Closure

What a funny title, closure.  Does anyone truly get closure after some life altering blow like this?  Does anyone ever move on from it?  Will I ever move on?  I doubt it.  I will always have this journey as part of my story and my family's story.  This is now embedded in the fabric of who we are and what we have become.  We are now officially a family of 3.  Even as I type this is still doesn't feel totally real and final, even though it is.  I guess the fog hasn't truly lifted.  May was spent in a daze, in true disbelief.  June was spent grieving.  Lots and lots of tears.  July was spent angry.
Now it is August 1st and I'm drawn back to the keyboard trying to find a way to deal with all the feelings.  All I know is that I am tired of feeling sad and angry all the time.  So I am calling August my month of gratitude. Years ago I was so defeated that I never even thought I would have a baby.  Then during my pregnancy, the horrible shock of having to say goodbye to one baby and faced with the threat of losing the other, I prayed every day that I would someday get to hold him in my arms and see his smiling face.  Well here I sit and I am blessed with love and laughter every day and at least for August I am going to try and focus on that.  While I will never get over losing our other baby, I am tasking myself with finding a way to mother the best that I can and find a way to bring that baggage along for the ride that isn't detrimental to either of us.  After all we did name him Duncan because it means fighter and boy did he fight to join us Earth side and be a part of our lives.  So now I fight to show him that we can cry sometimes, but that we can also pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and find the good out there.  When I first started writing this blog it was for myself, I needed to find a way to express how I was feeling.  Then I decided to write it for others that didn't have their voice yet.  So many folks battling infertility fight it alone.  But, now I write it for him.  I want him to know his story and how much I loved him for years before we ever met.  My goal is to get this printed and bound for him.  And just like with our journey, we needed an end point, a time to say we did our best and did all we could, this blog also needs an endpoint.  This is just one of the ways I can hope to find that magical mysterious thing called closure.  So I'll end this in gratitude to my dear son.

Duncan, 
You are the stars and the moon and the sun and all that is amazing in my world.  I am beyond lucky and grateful to finally be able to hold the title of your mother.  I hope one day that you will read this and just know how hard your father and I fought for you.  Know that we did all we could.  I am so sorry that you entered this world without your twin.  I am so devastated for you that your start was with loss.  I am heartbroken for how your story began.  We all know how strong you are and I hope that through out your life you can call on that strength whenever you need it. You are that fighter that we prayed for.  Fight every day for happiness and to see the good in this world.   I love you more than words can express.
Love,
Mom

Day 3 Intralipids. Zlin->Brno

Day 3 is described as DIFFICULT and that is putting it mildly.  Poor Duncan is just all over the place with sleep and the time difference really hit him hard.  So Day 3 started at 1am when he woke up just upset.  He didn't calm down until 3am and didn't sleep until 5am.  Needless to say, we were all very tired and not in the best of moods.
We ate breakfast in the hotel and went back to the room to reorganize and pack up. I ran into another couple that spoke English and was there with their 3 year old.  Him and Duncan played for a bit while we chatted and shared our experiences.
Then at 11 it was time for my intralipid infusion IV treatment.   Intralipid is a sterile fat emulsion.  The active ingredient in Intralipid is soya oil. Soya oil consists of a mixture of mainly polyunsaturated fatty acids. It also contains egg lecithin as an emulsifier, which is isolated from egg yolk.  The theory is that it helps women who have had recurrent miscarriage, multiple failed IVF cycles or multiple failed IUI cycles. Intralipids deactivate natural killer cells in a woman’s body which may prevent embryos from implanting and growing properly in the uterus. We have done intralipids with two transfers, one at SDFC with our two normal PGS tested embryos that resulted in a BFN and then again here in Czech with my last pregnancy.   The science goes back and forth on it if it actually helps, but the good thing is it either helps or does nothing, but it doesnt have any negative risks, so we keep trying it. Ryan and Duncan escorted me back and then left to check out of the room and go play at a park downstairs.  
As I mentioned in a previous blog post, the state of my veins are not good.  After living with infertility for so long, and having so many blood tests done,  I have developed scar tissue in my veins.  About 3 times ago, the phlebotomist mentioned it would soon be an issue and the 2 times after that it was increasing harder to draw blood.  Well lucky me, it all culminated today and it became an issue. I was in a room, laying down on a cot and it started with 2 nurses.  I'll spare the awful details, but it concluded with 5 nurses, 1 doctor, 5 attempts in 4 different places and finally 1 IV in my wrist. This was very painful and on top of all that, took every single ounce of energy I had, not to pass out. What should have been a 45 min IV, now became a 2 hour IV because they had to use a smaller vein. 

Finally it was over and they came to remove the IV.  The nurse doing that part didn't speak any English.  She took out the IV and I'm guessing told me to put pressure on it in Czech,  which I didn't and next thing I knew she turned around so I thought she was done and I went sit up and blood just started flowing.  That just about did me in right then and there.  Luckily I was already in a bed so I just laid back down.  She turned back from her paperwork, saw what happened and cleaned me up and rebandaged me and said to wait in bed.  Another nurse came in that did speak English.  At first I thought she was there to see if I was OK.  But then she told me my next appointment was in another room.  I assumed this was for my blood results.  Well it wasn't, it was to take more blood.  See I thought they drew the blood before they hooked up the IV.  Remember I can't watch and they don't speak English this came as a shock.  After all I just went through, I now had to try and give blood.  At that moment, my weakness and fear crept in and I lost it and just started crying.  I asked it I could go back and lay down and do the blood draw back there.  The nurse then realized I was crying and called for back up.  Now a team of nurses were back with me.  4 to be exact.  1 kept saying sorry and the others only spoke Czech.  They decided to go back in through the wrist again and this pain was even worse than the last time, but at least it was very quick.  One nurse kept stroking my hair and another nurse held my hand. They were very sweet and really tried hard to comfort me.  I was just wrapped up in emotions and it all came out at that moment. Being so far from home, being alone it just got the best if me.  They sat me up and gave me a big group hug and tried to show me that it will all be ok even though they didn't know the words.  I will remember their kindness forever.  One of the nurses spotted Duncan outside and opened the window and told me to come over to see my boy. 

That stopped the tears and brought me back to some peace and strength.  Sometimes we just push through the tears and do what we have to do. Dealing with infertility isn't easy and some days are harder than others.  Mark this as a difficult day.
I then met with a doctor who added an additional progesterone pill to the mix.  So in two days I will start the transfer protocol.  The clinic has it's own pharmacy so I grabbed the pills and we headed out.  On a more exciting note, there was a TV behind the reception desk and they were playing Octo Hiity.  I am now officially obsessed with their music television.  It's amazing! 

We left Zlin and headed to Brno.  I had intended for us to visit a science center, but because everything took so long, we didn't have enough time.  So instead we went for a stroll around the city center.  There was a cute farmers market outside our hotel so we stopped and got fresh strawberries, tomatoes marinated in garlic and basil and caper berries. We snacked on those and walked for a bit.  The last time we were here I was on bedrest and never left the room so it was nice to finally see the city.  Before we left, I had found a Thai restaurant that had vegetarian and gluten free choices.  I had fried rice with veggies and Ryan had pad thai.  It was delicious.  On the way back to our room, we stumbled upon a stage with live music.  It was a rock band singing loud and in Czech.  Duncan loved it.  After each song, he said "more music". So we sat there and listened and slowly this metal band put my son to sleep. In his early days Metallica used to do the trick and I just love my little rocker dude and his love of music.  I took a slightly longer route home to window shop and try and discover a bit of the city.  Todays ordeal still weighed heavy on my mind so it was nice to just be casual and walk.  We landed back in the room and made for a quick good night.  
Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

4 Years by the Numbers

Recently I read an article with a picture of a baby surrounded by the number of shots it took to bring her into this world.  To read the article click here  It got me thinking about how many shots I have taken and what we have gone through.  Here are our numbers:

0  BFPs

1  amazingly strong husband that has been my rock through all of this

1  amazingly cute puppy dog that cuddles every time I need it

2  fresh transfers

2  FETs

3  IUIs

4  years TTC

5  IVFs

6  BFN phone calls

8  fertility doctors that have performed at least one procedure on me

11  embryos created and lost

19  different medication I have ingested or injected along the way

208  number of days spent in tears (approx once a week since this started)

550  approx number of daily shots from first IUI to the last IVF

1460  days of infertility treatments

$$$  amount of money spent on treatment (too scary to actually write down and publish)

BFN

We sadly report that our results were negative.  As I sit here and type this I can't believe these words are even hitting the page.  I am just numb.  I am shocked that after 4 years we are now at the end of our journey.  Our chances of having a biological child is over.  We may pursue other options, but for now we grieve.  We grieve the loss of our embryos.  This was number 10 and number 11.  11 tries, 11 souls gone, 11 lost chances of bringing life into this world.  How does one bounce back from this?

2WW

The 2WW (two week wait) is the dreaded time after a transfer and before you find out if you are PG or not.  BFN or BFP???  This is by far one of the hardest thing about infertility.  This is now all mental.  I have done all that I can do leading up to this and now I just pray every second of every day that my embryos have decided to snuggle in and stay.

Right now I am still on blood thinners (nightly awful shots), estrogen, progesterone, steroids and vitamins and supplements.  Physically I have some minor cramping that has gone on non-stop since about a week ago but that's about it.

There are other things that I am trying to do to help.  I am on a website message board that is only for people with infertility.  I asked people that got their BFPs what they did on the day of the transfer and what they did during the 2WW.  Here is the combined list of all that research.  Do I really think that eating a brazil nut a day will be the answer to all my problems, probably not, but it sure doesn't hurt and they do taste pretty yummy.

FET & 2WW Protocols

Eat 2 or more brazil nuts every day
No cold foods during 2WW
Room temperature beverages only for 2WW
No raw fruits or veggies for 2WW
When laying down, lay of left side for improved circulation
Acupuncture immediately after before and after transfer
Crew length socks at all times for two weeks
Think happy thoughts

Pray

Eat pineapple core for bromelain 

Eat walnuts

Eat kiwi

Add ginger to water or tea

Add lemon to water or tea

Do not raise heart rate

Do not raise core body temperature

Watch comedies and try to laugh

Walk or swimming is ok as long as it is gentle

Light yoga is okay with modifications

Today's happy socks

Thanks for reading,

HEATHER