3 nurses attend based on what happened last time.  I'm happy to report that it only took one poke and in the forearm.  I was in and out in 10 min.  That was a huge relief.
We then continued our photo taking quest from the day before.  We visited Thomas Bata University, the college where our donor attended.  We found a very small book store that sold shirts and sweatshirts, but none in Duncan's size.  They did however sell a beach ball so we were able to purchase something. We then walked to a farmers market that we had found the last time we were here and took pictures there as well.  Duncan was happy to find a guy selling popcorn.  Lastly we walked over to the oldest house in town which we had also discovered the last time we were here.  The one thing we found this time, that we missed last time was the main square.  Obviously its very small.   We had walked on the street in front of it last time.  It had several shops,  cafes and coffee shops.  We wandered around there taking more pictures until it was time for my appointment.
Next up was our appointment with embryology and with Anna our coordinator. She is the English speaking contact we have and has been a huge help through the process both times.  I was so excited for Duncan to meet her.  Without exaggeration,  I bet I've exchanged at least 500 emails with her if not more.  She was our life line through all of this.  We brought her a gift as a thank you and it was so very sweet to have Duncan give it to her.  I asked if she would hold him so I could take a photo of them together and I got some really great ones.
We then got down to business.  OUR EMBRYOS SURVIVED THE THAW!!!! They both started hatching right before the time of transfer. 

I only have a dark and grainy photo.  I'm going to ask for a better one tomorrow and see if they took any other pictures.  But who cares, our little embryos awoke and started growing and that's the first huge step.  I also got my progesterone numbers back and they were 131.  No need to change any medication so just going to stay on our current protocol until I go for more blood work.
After our meeting, Duncan and Ryan had to go.  They wouldn't be allowed in for transfer and it was lunchtime anyways so they headed off. Anna gave Duncan a big kiss on the cheek and he said goodbye. I hugged and kissed both my guys and they left in search of a park and lunch.
They don't offer acupuncture here so I was unable to get treatment before or after transfer which is what I would do back home.  At the wellness center they did offer a head and shoulder massage.  I thought that would be a good idea before the transfer.  That was a big mistake.  There was nothing wrong with the massage, but I was just a ball of nerves and it made it so very hard to lay still.  It was almost torture more than relaxing.  Finally it was over and I could move around.

I went back to the room to get ready for transfer.  They ask that you wear just a shirt and then your robe and slippers.  I put on my dream big socks and headed to transfer.

They have a waiting room you sit in before transfer that is a room with a few beds.  I waited in that room for about 45 minutes.  There was one lady before me.  It was nice to have some extra time alone.  I sat down and listened to a few short guided meditations.  Then I did a bunch of squats and sit ups and then some yoga poses and finally some stretching.  This all really helped calm me down.

Finally it was my turn.  They escorted me into the operating room.  There were two nurses.  One doing the work and another one to translate what was going on in English.  Then the doctor came in and we went over what was going to happen.   Confirmed that we were transfering two and using Embryoglue.  Then the embryologist cane in and introduced herself.  That's when she informed me that they both had started to hatch and said she would show me on the monitor.  She left and went into the lab and shortly after, on the monitor were these two gorgeous embryos.  It brought tears to my eyes to see them.  I then laid back, feet up and the transfer began.  The only thing different this time from all the other times is the embryologist participated in transferring the embryos. The doctor set everything up and then she came back with the pipette containing our embryos.  She was the one to actual place them.  Then she left to confirm they were both gone and the pipette was empty, which it was.  She then said good luck, squeezed my hand and left.  The doctor also wished me well and left. Then the two nurses wheeled my gurney back into my room.  There was a small mishap where they took a corner too close and knocked a chunk of drywall off.  Both Ryan and Duncan think this is hilarious and laugh every time they pass it.  They then transferred me to my bed and instructed me to lay still for an hour.  It's a lot easier to do that in your own bed than in the uncomfortable bed with stirrups that usually happens.  So I laid back and watched the latest Kevin Hart standup.  It was the perfect mindless activity.  Shortly after I took a nap.  I laid in bed the rest of the afternoon and evening as I have now entered the bed rest position of all this.  The boys shared a burger for dinner and I again indulged in peanuts and a granola bar.  We all went to bed shortly after.  Now just hoping and praying for a successful implantation.  Stick babies stick!

Day 10 - FET Day

Today is the big day!  It's 4am here now and of course I can't sleep.  So much going on.
In a few short hours (around 10pm California time) the embryologist will wake our embryos from their deep sleep from the last 3 years.  Hopefully they had a great nap and are ready to go to work.  That's the first big obstacle,  surviving the thaw. 
Then at 11am our time (2am California time) we meet with the embryologist to find out their status.  We had 2 perfectly graded embryos going into the freeze and hopefully that's what we get out.
Then at 1pm our time (5am California time) I head into the operating room and transfer those embabies and welcome them home.  Then it's 1 hour in recovery trying to stay perfectly still and then after that it's the waiting game.
So today is the day.  Pray that our little ones find comfort and want to stick around for about the next 39 or so weeks.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Trying Again for a Sibling

So here we are, back at it again.  We have two embryos left from our previous cycle so we are moving forward to try for a sibling.  To catch you up, or for those that didn't follow our other blog that continued on from here once we became pregnant, on Dec 29th 2016 we welcomed our son into the world.  However, our pregnancy, wasn't the happy wonderful time in our lives that we had hoped for.  We found out we were pregnant with twins early on.  Then we were told we were about the miscarry one and possibly both and were put on immediate and strict bedrest.  Then we pulled through and held on to both babies.  Then at 12 weeks and 5 days, we found out that baby B had serious issues, his organs were all formed outside of his ribs. (I refer to him as a he, but we were never able to confirm gender)  This meant he wouldn't survive outside of my belly for much more than a few hours at best and they started talking to us about palliative care. We were then told that he was 'breathing' toxins into the amniotic fluid and that with each breath, he was causing harm to baby A.  We were faced with the horrible task of having to say goodbye too early.  But of course this also faced issues.  The procedure done had a high chance of effecting baby A as well, but by doing nothing, there posed an even higher risk of losing both babies.  So on June 25th, at 13 weeks and 1 day, we said good bye to Baby B and hoped and prayed that Baby A would survive.  Baby A did survive, but part of me didn't.  I will never ever forget that day, that procedure, that doctor, it is my forever nightmare. My entire 39 weeks of pregnancy, I was on bedrest or restricted activity for all but 5 weeks.  So to say the least, it was awful.  I will always have a hole in my heart and a little bit of my soul that feels incomplete.  I mourn my baby often.  There aren't a lot of words to explain the pain I feel.  I should have two babies,  my son should have his brother, but we don't and I've had to figure out a way to continue on for him.  It took a lot of therapy and a lot of tears and I still feel like it happened yesterday.
The last thing I want to do is live through another pregnancy, it was by far the worst time of my life.  And I thought trying to get pregnant was awful, but losing our baby was about as low as I have ever felt.  So why are we doing this again?????  Because I feel like I owe it to my son to at least try for a sibling.  I have a brother and I had so much fun growing up with him, and while only children are fine, I just would love my son to have a sibling.  Reason number 2 is that we already created these embryos.  They are just waiting for us and the opportunity at life.  They deserve a chance.

So like I started out this blog, here we are again.  Our last cycle was the only time I became pregnant in 6 1/2 years of treatments so we are going to duplicate that cycle.  That means that step 1 is a d&c in order to create a new and fresh uterine lining.  I will be put under anesthesia, but it will be a simple procedure. We will be doing that in January.  In the meantime I am going to put some focus on getting my body baby ready.  That means a trip to the naturopath and lots of trips to the gym as well on some mental health steps to wrap my head around gearing up for this.  Even though we will be a nervous wreck if it does work, we would love more than anything for it to work.  However, this is our one and only shot at it.  We will be transferring both embryos and so its a one and done situation, either it works or it doesn't.  So we are hoping and praying for it to work and to be able to give our son a sibling.  Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we embark on this journey because we will need all the support we can get.
Welcome to our journey of round 2!

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Transfer Day

Today started as predicted. Ryan and I handle stress very differently. He sleeps a lot and I don't sleep at all. So I've been up since about 3 am. The IF PTSD is a tough thing to shake. Everytime I gear up to do this again, all my brain thinks of is the last failure and keeps replaying that in my head. I am trying very hard to push those thoughts away.
I figured since I was up I would start my morning medication routine. I starts with my thyroid pill that I can only take on an empty stomach.  Then I wait an hour, then I ate something in order to take all my pills that I have to take with food.
Next up is getting ready for the transfer. We needed to bring our meds, our clothing for the transfer, our paperwork, my meditation tapes from Jeneanne for post transfer and my good luck stone, egg and St. Gerard card and last but not least, a crazy pair of transfer socks.

Next stop, back to the Tomosov for bloodwork. That went fine, except when I left I ran into the wife of the husband that was mentioned earlier that wore underwear and slippers and she too was wearing her pajamas and slippers. I didn't have my phone handy so I couldn't snap a photo of that.

Next up, downstairs for a hearty breakfast. They make some really awesome fresh smoothies here. I ordered the pineapple and mint.

Next we explored Zlin because we had about two hours to kill. We walked around the very small city center. There was a farmers market and several little shops. We found the University where our donor came from. For a brief moment I looked around to see if anyone fit her description but quickly got over it.

We then made the trek back up the hill for our embryologist appointment and to meet with our transfer doctor. That was the most nervous I have been the whole time. Luckily we recieved good news. We had a total of 4 embryos to work with. We decided to transfer two and freeze two. Hopefully the two frozen will be for a sibling, but if this doesn't work at least we have another chance.

Next up, transfer time. We checked in and were escorted back to our recovery room

. I changed into a lovely skirt/gown and my new hopefully lucky socks.

 Ryan carried all of our lucky charms in his pocket and we waited for our final instructions. Next came in Anna, my coordinator who went over all of results and protocols. She gave us my blood test results and ryan sperm test results, all in English for our files and our doctor back home. We also ordered all of our final medications. The best news was that my progesterone levels were high enough that I didn't need to supplement with PIO!!!!! One less shot so I'm happy.

We transfered the two embryos and then they wheeled us back to our recovery bed. We had the 4 bed room to ourselves. I put on an eye mask and put on the meditation tapes. I ended up falling asleep and ryan read a book on his nook. We stayed there about an hour and a half. Then I slowly got up and we headed to the lobby to meet our driver to our next hotel in Brno which is about an hour away. As soon as we checked in to our room, I put on my pj's and bed rest officially begins.  And now the 2WW....

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

Fertilization Report

Our ER was yesterday and below is the report and our next steps. We are very happy with the results, but will be on pins and needles until we get our final report on the 19th.

We will try and keep busy over the next few days. I found a place to hang our good luck egg in our hotel room. Tomorrow we are taking a day trip to Saltzburg which we are very much looking forward to.

Here is our report:
Yesterday we retrieved 12 eggs from a donor,

12 of them were mature, and 10 were fertilized with  PICSI, so you have 10 embryos now. They are monitored by EmbryoScope.

Your partner had his semen analysis done and the result is  asthenosperm (sufficient for IVF)  . He had 0 dose of sperm cryopreserved because the whole sample was used for fertilization.

Embryo transfer is scheduled for Tuesday 1:00 pm( 13:00 pm).

Please, have all your medication as prescribed as well as morning Progesterone (Utrogestan) pills vaginally. The main ingredient will be absorbed within 30 mins and white discharge will be cleaned in the operation theatre during embryo transfer.

Please come at 10:00 am  to 3d floor to give your blood for progesterone level.

You can have your breakfast before giving a blood.

You will have your consultation with embryologist at  12:40 pm    – please come to the 3d floor, you will be given an information about how many embryos you have and what quality they are.

Take your passports  and filled consent forms, which you will sign in front of the doctor or other clinic staff.  We cannot provide ET without signed consent forms.

After the consultation please come to 1st floor to financial dept. to balance your payment.

Then please come to 3d floor for the transfer. Please, take a bathrobe (long t-shirt) and slippers (socks) with you.  You will stay in the recovery room after the transfer for about 1 hour and I will then bring you the final report to your room.

It is better if you have a half full bladder for embryo transfer. You may drink around 2 glasses of water 1 hr before the embryo transfer, or just do not use the bathroom 2hrs before the procedure. Please, do not lead it to the critical as well, because you need to lie for 1 more hour once embryos are transferred.

You will continue taking medications prescribed, so please  make sure you have enough until  week 12th . I can give you the prescriptions for the meds you missing or make sure you will be able to arrange the meds in your country.

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

4 Years by the Numbers

Recently I read an article with a picture of a baby surrounded by the number of shots it took to bring her into this world.  To read the article click here  It got me thinking about how many shots I have taken and what we have gone through.  Here are our numbers:

0  BFPs

1  amazingly strong husband that has been my rock through all of this

1  amazingly cute puppy dog that cuddles every time I need it

2  fresh transfers

2  FETs

3  IUIs

4  years TTC

5  IVFs

6  BFN phone calls

8  fertility doctors that have performed at least one procedure on me

11  embryos created and lost

19  different medication I have ingested or injected along the way

208  number of days spent in tears (approx once a week since this started)

550  approx number of daily shots from first IUI to the last IVF

1460  days of infertility treatments

$$$  amount of money spent on treatment (too scary to actually write down and publish)

FET Recap

Today was our FET, our long awaited, highly anticipated FET.  We don't have the best news to share but we are trying very hard to stay hopeful and positive.  One of our embryos had some complications and it isn't looking too good right now.  We did still end up transferring both which I will explain in a minute and we still have high hopes for both of them.

I started off the day with a wonderful yoga practice at 7am.  While I was at yoga I asked Ryan to run to the store and pick up some last minute items.  I have been doing all kinds of research from women who got positive results and what they did on the day of their transfer and what they did during the 2WW.  Of course it was all over the place and I really don't feel like eating one kiwi will actually be the deal maker but it really helps my mental health to continue to do all I can to make this miracle happen.  So off to yoga I went and off to the store he went.  When I came back home I was greeted with a really sweet card from him.  I then took a bath since it would be a while before I can take a nice long hot one again and Ryan took Parker on a walk, then off we went.

We went to SDFC and checked in.  There was a friendly face in the lobby, a friend's mother was keeping her company before her ER.  She gave me a giant hug before I went in and it was very comforting.  First stop was acupuncture.  Ryan kept me company in the room.  Then about 5 minutes in, I realized I forgot my awesome socks.  Ryan ran back home to get them.  Staying warm is one of the good luck, fingers crossed tricks to try.  So I stayed and did my treatment sans socks for now, but rockin my awesome Motley Crue shirt.  Oh and we listened to Without You on the way to the clinic. It was our song at our wedding and always puts a smile on our faces.

This isn't a stock photo, this is our actual embryo.
Our perfect and wonderful embryo.
This is the one the survived the thaw strong and intact.

Next stop was the surgical center at SDFC.  The FET was performed in the minor procedures room.  I took my valium (they give you one to relax if you want one) and settled in to start to relax.  Then the embryologist came in to deliver the news.  We had two chromosomally normal embryos frozen in  June.  We had decided to implant both to increase our chances of a live birth.

This is our other embryo that needs some extra love and prayers.
We have not given up and hope.
This one fights just a little harder than it should have to.

About 2-3 years ago the technology of freezing embryos wasn't where it is today.  Today there is very little chance of losing an embryo in the thaw, about 4% chance really.  Well we have a way of always falling into those tiny minute crap odds.  One of ours started to leak and collapse during the thaw.  It was so unexpected.  Of all the things that could go wrong, this didn't even register as a possibility. Ryan wasn't back yet and I just crumbled into the arms of the embryologist.  As soon as Ryan walked in and saw me crying, I'm sure he knew.  I went from her arms around me to his.  We were both truly devastated.  We collected ourselves and the doctor came in.   We talked about what had happened and what the next steps would be,  The good news is that our other embryo did great and was looking really good.  The second embryo, while breaking down, still had a few cells in it and he recommended still transferring that one.  I asked if we should still have hope and his answer was that the odds weren't 0 so we should remain hopeful.  So with my fancy socks on we moved forward with the FET.

The bright white line below the green arrow are our embryos.

The whole FET procedure does not take very long at all.  You fill out some paperwork, sign some legal consent forms and they go over the procedure and what your limitations are afterwards.  There is a monitor connected to the lab and they flash on the screen our petri dish with our name on it and we confirm that it is ours.  Then they insert the catheter.  We had some HCG added to the embryo solution.  That is a fairly newer trick they are trying to help with implantation.  They whole procedure we can see on another ultrasound monitor to the side of me.  They insert the embryos and take a picture and we have a photo of the exact second they come back to me.  As soon as I saw them on the screen I closed my eyes and began to talk to them.  I welcomed them home and promised I would take good care of them for the next 9 months and hoped that they would stay.  When it was over you stay on the gurney for about 20 minutes.  As soon as the doctors and nurses left.  I put my hand on my belly to say hello and Ryan did too.

After the FET I went back to acupuncture for  my follow up treatment.  I then came home, ate some soup, only warm food for the next two weeks and practically melted onto the couch.  Between all the stress of the day I was exhausted.  Later, I watched comedies on Netflix.  I had read that laughing is really good, both for your emotional self as well as it physically helps increase blood flow to your stomach muscles.

6 Days To Go - Intralipids

So last night I started spotting and freaked out that they were going to cancel my cycle.  By morning the spotting had stopped but I was still really nervous.  At 10am I went for my monitoring appointment.  Kristen was my nurse which was great because she knows me so well and could calm me down.  During the ultrasound, she measure my lining about 5 times and each measurement was over 8 which is great.  The lining is where it needs to be and it has grown since the last appointment so things are moving in the right direction. They took my blood to test the estrogen levels, which came back a little low but still in the normal range.  They added an extra vivelle patch so now I'm on 3 patches changed every 3 days.  I also got the rest of my calendar for the rest of the cycle.  Because of the spotting and my anxiety over all this, I requested another monitoring appointment.  I didn't want to go almost a week and then just show up for a transfer so I am going back on Friday for a piece of mind appointment.

At the appointment we turned in all of our consent and legal forms.  We both signed on the dotted line to transfer 2 embryos.  So it looks like we are going full steam ahead with transferring both embryos.

The bigger news of the day is that today was the day for my intralipid infusion.  This has been a long time coming.  I originally scheduled an appointment with a company that does them way back in June for September.  When I came back from Hawaii there was an email waiting for me from the company stating that they were going out of business in San Diego and they were cancelling my appointment.  I scrambled all of last week to find another place that could do in and compared cost.  The intralipids could have been done at my doctor's office, but the costs was really high.  I was able to find an outside company that did it for 1/4 of the cost and after 5 IVF cycles, every dollar counts at this point.

Here is some info about intralipids from an article on ABC News. 

Intralipid infusion therapy is a sterile fat emulsion containing soy oil, chicken egg yolk, glycerine and water.  The infusion is in liquid form and administered intravenously.  It is a non invasive procedure carried out in clinic as part of a treatment cycle.  Research has found that raised natural killer cell activity (toxic white blood cells) can act against an embryo and prevent its implantation into the endometrium.  This is known as implantation failure.  In addition, some autoimmune disorders can also have a detrimental impact upon the healthy implantation and early progress of an embryo which can also cause implantation failure and early miscarriage.  Intralipid therapy is designed to combat these factors.

My appointment was at noon today.  The company was located in a business park.  Inside it had a room for infusions, some admin cubicles, some offices and a giant lab where the make the IV drugs.  I walked in and picked a chair.

I have had a few friends do this ahead of me so I knew what to expect and what to bring.  I bought a neck pillow, a blanket, magazines, my iPod, some snacks and an eye mask.  They provided water and snacks, but none of the snacks were gluten free some I'm glad I brought my own.  The neck pillow definitely made it more comfortable.  The blanket was to put over the IV so I didn't have to look at it.  The magazines are really easy to read as compared to a book.  Remember you only have one hand, the IV arm is not that usable and a friend of mine that brought a book was unable to read it with just one hand free.  The iPod just helped to pass the time.  From start to finish I was there about 2 hours and 45 minutes but part of that was arriving early to fill out paperwork.  The eye mask was in case anyone else was in the room with me.  They have three chairs and can book all three at the same time if needed.  I would have worn the the mask if someone else was in the room, I am just not very good at looking at needles.  Luckily I had the room to myself.

I had a small amount of paperwork to fill out and a ton of questions to answer.  My main concern was making sure that every single thing was latex free.  After my last latex allergy issue with my last surgery that is the last thing I wanted to deal with.  After everything checked out they started to make my infusion in the lab.  The weird thing was that it was bright white.  I wasn't expecting that.  All the other IVs I've had have been clear so it was just weird.

I tried my watermelon trick again and it worked like a charm.  The IV was started on the first try. They connect the intralipids to a machine and the drip starts.  From this point, it takes a little less than 2 hours to finish.  So I put my neck pillow on, placed the blanket over they IV on my arm, put my iPod earbuds in and tried to relax.  The nurse didn't stay in the room with me, but about every 20 - 30 minutes would come in and check on me, ask me how I was feeling and then would take my temperature and blood pressure.

The IV was not painful but the whole experience was upsetting.  It brought about a lot of emotions.  I was mad.  Mad that I was there having to do this.  Mad that the whole infertility journey is just so unfair and takes forever.  Mad that I am in the position of pumping weird things into my body on the off chance that this will work.  I put on Pantera and just went with my feelings.  Pantera is the best band to listen to when you are upset, it is just angry pissed off music.  About an hour into the treatment, I started to feel less angry and just accepted of the situation.  I read my magazine and switched to listening to Velvet Revolver.

There was very little physical side effects of the intralipids.  The main thing is the arm with the IV in it got really really cold.  I was glad I had the blanket to cover up looking at it as well as keeping me warm.  I also got really tired towards the end.  As soon as it was over, i came home, through on some pjs and took a quick nap.  However, that could have been the stress and anxiety of the day finally being over too.

For those folks in San Diego, here is the information about the clinics in the area that do intralipid infusions.

Corum Infusion Services
858-576-6969 (phone)
866-484-4397 (fax)


Crescent Healthcare
858-547-8487 (phone) 
858-578-5372 (fax)

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

The Calendar & The Protocols

We received our calendar and all of our protocols and everything else that comes along with an FET.  Its exciting and nerve wracking, high anxiety, tons of fear and lots of hope and literally about every other emotion that goes along with it.  We have consulted with our naturopathic doctors, our reproductive endocrinologist, our acupuncturist, our friends in our support group, our friends in our online support group and of course the internet.  We decided on a protocol that we both feel comfortable with. We are literally doing everything we possibly can to help our embryos implant.

Our protocol includes; bcps, lupron, vivelle patches, prednisone, dexamethasone, lovenox, endometrin and antibiotics.  For treatments and procedures we are doing the scratch (Ryan is out of town but luckily my Mom is available and she will go with me), intralipids and acupuncture.  I have 4 blood tests along the way to make sure that all my hormone levels are where they should be and the last one is specifically to test my thyroid.  At the transfer, along with the embryos we will inject hcg in the catheter.  If I stay on track and all the blood tests and ultrasounds look good then our FET is tentatively scheduled for Sept 30th.  And then all that's left to do is hope and pray that this works.

Here is my latest calendar (written out on my Chargers calendar).  It is so much easier to have it all written out.  With so many drugs it makes it much easier to keep track.  Its also a great visual to know where the end goal is.  Once I start the injections, I start crossing the days off and counting down how many needles I have left.  It's little things like that that help me get through the craziness of fertility drugs.  31 injections until our FET.  Our last IVF cycle we did over 80 shots so just writing 31 makes me feel so much better.

August

September

Thanks for reading,

HEATHER

The Next Step is Finally Here

I finally got the all clear from all my doctors and started the next step of the process which is priming for the FET.  I started bcps last tuesday and I got in tomorrow for blood work and an ultrasound.  If everything checks out ok, I will get my calendar for the upcoming FET.

We are going to throw everything we can at this transfer which means doing every procedure, every drug, every supplement and every lifestyle change we can to hope and pray that this one works.

So far I have focused on my fertility focused diet and as much yoga as I can possibly do.  One day I did 3 classes!  I am taking supplements for health, being a vegetarian and for the transfer.  Next I am going to work on the mind part of this.  I just ordered some affirmation cards and I am going to start meditating on a more frequent basis.

As far as how many embryos we will transfer, at the moment we are leaning towards transferring both.  However we are always changing our minds so we still have time to change back to one only.  The final decision has to be made the day before the transfer so we have until then to decide for sure.

Lastly, my mantle of hope has grown a little bigger.  A friend gifted to Ryan and I a rock that says live to help us to remember that our infertility and our struggles don't define us, yes it is a part of who we have become but it isn't the whole part.  We have to remember to LIVE!

And on that happy note, Ryan and I are off to Kauai to celebrate our 5th anniversary, to relax and destress and get ready for our transfer.

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

Shrine to Fertility

     Over the years we have received various good luck charms from family and friends.  Today I decided to put them all together and create a shrine to fertility.  Hopefully putting all of that love and energy in a spot where I can see it, will really help me feel the support that I desperately need.  At this point in our journey, it is so very important to stay positive which is something I really have a hard time with.  Thanks to all that have added to our shrine.

     My brother gave me this wooden stretch Saint bracelet as a good luck charm.  He isn't Catholic, but he is religious.  He has one too that he wears. I was wearing it the day we found out that we had two normal embryos which is the first time I have ever gotten good news from the doctor.  I had a friend that was also going to get a phone call from her doctor and I kept it on until the phone rang for her.  She received good news too!  The power of the bracelet.

     My friend who is Catholic, gave me this St. Gerard laminated prayer card.  St. Gerard is the patron saint of expectant mothers.  I used to keep it in my car so that I looked at it every day, but now it is on the mantle.  The St. Gerard prayer is written on the back and reads :  O good Saint Gerard, powerful intercessor before God and Wonderworker of our day, I call upon thee and seek thy aid. Thou who on earth didst always fulfill God’s designs, help me to do the holy Will of God. Beseech the Master of Life, from Whom all paternity proceedeth, to render me fruitful in offspring, that I may raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the Kingdom of His Glory in the world to come. Amen.


     My Aunt gave me an amazing gift.  She gave me a special pouch with some very special items inside.  My Aunt is very spiritual and spends a lot of time with Native American friends and loves the spirituality the culture provides.  She was very close to a woman named Phyllis Big Left Hand.  Phyllis was Southern  Cheyenne.  I met her a few times.  Once Phyllis blessed me at a Pow Wow in Los Angeles years ago.   She was raised by a medicine man in the traditional ways of their culture so she was the real deal.  The leather that the pouch is made of is buckskin.  It was gifted to my Aunt during a healing ceremony on the Pima Reservation in Arizona.  Inside the pouch is all spirit sage, tobacco, cedar and lavender.  The all spirit sage, tobacco, cedar were also gifts from Phyllis.  They were meant for my Aunt to inspire her to learn the old ways and songs.  The stone my Aunt found at a crystal shop when she was looking for something for me.  She said the stone placed itself in her hand.  The stone is the shape of an embryo which is what drew her to it.  My Grandmother contributed by added some lavender to the pouch.  Not only does lavender smell great but it is also my favorite color.  In the Native American culture the turtle is the oldest symbol for Mother Earth and often a sign of fertility for many tribes.  Other Native American tribes see Turtle as a symbol of persistence and endurance.  The beadwork along the edge of the pouch is symbol of a Cherokee medicine wheel.  Then my Aunt said she blessed it off before she gave it to me.

     Lastly, my Grandmother gave me a candle for Christmas.  She saw that this candle had a picture of a baby on it and thought it would help to bring me good luck.  Technically it's a picture of a statue known as Divine Child Jesus.  But hey, if she thought of us when she saw it and thinks that it will bring us good luck, I'll take it!  At this point I will take all the luck and good thoughts anyone wants to send our way.  Ryan and I lit this candle the night before our transfer and said a baby dust prayer.(shown in a previous post called Egg Retrieval).  

Thanks for all the love and support!  The mantel looks lovely.  Here's hoping some baby dust is coming our way! Please still keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  It means so much to us and we really appreciate.

Thanks for reading,

HEATHER

Regroup

We had our regroup yesterday with our doctor and came up with a FET protocol and strategy.  We have a few things that are up to us to decide before we move forward.  Our doctor wants to do another test to make sure my uterus is still normal.  We are also doing a few blood tests with our naturopathic doctor just to make sure that we are checking everything we possibly can.

The most exciting news we received  yesterday was  that we found out the gender of our two embryos.  We have decided at this time that we are going to keep that news to ourselves.  We want to keep some part of our reproductive life to ourselves :)  If we actually get a BFP, then we will share.

The first thing we need to do is another sonohysterogram (SHG).  This is a test to make sure there is nothing in my uterus that would interfere with the embryo implanting such as polyps, adhesions or fibroids.  I had this done last year and there were no issues.  My doctor wants to do another one to make sure there hasn't been any changes.  This is a painless test that only take a few minutes in the doctors office.

The first big decision we have is how many embryos to implant.  If we implant both we have a 65% chance and if we implant only one, we have a 50% chance.  Obviously if we implant both then we also have a higher chance of twins which we would be totally fine with.  But if it doesn't work, we would have nothing left to try again.  Or if it does work and only one takes, then we don't have another chance for a sibling.  We have up until the day before the transfer to decide.  Knowing us we will go back and forth a million times before we make up our minds.

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

Final Embryo Report part 2

WE GOT 1 MORE NORMAL!!!!!!! - Couldn't wait until the end of the blog to share :)  Here are the details.

 Waiting by the phone never gets any easier.  These calls never get easier.  The sleepless nights never go away.  I waited all day yesterday for the call from the embryologist to call with the final report on our last 2 blasts.  I got a call around 3:30pm saying the results weren't in yet.  Hopefully they would come in the next day but Monday at the latest.

I finally fell asleep around 3am and woke up around 5am.  I woke up with a racing heart as if I drank 10 shots of espresso.  The results of today's call is just so huge.  Anymore normals and we significantly increase our chance of becoming parents at least once.  If the final 2 are abnormal, then we have officially closed a chapter in our books and our potential child will never have the chance of a sibling.  

The phone rang and I swear she was talking in slow motion. She finally revealed that we have 1 more normal to add to the one already waiting on ice for us.  I asked that she not reveal the sex because I wanted my husband and I to be together when we find out.  We have a follow up on June 1st to discuss next steps and at that appointment we will get the official report which will reveal the sex of both embryos.  

Here are our results of all our embryos:

1 - IVF bank cycle #1, biopsy date 3/16 - CHROMOSOMALLY NORMAL
2 - IVF bank cycle #1, biopsy date 3/17 - ANEUPLOIDY  (discarded)
3 - IVF bank cycle #2, biopsy date 5/11 - ANEUPLOIDY  (discarded)
4 - IVF bank cycle #2, biopsy date 5/12 - ANEUPLOIDY  (discarded)
5 - IVF bank cycle #2, biopsy date 5/12 - CHROMOSOMALLY NORMAL

After she revealed that we had 1 normal, she discussed that we had another aneuploidy and that she needed my permission to discard it.  I told her she was breaking my heart but that I understood.   Between having another discussion about having to discard another unusable embryo that I had worked so hard to create, and the ecstatic news of hearing that we had two normals, as soon as I hung up the phone, I burst into tears.  I called Ryan to tell him the good news, but I couldn't talk at first.  Infertility is just such an emotional rollercoaster.  I finally got the good news out and I could hear his excitement on the other end of the phone.

Part of the reason why this news is so emotional is because NONE of the doctors that we have meet with thought we would get here.  After our first 3 failed IVFs, we were told to move on to either donor or adoption.  Ryan and I were not ready to move on from the idea of have genetically related children.  So we decided to press on.  The doctor we are working with now gave us less than 7% chance on having a child.  And he was one of the more generous ones.  Basically, once you have 3 failed IVFs you become a lost cause in the infertility world of statistics.  He suggested that we do 3 banking cycle to get between 5 - 8 Day 5 blasts.  Statistically if we had at least 6 embryos, our PGS would come back with only 1 normal.  So now looking at having 2 normals with only 5 chances, you can see why this was such great news.

The next steps are preparing for the FET.  I have a regroup with my doctor on June 1.  Then we will come up with a strategy.  So far I know I am going to do the uterine scratching and intralipids.   I'll talk about those in a later post.  

Nothing is guaranteed and just because we have a normal embryo transfer, does not mean it will implant even, let alone grow into a child.  However we just significantly increased the odds of that happening. I am over the moon.  This is really the first good news we have heard in a very long time.  

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

Final Embryo Report - Day 6

So going into today, we had 1 blast, 4 potential blasts and lost everything else.  Of the 4 potential blast 2 did in fact make it to full blast form however they both were not graded that high, but good enough to biopsy and freeze.  So the final total from this cycle was 1 Day 5 blast and 2 Day 6 blasts.

This was our second cycle in a back to back banking cycle.  Our first cycle in March ended with 1 Day 5 blast and 1 Day 6 blast.  So we had 5 total embryos from both cycles.

The cells from the biopsy have been sent to Los Angeles for  PGS testing.  PGS testing test the chromosomes in the embryos and looks for abnormalities that wouldn't support life.  If you would like to learn more specifics about PGS and PGD,  click here.

A few of our cells slides have been tested already and we received our first report today.   Here are our results so far:

1 - IVF bank cycle #1, biopsy date 3/16 - CHROMOSOMALLY NORMAL
2 - IVF bank cycle #1, biopsy date 3/17 - ANEUPLOIDY  (discarded)
3 - IVF bank cycle #2, biopsy date 5/11 - ANEUPLOIDY  (discarded)
4 - IVF bank cycle #2, biopsy date 5/12 - ??????
5 - IVF bank cycle #2, biopsy date 5/12 - ??????

We should have the results tomorrow or Thursday at the latest for the last two.  Fingers crossed.

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

Embryo Report - Day 5

Today's the big day, the Day 5 report.  Today is  the day that all this hard work, the tears, the elimination diet, the stress, the supplements, the doctor appointments, the blood draws, the 100+ vials of medication given by my husband in 13 days and the anxiety have all been for.  The ultimate goal is getting as many embryos as you can get to make it to Day 5 blasts.  Blasts (Blastocyst) are basically when the embryo takes on the shape of what will hopefully the future baby.  There is an inner portion which will form the embryo and grow to become the baby and an outer section that forms the placenta.  The Morula stage has about 16 cells, the blast stage has 200-300 cells so a lot has to happen  to get here.  If the embryos makes it to this stage today, they will be biopsied and frozen.  If they are slower than they should be, they get 1 more day and 1 last chance to catch up and will be kept in culture and looked at tomorrow.

Because of the gravity of the situation, I achieved about 2 hours of sleep last night and Ryan got about 4.  Even Parker couldn't sleep, she picks up on our anxiety I think.   So I waited all day for the results.  The phone rang around 4pm.

We have:
1 blast (Good quality) - this is the only embryo that is right on track and exactly where it should be
4 early blasts (fair to good quality) - these are much farther behind where they should be
2 poor quality - discarded
5 officially not growing anymore - discarded

WE ARE DEVASTATED.

Embryo Report - Day 4

Flowers from my Mom from her garden.  They smell amazing!

Today's embryos should be compacting and forming Morulae. Cells at the Morula stage are not as distinct in shape so they do not get graded, but the rest that are still dividing and haven't quite made it to the Morulae stage yet still get the same grade scale of good, fair and poor.

Here is our report:

Morula-stage embryo

3 - complete Morulae
2 - 8 cell (graded good)
2 - 8 cell (graded fair)
1 - 7 cell (graded fair)
3 - 6 cell (graded fair)
1 - 4 cell (graded fair)
2 - 1 cells discarded today

The 3 that have completed the Morulae stage are right on track and have a very good chance of making it to tomorrow.  Our embryologist said that the 8 cells and the 7 cells are still growing so we need to check tomorrow to see if they have started to compact.  If they do, then they will be considered viable as well.   The 6 cells and the 4 cells have pretty much slowed down.  They are still technically growing, but there isn't very much hope for them to survive the night.  So now we are down to 8 viable embryos.  I had to end the call with the conversation of destroying the two 1 cell embryos so those are no longer with us.

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

Embryo Report - Day 3

Day 3 Embryo Report

Today we are looking for embryos to continue to grow and divide.  They are also graded more strictly today.  They grade based on symmetry of the cells and by coloring and pigment. They only have 3 grades, Good, fair and poor.  Basically they have to be perfect to get good and unusable to get poor so almost all of them are graded fair.  Ideally, embryos should be between 4 - 8 cells.

8 cell embryo

Here is our report:

4 - 8 cells (2 are good, 2 are fair)
3 - 6 cells (All are fair)
4 - 5 cells (All are fair)
1 - 4 cell (Graded good)
2 - 1 cell (These are the same as yesterday, still not dividing.  If the don't divide by tomorrow they will be discarded)

The good news...
We have GOOD embryos!  That is awesome.  We didn't have any last time so we are very pleased with this news.  We also didn't lose any between yesterday and today which is also good news.

The tough news to swallow...
The moment the embryologist talks about discarding our embryos it's like a stab to the heart.  It is such a difficult conversation to have.  They need our permission to do so which is why they bring it up.  It is just so hard to give up on them.  Logically I understand, but emotionally I feel like I just worked so hard for those little guys and as soon as they say they need to be discarded I picture someone just tossing them away in a trashcan.  I just wish they could serve some purpose like research perhaps, just being trashed it so difficult to hear.

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

Embryo Report - Day 2

Today our embryos are considered Day 2 embryos. They are expected to be dividing and starting to grow at this point.  They are usually between 2 and 4 cells today.  They start to look at the shape of the embryos and start to grade them as fair or below average.  They also look to see if any fragmentation has started on any of the embryos.

4 cell embryo

Here was our report card:

1 at 6 cells
3 at 5 cells
4 at 4 cells
1 at 3 cells
3 at 2 cells
2 at 1 cell (not growing)
All are at fair quality with minimal to no fragmentation.  So we lost 2 overnight and we have a total of 12 still viable embryos.

My total weight gain after the surgery was a whopping 11 lbs.  I literally woke up feeling much lighter today.  I weighed myself and confirmed that I was lighter, 6 lbs lighter.  Only 5 more lbs to go.  My stomach has gone down a lot and I feel almost back to normal.  I also went and got a B12 shot today so my energy level is great.  Lastly I was able to get my hair done and that always puts me in a good mood and makes me very happy.  I bet by tomorrow I will physically feel normal again.

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

Embryo Report - Day 1

I am still recovering from the effects of the surgery.  My stomach is still very bloated and I'm still a bit sore.  Overall I am feeling how I should be feeling at this point in time.  I have Tylenol and Tylenol with codeine and that is managing my pain.  I also have a heating pad to help with the sore stomach.

ICSI

Over the next 6 days I will be getting daily updates from the lab about how my embryos are doing.  We started off with 18 oocytes and we used ICSI on all of them.  Today's embryos check is looking to see how many eggs were successfully fertilized.  At this point the embryos are at the 1-cell stage.  Here is today's results:

18 follicles were retrieved
17 contained a mature egg
14 have fertilized and are embryos now

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER