Closure

What a funny title, closure.  Does anyone truly get closure after some life altering blow like this?  Does anyone ever move on from it?  Will I ever move on?  I doubt it.  I will always have this journey as part of my story and my family's story.  This is now embedded in the fabric of who we are and what we have become.  We are now officially a family of 3.  Even as I type this is still doesn't feel totally real and final, even though it is.  I guess the fog hasn't truly lifted.  May was spent in a daze, in true disbelief.  June was spent grieving.  Lots and lots of tears.  July was spent angry.
Now it is August 1st and I'm drawn back to the keyboard trying to find a way to deal with all the feelings.  All I know is that I am tired of feeling sad and angry all the time.  So I am calling August my month of gratitude. Years ago I was so defeated that I never even thought I would have a baby.  Then during my pregnancy, the horrible shock of having to say goodbye to one baby and faced with the threat of losing the other, I prayed every day that I would someday get to hold him in my arms and see his smiling face.  Well here I sit and I am blessed with love and laughter every day and at least for August I am going to try and focus on that.  While I will never get over losing our other baby, I am tasking myself with finding a way to mother the best that I can and find a way to bring that baggage along for the ride that isn't detrimental to either of us.  After all we did name him Duncan because it means fighter and boy did he fight to join us Earth side and be a part of our lives.  So now I fight to show him that we can cry sometimes, but that we can also pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and find the good out there.  When I first started writing this blog it was for myself, I needed to find a way to express how I was feeling.  Then I decided to write it for others that didn't have their voice yet.  So many folks battling infertility fight it alone.  But, now I write it for him.  I want him to know his story and how much I loved him for years before we ever met.  My goal is to get this printed and bound for him.  And just like with our journey, we needed an end point, a time to say we did our best and did all we could, this blog also needs an endpoint.  This is just one of the ways I can hope to find that magical mysterious thing called closure.  So I'll end this in gratitude to my dear son.

Duncan, 
You are the stars and the moon and the sun and all that is amazing in my world.  I am beyond lucky and grateful to finally be able to hold the title of your mother.  I hope one day that you will read this and just know how hard your father and I fought for you.  Know that we did all we could.  I am so sorry that you entered this world without your twin.  I am so devastated for you that your start was with loss.  I am heartbroken for how your story began.  We all know how strong you are and I hope that through out your life you can call on that strength whenever you need it. You are that fighter that we prayed for.  Fight every day for happiness and to see the good in this world.   I love you more than words can express.
Love,
Mom

Day 10 - FET Day

Today is the big day!  It's 4am here now and of course I can't sleep.  So much going on.
In a few short hours (around 10pm California time) the embryologist will wake our embryos from their deep sleep from the last 3 years.  Hopefully they had a great nap and are ready to go to work.  That's the first big obstacle,  surviving the thaw. 
Then at 11am our time (2am California time) we meet with the embryologist to find out their status.  We had 2 perfectly graded embryos going into the freeze and hopefully that's what we get out.
Then at 1pm our time (5am California time) I head into the operating room and transfer those embabies and welcome them home.  Then it's 1 hour in recovery trying to stay perfectly still and then after that it's the waiting game.
So today is the day.  Pray that our little ones find comfort and want to stick around for about the next 39 or so weeks.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Day 7 & 8 - Cesky Krumlov -> Plzen -> Tabor

Day 7 and 8 were both travel days.  After a mellow night in Cesky Krumlov, we woke up and started our long day of sight seeing.  Ryan got him and Duncan some breakfast, I again ate a granola bar and we started our day.  In all the guide books I read, when discussing the Cesky Krumlov,  it said to just wander around and enjoy the town.  I decided to hire a local guide to take us on a private tour.  She had a kid and said she would tailor the tour for us.  We met her in front of our apartment and she took us around the quaint small little town.  Pointing put places for lunch, snacks and shopping. Trdenlik are these spiral fried dough snacks that are served out of small store fronts.  They are covered in cinnamon and sugar.  You can get plain or filled. I got Duncan one filled with bananas and whipped cream.  I'm letting him splurge and have eased up on my no sugar rule this trip.  I want him to indulge and really experience as much as he can and boy did he love this treat.

We made our way to the castle and stopped at a cool playground for Duncan along the way.  We didn't bother going on the castle tour, but did walk the grounds and let Duncan run through the gardens.  The gardens were so large that it takes 10 full time gardeners to maintain them.  It was a great place to let Duncan burn off some of that toddler energy.  We tried to have lunch, but there weren't any great options so we got in the car and headed to our next city which was Pilsen or Plzen if you are Czech.  The place that I had picked out for dinner was unexpectedly closed, but luckily there was a place just around the corner that had some options for everyone.  We ate dinner and then found some grass next to a pond.  Duncan enjoyed throwing rocks and dirt in the pond and we stayed there until the sun went down.
Day 8 started with a breakfast buffet in the hotel.  There were lots of choices for me to eat so I was happy.  We then made our way to Dino Park.  You have to pay to get in.  It's basically a large playground with big animatronic dinosaurs scattered about.  Admission was only $5 per adult and Duncan was free.  He was a bit scared of the dinosaurs at first because they roared,  but he soon warmed up to them.  There was a small zipline that he enjoyed, a sand pit for digging dinosaur bones and a few play structures.  They also had this water feature where you could pump water and have it spray a dinosaur.  He enjoyed that the best.  Lunch was at the Pilsner Urquell brewery.  Ryan enjoyed a dark ale and Duncan enjoyed the play area for kids.  We then walked the grounds, hit up the gift shop and then it was time to go.  We had a two hour drive ahead of us to Tabor. 
Tabor is this tiny, but full of life town.  Our hotel was perfect and in an amazing location over looking the towns main historic square.  We were treated with glasses of prosecco and a bag of popcorn.   That's my kind of welcome.  Again my research paid off and there was an indian food restaurant just across the square.  The waiter took a liking to Duncan and entertained him with a paper airplane and a paper boat that he made.  They also played with his roller at the table.  The food was so good.  I had a mushroom amd tofu dish and vegetable biryani.  Ryan had chicken korman and Duncan ate some of everything, but the vegetables in the biryani was his favorite.  We took a stroll after dinner and found a bunch of cute shops but it was late and all were closed.  We decided instead of waking and leaving in the morning that we would carve out time to do some shopping. 
Hands down Cesky Krumlov and Tabor were our absolute favorite cities on this trip we are already talking about coming back and staying longer next time. 
Tomorrow the vacation portion of the trip is over and we head to Zlin.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Day 6 - Krems an der Donau -> Cesky Krumlov

So the pills are starting to really hit my system and some side effects are kicking in now like nausea and light headedness,  but that's really all about the quantity that I'm taking more than anything.  My wrist is still really sore which is just making me really anxious knowing that I have to do another blood test in a few days.  Stomach is still sore.  And now I have the added fun of progesterone suppositories.  They give you cramps so that's fun.  Overall though I'm not getting any migraines and I'm very thankful for that.  That's usually the response my body takes to these meds so I'm really happy not to have to deal with that.
The vacation portion of the trip is going well.  Duncan hasn't slept through the night yet, but it's getting better every day.
Today we awoke in Krems and had breakfast at our hotel.  They had a gluten free roll and I was so happy to have it.  After breakfast we made out way to another winery.  Again it was appointment only so we had the whole place to ourselves.   They asked if we wanted to taste inside or outside and we chose outside so Duncan could play.  He brought his toy excavator and there was a small pile of dirt in the back area so that was enough to keep him entertained for the hour we were there.  We did the 12 wine tasting for €15, emptying most of it out because I don't like to drink before a transfer and because Ryan was driving.  It was still a lot of fun though tasting all these different wines. About half I had never had before. It was very special and high up on cool winery moments we have had. 
After that we drove through small town after small town.  They all follow the Danube and the views are gorgeous.  We eventually made our way to Melk to visit the famous Melk Abbey.  We toured as much as we could without going on the official tour because that would have been torture for Duncan.  So he just ran around and we saw what we could.  The boys had pizza for lunch and I had a well balanced lunch of an apple, peanuts and a granola bar from our car stash.  We then headed to the castle Scholls Schallaburg.  As soon as we entered the parking lot, Dyncan fell asleep.  We thought about going in, but decided to pass, let him nap and get to our next city sooner.
Our next stop was Cesky Krumlov.  We reached it about 5pm.  Here we rented a 2 bedroom apartment through Airbnb, which I had never used before.  We picked it because it had a washer and dryer and we would be able to do laundry halfway through the trip so we wouldn't have to pack as much.  Since Duncan uses me as a human napkin, it's nice to have a set of clean clothes again.  We played it mellow tonight.  I had researched and found an actual vegetarian restaurant in town.  Ryan agreed to get food to go and bring it back.  The restaurant owner bought Ryan a beer while he was waiting for his food so that put a big old smile on his face.  We did laundry, ate dinner, took long hot baths and played with kinetic sand until we all went to bed.  It was nice to take a break and just relax for a night.  Plus we have a full schedule tomorrow so enjoyed some relaxing time.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Day 5 Weiner Newstadt->Krems an der Donau

Day 5 was much better.  The additional progesterone pill isnt too bad and no real side effects.  I'm tolerating the addition iron pill as well.  It just makes for a lot of pills.  I would say I'm up to approximately 20 pills now.

  The only real side effect I'm feeling is with the addition of prednisone,  my appetite has increased.  Which again makes it tough in the land of sausages and pretzels.  My wrist is still very swollen and has a huge bruise.  And because it's on my wrist, I move it a lot so I feel it a lot.  The skin irritation where the reaction from the adhesive was has also gone away so the itchiness has also left.  The main thing I'm dealing with is the bruising from the shots.  I'm still icing it like normal,  but it doesnt seem to be working as well this time around.  I'll spare you any photos, but my stomach is now a collection of various sized and colored bruises.  Its makes for a very tender abdomin and slight discomfort when I'm sitting.  Lastly, for those that don't know, as the result of a car accident years ago, I suffer from nerve damage in my leg.  It usually is treated with an internal device that sends relectrical pulses from my nerves to my brain to stop the pain.  I had to turn that off and the pain is slowly starting to come back.  I dealt with this last time so it wasn't unexpected,  it's just not fun.
Emotionally I feeling better and in a better head space.  Thanks again for the outpouring of support.  It's always wonderful to know I have a great tribe looking out for us.
We are now in full vacation mode until we head back on the 8th.  I have a full itinerary to keep us busy.  We are basically driving along the north countryside of Austria and then making a circle and driving across the Czech Republic.

Today we hit the coolest amusement park in Austria.  It was called Family Park and it was just a perfect day.  Zero crowds and the weather was lovely.  Duncan was the perfect age to take here.  Almost everything he could ride as long as we accompanied him.  We spent the majority of the day there.

At Nigl winery

In the late afternoon we headed to the Austrian wine region of Wachau.  Here it is different than tasting at home. Every single winery is by appointment only.  I read an article in Travel & Leisure about where to taste and booked us a 4pm tasting at a winery called Nigl.  It was awesome. Really very different from wine tasting in California.  The wines were ok, but it was really the experience that was amazing.  After wine tasting we ended up in Krems an der Donau were we stayed at a lovely little hotel.  We went for a walk, did some window shopping and then found a restaurant that I had researched that had some vegan options.  Food was just ok, but I was glad to get a meal.  We got the food to go and ate it in the courtyard of our hotel which had just enough grass to keep Duncan occupied and burned off some energy before bed.  Tomorrow we are off to another city with hopefully just as much good times in store for us.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Day 4 Bruno->Weiner Newstadt

Well today was better than yesterday so we are headed in a good direction.  Duncan woke again at 1am, but was back to sleep by 2am.  Hopefully this is also swinging in the right direction.  As a family, we all slept a bit longer because we all needed it.  Yesterday was really tough on everyone. Oh and plus I forgot to mention it was Ryan's birthday.  Definitely not the most fun birthday.  We will have to have a redo to make up for that one at some point. 

Physically, I've been better.  After the whole ordeal yesterday, I have lots of bruises and my wrist and right arm have really big swollen areas.  That's a new fun side effect.  Ugh.  Plus one of the adhesives on a bandage caused a reaction (this is pretty common with me now) so I also basically want to scratch my skin off.  So that's super fun!  Another Ugh :(  I received an email from my coordinator stating that they received my test results and my progesterone is very low.  The doctor said that was ok and gave me a protocol that I will start tomorrow.  This includes 4 vaginal suppositories three times a day and 1 pill taken orally.  It's about as fun as it sounds.  The number of pills I'm taking is really starting to add up now.

Emotional I'm feeling a bit drained.  The weight of the situation is starting to really make it's way into my head space.  While I am so fortunate to have Duncan and feel so grateful, I would love to give him a sibling.  Especially because he comes from a donor, I feel like they would just have such a wonderful bond and story to share  And if this doesn't work,  I won't be able to.  I want him to know how hard I tried when someday he will read this.  Whether it works or not, I sure did try my hardest.  Somedays I feel stronger and braver than others.  I mean I did fly halfway around the world, deplete our entire savings at one point, all on a wing and a prayer that some Russian doctor in the Czech would somehow give me a child.  It's such a crazy idea and even crazier that it worked.  Other days I feel like I could just lay in bed and cry all day and feel sorry for myself.  Life just isn't fair sometimes and what we have been though in order to conceive is beyond ridiculous.  On top of that, I still grieve the loss of Duncan's twin on a pretty regular basis.  Opening myself up to getting pregnant again, also opens up all the fears of dealing with loss again.  I can describe my emotions as a roller coaster combination of them all.  I really do appreciate and feel all the love and support everyone of you back home are sending our way.  On the crappier days or worse feeling moments, its been helpful to remember how many of you are cheering us on.  And maybe in those less strong moment I can lean on others for strength and I thank you for that.

While traveling with our 2 year old has been difficult,  it has also been a very welcoming distraction.  Today was all about him.  I found this amazing place in Brno called the Brno Family Park.  It was an indoor play space that was literally the coolest thing ever.  It had trampolines,  giant inflatables, ball pits, air hockey, two story slides, giant blocks, obstacle courses, bumper cars, bumper boats and a whole upstairs play area just for kids under 4 that had it's own ball pit, play kitchen, 2 story life size doll house and a giant inflatable octopus.  When we first got there, he didn't even know where to go, he just ran from things to thing.  We were there about 4 hours and all of us laughed and had fun.  The best part was that it was about $5 a person.  If for some reason you ever find yourself in Brno with a kiddo in tow, go here!
We then made our way to Weiner Newstadt in Austria.  We found some grass for him to run in, went for a long walk around the neighborhood 0and then found a huge park on the way back.  It had about 5 different play structures.  He loved it.  We made our way back to the room and it was lights out around 9pm.  Fingers crossed he sleeps until morning.  The only real major bummer is this is the part of the trip where vegan/gluten free is non-existent so it was crackers and peanuts for lunch and two granola bars for dinner for me.  Same thing happened last time, so I was prepared,  but that still doesn't make it fun.  Signing off and hoping to get some sleep myself.  Love to you all and thanks again for all the love and support!

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Day 3 Intralipids. Zlin->Brno

Day 3 is described as DIFFICULT and that is putting it mildly.  Poor Duncan is just all over the place with sleep and the time difference really hit him hard.  So Day 3 started at 1am when he woke up just upset.  He didn't calm down until 3am and didn't sleep until 5am.  Needless to say, we were all very tired and not in the best of moods.
We ate breakfast in the hotel and went back to the room to reorganize and pack up. I ran into another couple that spoke English and was there with their 3 year old.  Him and Duncan played for a bit while we chatted and shared our experiences.
Then at 11 it was time for my intralipid infusion IV treatment.   Intralipid is a sterile fat emulsion.  The active ingredient in Intralipid is soya oil. Soya oil consists of a mixture of mainly polyunsaturated fatty acids. It also contains egg lecithin as an emulsifier, which is isolated from egg yolk.  The theory is that it helps women who have had recurrent miscarriage, multiple failed IVF cycles or multiple failed IUI cycles. Intralipids deactivate natural killer cells in a woman’s body which may prevent embryos from implanting and growing properly in the uterus. We have done intralipids with two transfers, one at SDFC with our two normal PGS tested embryos that resulted in a BFN and then again here in Czech with my last pregnancy.   The science goes back and forth on it if it actually helps, but the good thing is it either helps or does nothing, but it doesnt have any negative risks, so we keep trying it. Ryan and Duncan escorted me back and then left to check out of the room and go play at a park downstairs.  
As I mentioned in a previous blog post, the state of my veins are not good.  After living with infertility for so long, and having so many blood tests done,  I have developed scar tissue in my veins.  About 3 times ago, the phlebotomist mentioned it would soon be an issue and the 2 times after that it was increasing harder to draw blood.  Well lucky me, it all culminated today and it became an issue. I was in a room, laying down on a cot and it started with 2 nurses.  I'll spare the awful details, but it concluded with 5 nurses, 1 doctor, 5 attempts in 4 different places and finally 1 IV in my wrist. This was very painful and on top of all that, took every single ounce of energy I had, not to pass out. What should have been a 45 min IV, now became a 2 hour IV because they had to use a smaller vein. 

Finally it was over and they came to remove the IV.  The nurse doing that part didn't speak any English.  She took out the IV and I'm guessing told me to put pressure on it in Czech,  which I didn't and next thing I knew she turned around so I thought she was done and I went sit up and blood just started flowing.  That just about did me in right then and there.  Luckily I was already in a bed so I just laid back down.  She turned back from her paperwork, saw what happened and cleaned me up and rebandaged me and said to wait in bed.  Another nurse came in that did speak English.  At first I thought she was there to see if I was OK.  But then she told me my next appointment was in another room.  I assumed this was for my blood results.  Well it wasn't, it was to take more blood.  See I thought they drew the blood before they hooked up the IV.  Remember I can't watch and they don't speak English this came as a shock.  After all I just went through, I now had to try and give blood.  At that moment, my weakness and fear crept in and I lost it and just started crying.  I asked it I could go back and lay down and do the blood draw back there.  The nurse then realized I was crying and called for back up.  Now a team of nurses were back with me.  4 to be exact.  1 kept saying sorry and the others only spoke Czech.  They decided to go back in through the wrist again and this pain was even worse than the last time, but at least it was very quick.  One nurse kept stroking my hair and another nurse held my hand. They were very sweet and really tried hard to comfort me.  I was just wrapped up in emotions and it all came out at that moment. Being so far from home, being alone it just got the best if me.  They sat me up and gave me a big group hug and tried to show me that it will all be ok even though they didn't know the words.  I will remember their kindness forever.  One of the nurses spotted Duncan outside and opened the window and told me to come over to see my boy. 

That stopped the tears and brought me back to some peace and strength.  Sometimes we just push through the tears and do what we have to do. Dealing with infertility isn't easy and some days are harder than others.  Mark this as a difficult day.
I then met with a doctor who added an additional progesterone pill to the mix.  So in two days I will start the transfer protocol.  The clinic has it's own pharmacy so I grabbed the pills and we headed out.  On a more exciting note, there was a TV behind the reception desk and they were playing Octo Hiity.  I am now officially obsessed with their music television.  It's amazing! 

We left Zlin and headed to Brno.  I had intended for us to visit a science center, but because everything took so long, we didn't have enough time.  So instead we went for a stroll around the city center.  There was a cute farmers market outside our hotel so we stopped and got fresh strawberries, tomatoes marinated in garlic and basil and caper berries. We snacked on those and walked for a bit.  The last time we were here I was on bedrest and never left the room so it was nice to finally see the city.  Before we left, I had found a Thai restaurant that had vegetarian and gluten free choices.  I had fried rice with veggies and Ryan had pad thai.  It was delicious.  On the way back to our room, we stumbled upon a stage with live music.  It was a rock band singing loud and in Czech.  Duncan loved it.  After each song, he said "more music". So we sat there and listened and slowly this metal band put my son to sleep. In his early days Metallica used to do the trick and I just love my little rocker dude and his love of music.  I took a slightly longer route home to window shop and try and discover a bit of the city.  Todays ordeal still weighed heavy on my mind so it was nice to just be casual and walk.  We landed back in the room and made for a quick good night.  
Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Labs Are Back

My labs came back.  This was the last set of bloodwork before we leave.  This was mainly to check if my thyroid was working and to see if the dosage needed adjustment, as well as my vitamin levels, specifically Vitamin D and iron.  Overall everything looked pretty good.  Thyroid was back where it should be at 1.4 so I just continue on my current dose.  Iron was in the normal range but on the low side of that so I added another iron pill, so now I take 4 a day.  Vitamin D was perfect so keeping that where it is.  So still on lots of supplements and prescription meds, but nowhere near as many as I took last time so that's great news.

Infared Sauna Treatments

I started going to infared sauna treatments.  This is another one of those things I'm trying to replicate from my previous  cycle.  My previous acupuncturist had prescribed going.  I had one at the gym I was a member at so I did it for 30 min everyday for two weeks before we left.  Now I'm no longer a member of that gym so I had to find a new location.
Through Yelp I found a local day spa that offered the treatments and it is only 15 minutes from my house.  Due to scheduling and just really running out of time.  I'm doing a series of 5 treatments before we go including the day we leave actually.
The day spa is very cute.  For those local to San Diego, it's called Eco Chateau and it's in Sorrento Valley.
The infrared sauna set up is really no different than a regular dry sauna.  You bake in a small room made of wood with class doors, pictured above. However there is a big difference between a regular sauna and an infared sauna.
Why infared sauna for a FET?  Well two reasons really, an increase in immune support and increase in blood flow.  FETs are all about increasing blood flow.  Thus why I have been doing as much acupuncture as possible.  This heated room definitely fits that bill.  When you walk in, it is set to 140 degrees, but I always turn it down to about 120 - 130.  The infrared works no matter how hot it is, just its just a comfort level issue.  They provide you with a spray bottle of cool water and a bowl with cold water and essential oils and a washcloth for after your treatment.
I usually undress but keep my underwear on, lay down and turn the lights off.  I've never fallen asleep, but I have definitely gone into a deep relaxation.  I just did my 4th treatment tonight and have my 5th on Friday.  I think a lot of what I am doing, whether it medically will help with the transfer or not, it is definitely helping to calm my mind and help with the anxiety of this big step.  And that in turn is definitely helping with the FET, so either way its a win win.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

More Acupuncture & Lupron Side Effects

The first few days after the Lupron injection, I felt fine, but man did those side effects start to kick in.  I wake every morning feeling really nauseous and twice now I've actually been so sick that I've thrown up.  I also started getting really bad headaches which is usually the case with Lupron for me.

On the table with needles in my belly and legs

Another week and another acupuncture treatment.  It is so weird to say, but laying on the tables with needles in me, is one of the most relaxing things I can do.  I walked into the treatment room feeling anxious and with a horrible headache.  I left feeling so much more relaxed and my three day long headache was gone.  It did come back the next day, but getting relief for 8 hours was so welcomed.  I'm now going to acupuncture twice a week until we leave.  3 more weeks to go!

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Time for Lupron

I finished my round of birth control pills and now it's time for Lupron, Lupron Depot specifically.  Lupron Depot is basically a 1 month version all-in-one shot instead of daily shots.  Ryan and I once calculated how many shots we did in all our other rounds and the total came out to somewhere around 800.  Yes you read that right, 800!!!!  One would think that would make us pros.  And while we are definitely proficient at this, it certainly never gets any easier.  My anxiety is always sky high.  It takes a lot of faith in your partner, who is not a medical professional, to trust that they can administer the shot with the same skills as a professional.  And I have to say that Ryan hits the mark, pun intended, every time.  Most of the clinics have how to videos online, but he usually finds some good and helpful information on YouTube.  This is definitely one of those times where I am extremely grateful to have a partner that can handle this type of stuff.  Of all the 800+ shots I have received, he has administered every singe one of them so a huge amount of gratitude towards my guy!
Tips and tricks for surviving Lupron injections.

• Ice, ice baby!  Ice the injection spot for 5 minutes a head of time.  This is an intermuscular shot so that means the behind. 
• As soon as the injection is over, massage the injection spot and the area around it.
• Walk, do lunges, do squats, basically do anything to move your glutes and help ease the medicine into your system.  It will feel better in the long run.

The infamous Lupron Depot shot.  This is the shot that originally was going to cost $1,600, 

but luckily insurance did cover a portion of it and our out of pocket was $1,200.

Now we sit and wait for my period to start and then all the other medications will begin.

Thanks For Reading,

HEATHER

Acupuncture

Acupuncture has been a big part of my life for a long time.  I'm so happy to be back at it.  I started using acupuncture to help with leg pain after a car accident several years ago.  Then once I started dealing with infertility, it was always an important component to my treatment.  I had my first treatment for this upcoming cycle yesterday.  Part of the magic of acupuncture is it is truly relaxing and I love it.  The other part is that it helps balance hormones, increases blood flow and helps strengthen the lining of the uterus to prepare for our embryo transfer.
The last several years and several previous cycles I was with a different practitioner.  This cycle I decided to switch for several reasons, to a different facility.  Luckily having volunteered for so long in this space, I know most of the people that work in this field in San Diego.  It was an easy decision to start going somewhere else, and while I had never been a patient before, I knew I would be well taken care of.
While the acupuncturist knew me personally and knew of my story, he still needed to be caught up on the details of my treatment plan.  So the session started out with a quick overview of my history, my current supplements, my current medications and travel plans.  Then the actual acupuncture started.
I laid down on a heated bed.  Needles were then
placed in my ear, my stomach and my ankles.  A heat lamp was then placed on my stomach.  All of this to promote blood flow.  Then calming relaxing music filled the room, lights were turned off and I relaxed for the next 15 min or so.  It was delightful.  I can't wait for my next session.

D&C

In following our protocol and wanting to duplicate what we did last time, we opted to do a D&C again.  The last time we did a D&C, our doctor found numerous small polyps that were so small that they were undetectable during any ultrasounds.  We wanted to recheck and see if any polyps had returned as well as see if there were any other lining issues.  Plus since I delivered my son by C-section, our doctor wanted to look at that and see how it healed and just double check that there aren't any issues.  Long story short, everything is fine.  He did however find 2 polyps that were undetected via ultrasound and removed them.  For a brief moment I played around with the idea of not doing it this time because it was about $3,000 out of pocket, but I'm sure glad that I did now.For those more interested in the details, the full story is below.

Like with any surgery, there were eating and drinking restrictions starting the night before.  No eating starting at 10pm.  That's always no problem for me, it's the no drinking after midnight that is a struggle.  Luckily I woke up right before midnight and was able to drink two full glasses of water.  This helped a lot in the morning.

My surgery was at 12:45 with a check in at 11:45.  The plan was for my husband to stay with my son and my Mom to take me.  It was a rare rainy day in San Diego, so we left a it early.  I had my surgery at the Surgical Center of San Diego.  This is the second time I've had surgery there and both times they have been really great.  No complaints really.  Always really professional and very nice.  Took about 15 to call my name and then off I went.

Once they go over all the consents and you sign your life away, you then change into your lovely gear and then time to hook up the IV.  This (if you read my previous post) is absolutely the worst part for me.  I know the drill and I always tell them I'm a fainter and to hid the IV once they get it started.  The extra super bummer this time is that the nurse informed me that scar tissue has now formed all over my 1 good vein because I always insist they take it from that one in my left arm.  All my other veins are so small that as soon as a needle hits it, it collapses.  He said that vein has had a lot of trauma and probably won't be a viable candidate much longer.  This really sucks because if that one fails, then my only choice is to go through my hand and a) that hurts so much more and b) it stay hurting because it bruises and stays sore for awhile. Guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, but for now, they were able to start the IV in the left, tucked it under the sheet and I was good to go.  They let my mom com back at that point and we sat and waited for the doctor.

My doctor here in the United States is Dr. Chang from Hanabusa IVF.  It's always so strange to see him.  He was such a huge part of my life for so long, but being back in treatment is so bittersweet.  Anyways we had a lot to catch up on so we chatted for awhile.  Then after catching up it was surgery time.  Then next thing I know it was lights out and when I woke up I was in recovery.  My loving husband was in charge of picking me up.  It's always so great to wake up and see him.  He is always very sweet ad it also means I can go home soon.

The surgery went well.  Dr. Chang found two abnormal things that he biopsied and sent out for testing.  He then checked my c section scar from the inside and tested its strength to make sure it would hold up to a pregnancy, possible of twins again.  Because we are transferring 2 embryos, there will be a chance of two.  Lastly, about 5 years ago, after suffering lots of pain, I had 4 cysts removed from the vaginal wall.  Three of the cysts were the size of oranges.  When they were removed, that surgeon told me there was a chance they could grow back.  About 6 months ago 1 started to grow back and was increasingly painful.  I asked Dr. Chang to drain the cyst since he would already be in there and he did.   A few days later I received the results of the biopsy and it did confirm that both were polyps. Again, we are so glad that we did the surgery.  Having polyps can severely effect your chances of getting pregnant. So now I have a squeaky clean uterus and am building a nice new fresh lining, polyps free and ready to go!

This adorable pup has been by my side through

 so much, I love her!

This surgery left me much more sore than the time I did it before.  I guessing its because there was more stuff to do this time and more poking around.  I also had a lot of bleeding for about 5 days.  Not enough to be medically concerned, just very sore and uncomfortable.  Took about 6 days to fully recovery from this one and feel back to my normal self, but luckily I feel just fine now so on to the next steps, researching medicine prices but I'll save that for another blog post.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Another Day, Another Workout

I started circuit training awhile back when my little was about 6 months old.  That was part of the reason I lost the baby weight.  It was with an amazing group of mamas that really encouraged each other.  It was one of those types of workouts that made you smile and the time just flew by.  Then due to some really crappy circumstances, our fearless leader had to move and put her family first and switch her priorities.  Luckily we had a wonderful mama step up and take over.  However she was pregnant and when she had her baby, we stopped working out.  Well she is back and so are we.  We had our first workout in the park.  It felt so great.  Lots of hugs and lots of catching up.  And all between squats and keeping an eye on our kiddos!

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Restorative Yoga

Taken after class with the instructor.

Look at these blissed out faces.

When I was trying to conceive the first time around, I did a lot of working out and yoga.  I felt good physically, but I was super stressed out to the max.  That's when I discovered restorative yoga.  It was far harder for me to do that class than any other class.  Meditation is not my strong suit.  When the stress is piled on, relaxing and even just taking a mindful breath is difficult for me, my mind continues to race.  I started taking a Yinki class and a Balance and Restore class and they both worked wonders to help quiet the mind.  I did some Yinki during my pregnancy when I was allowed to and it was great too. Then life happens and you get busy and in the blink of an eye, it has been 2 years since my last restorative class.
   Now that we are trying for a sibling, I went back to my first Yinki class on Monday.  My gosh how I missed it!!!!! And needed it!!!!  Yinki is a combination Yin and Reiki class (full description is below along with a link for any SD peeps that may be interested) .  The class is taught by an amazing instructor who I am fortunate to also call a friend.
   Just walking in that room, I could feel the calm spread over me.  This is going to be really good for me. During class, she walks around and lets you select an Angel Card.  Its just something to help guide your practice for the night.  The cards always speak to me.  My card that night was exactly what I needed to hear.  Combine that with her amazing touch and my favorite pose (swan pose), I couldn't have asked for more.  And then when I came home, both husband and son we doing well so it feels even better knowing that I can leave and come back and that both are happy.  I can't wait for the next class!

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

YINKI

This restorative class focuses on healing the body and mind through deep relaxation and release of mental, emotional, and physical stress. Yinki® is a unique class combining Yin Yoga (a more restorative from of yoga) and Reiki (a form of energy healing). Yin Yoga postures gently stretch and rehabilitate connective tissues, while Reiki helps remove blockages or stagnant energy.

This class is spent mostly on the ground, with only stretching poses, each pose held for 3 to 5 minutes. It can be more of a mental challenge rather than physical as it forces you to slow down and be still. Something that the majority of us find very difficult! It is a very meditative class and is the perfect end to a long day. It is relaxing and incredibly healing.

Each Yinki® class includes breath-work, mantra, healing crystal bowls, and meditation as you move through your practice with certified Reiki practitioners. This class is held in our infrared heated Moon Room with a temperature between 80 and 85 degrees.

LEVEL: All levels. https://www.trilogysanctuary.com

Working on Woking Out

The goal of this cycle is to try and do our best to duplicate our last cycle protocols because our son was the only time I was pregnant in all of the attempts over 6 years.  We aren't sure what exactly worked but trying to do as much as we can.  Some things are easier and more practical than others. Taking vitamins again, super easy.  Going back to working out 6 days a week will be more of a challenge.  However, my husband and I were able to work out a plan where I should be able to get some time in 4 days a week which is pretty close.  Mondays I plan on taking a yoga class after the little one goes to bed.  Wednesdays, hubby will be in charge of dinner and I will have time to work out.  We have a small gym in our complex and I hired a friend who I had recently learned is a personal trainer to come whip me into shape.  We will have another session again Saturday mornings and then on Sundays, I bring my kiddo to Zumba and we rock out together.  I also have a few friends who have offered to join me for exercising during the week.  You would think chasing a toddler around would be enough, but it isn't.  Towards the end of our breastfeeding journey, I had to eat so much to keep up with him and myself that I was eating 5 meals a day, plus snacks.  Well the weight piled on and now I just want to lose it before heading into this next cycle.  The goal is 20 lbs in 3 months which is totally doable.  We had our first workout on Wednesday and I felt great!

BFP

It is with great excitement and a lot of trepidation that we announce that our beta test came in and it was positive, I'm pregnant. (maybe it was the good luck egg!)  It is still very early so its really soon to start actually celebrating, but when I started this blog, the goal was to be open and honest about my journey so that others wouldn't feel alone and those not directly involved could get a glimpse into the life of a couple on this journey.

Out of respect for my friends that are still on their journeys, I will end my blog here and continue on a new blog to keep everything separate.  It is extremely painful to read anything about anyone being pregnant when you aren't and every aching fiber in your being wants to be.  I wish all my fellow fertility challenged friends the very best of luck and hope to see you soon on the other side of it.

If you would like to follow the next part of this journey, my new blog is called The Pregnant Infertile and you can find it here: thepregnantinfertile.blogspot.com

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Brno

Today starts my official bed rest period. We decided to do our bed rest in Brno. We are flying out of the Vienna airport and Brno is in between Zlin and Vienna. While we would have loved to go back to Vienna, our hotel is much less expensive here. We actually have a suite with an office, a living room and two bathrooms which is not a bad way to do bed rest.

I went down for breakfast earlier and that's all I plan on doing today. Ryan ventured out to explore a bit of what Brno has to offer.

Through this whole process, I find it very difficult to hear when people say that I am brave or that we are brave. I don't feel like I am at all. I still break down and cry often and find it to be a very difficult journey but I don't feel like I have a choice. Quitting just isn't an option. So I plow along, going through the motions and doing what I have to do with several freak outs and tears along the way.  I brought this book to read while on bed rest to give me some inspiration of actual strong women.

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

Transfer Day

Today started as predicted. Ryan and I handle stress very differently. He sleeps a lot and I don't sleep at all. So I've been up since about 3 am. The IF PTSD is a tough thing to shake. Everytime I gear up to do this again, all my brain thinks of is the last failure and keeps replaying that in my head. I am trying very hard to push those thoughts away.
I figured since I was up I would start my morning medication routine. I starts with my thyroid pill that I can only take on an empty stomach.  Then I wait an hour, then I ate something in order to take all my pills that I have to take with food.
Next up is getting ready for the transfer. We needed to bring our meds, our clothing for the transfer, our paperwork, my meditation tapes from Jeneanne for post transfer and my good luck stone, egg and St. Gerard card and last but not least, a crazy pair of transfer socks.

Next stop, back to the Tomosov for bloodwork. That went fine, except when I left I ran into the wife of the husband that was mentioned earlier that wore underwear and slippers and she too was wearing her pajamas and slippers. I didn't have my phone handy so I couldn't snap a photo of that.

Next up, downstairs for a hearty breakfast. They make some really awesome fresh smoothies here. I ordered the pineapple and mint.

Next we explored Zlin because we had about two hours to kill. We walked around the very small city center. There was a farmers market and several little shops. We found the University where our donor came from. For a brief moment I looked around to see if anyone fit her description but quickly got over it.

We then made the trek back up the hill for our embryologist appointment and to meet with our transfer doctor. That was the most nervous I have been the whole time. Luckily we recieved good news. We had a total of 4 embryos to work with. We decided to transfer two and freeze two. Hopefully the two frozen will be for a sibling, but if this doesn't work at least we have another chance.

Next up, transfer time. We checked in and were escorted back to our recovery room

. I changed into a lovely skirt/gown and my new hopefully lucky socks.

 Ryan carried all of our lucky charms in his pocket and we waited for our final instructions. Next came in Anna, my coordinator who went over all of results and protocols. She gave us my blood test results and ryan sperm test results, all in English for our files and our doctor back home. We also ordered all of our final medications. The best news was that my progesterone levels were high enough that I didn't need to supplement with PIO!!!!! One less shot so I'm happy.

We transfered the two embryos and then they wheeled us back to our recovery bed. We had the 4 bed room to ourselves. I put on an eye mask and put on the meditation tapes. I ended up falling asleep and ryan read a book on his nook. We stayed there about an hour and a half. Then I slowly got up and we headed to the lobby to meet our driver to our next hotel in Brno which is about an hour away. As soon as we checked in to our room, I put on my pj's and bed rest officially begins.  And now the 2WW....

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

Fertilization Report

Our ER was yesterday and below is the report and our next steps. We are very happy with the results, but will be on pins and needles until we get our final report on the 19th.

We will try and keep busy over the next few days. I found a place to hang our good luck egg in our hotel room. Tomorrow we are taking a day trip to Saltzburg which we are very much looking forward to.

Here is our report:
Yesterday we retrieved 12 eggs from a donor,

12 of them were mature, and 10 were fertilized with  PICSI, so you have 10 embryos now. They are monitored by EmbryoScope.

Your partner had his semen analysis done and the result is  asthenosperm (sufficient for IVF)  . He had 0 dose of sperm cryopreserved because the whole sample was used for fertilization.

Embryo transfer is scheduled for Tuesday 1:00 pm( 13:00 pm).

Please, have all your medication as prescribed as well as morning Progesterone (Utrogestan) pills vaginally. The main ingredient will be absorbed within 30 mins and white discharge will be cleaned in the operation theatre during embryo transfer.

Please come at 10:00 am  to 3d floor to give your blood for progesterone level.

You can have your breakfast before giving a blood.

You will have your consultation with embryologist at  12:40 pm    – please come to the 3d floor, you will be given an information about how many embryos you have and what quality they are.

Take your passports  and filled consent forms, which you will sign in front of the doctor or other clinic staff.  We cannot provide ET without signed consent forms.

After the consultation please come to 1st floor to financial dept. to balance your payment.

Then please come to 3d floor for the transfer. Please, take a bathrobe (long t-shirt) and slippers (socks) with you.  You will stay in the recovery room after the transfer for about 1 hour and I will then bring you the final report to your room.

It is better if you have a half full bladder for embryo transfer. You may drink around 2 glasses of water 1 hr before the embryo transfer, or just do not use the bathroom 2hrs before the procedure. Please, do not lead it to the critical as well, because you need to lie for 1 more hour once embryos are transferred.

You will continue taking medications prescribed, so please  make sure you have enough until  week 12th . I can give you the prescriptions for the meds you missing or make sure you will be able to arrange the meds in your country.

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER