Restorative Yoga

Taken after class with the instructor.

Look at these blissed out faces.

When I was trying to conceive the first time around, I did a lot of working out and yoga.  I felt good physically, but I was super stressed out to the max.  That's when I discovered restorative yoga.  It was far harder for me to do that class than any other class.  Meditation is not my strong suit.  When the stress is piled on, relaxing and even just taking a mindful breath is difficult for me, my mind continues to race.  I started taking a Yinki class and a Balance and Restore class and they both worked wonders to help quiet the mind.  I did some Yinki during my pregnancy when I was allowed to and it was great too. Then life happens and you get busy and in the blink of an eye, it has been 2 years since my last restorative class.
   Now that we are trying for a sibling, I went back to my first Yinki class on Monday.  My gosh how I missed it!!!!! And needed it!!!!  Yinki is a combination Yin and Reiki class (full description is below along with a link for any SD peeps that may be interested) .  The class is taught by an amazing instructor who I am fortunate to also call a friend.
   Just walking in that room, I could feel the calm spread over me.  This is going to be really good for me. During class, she walks around and lets you select an Angel Card.  Its just something to help guide your practice for the night.  The cards always speak to me.  My card that night was exactly what I needed to hear.  Combine that with her amazing touch and my favorite pose (swan pose), I couldn't have asked for more.  And then when I came home, both husband and son we doing well so it feels even better knowing that I can leave and come back and that both are happy.  I can't wait for the next class!

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

YINKI

This restorative class focuses on healing the body and mind through deep relaxation and release of mental, emotional, and physical stress. Yinki® is a unique class combining Yin Yoga (a more restorative from of yoga) and Reiki (a form of energy healing). Yin Yoga postures gently stretch and rehabilitate connective tissues, while Reiki helps remove blockages or stagnant energy.

This class is spent mostly on the ground, with only stretching poses, each pose held for 3 to 5 minutes. It can be more of a mental challenge rather than physical as it forces you to slow down and be still. Something that the majority of us find very difficult! It is a very meditative class and is the perfect end to a long day. It is relaxing and incredibly healing.

Each Yinki® class includes breath-work, mantra, healing crystal bowls, and meditation as you move through your practice with certified Reiki practitioners. This class is held in our infrared heated Moon Room with a temperature between 80 and 85 degrees.

LEVEL: All levels. https://www.trilogysanctuary.com

Bedrest

The first week of the 2WW was ok.  I kept myself busy, visited with friends and had family come over.  Went to the movies twice.  Went to gentle flow yoga and modified about half the class.  Went on a couple walks a day to increase blood flow. Not only is that allowed, but it is encouraged.  It wasn't easy but I did manage to get through the days ok.

Over the weeknd, Ryan and I went on another walk.  It was very casual and very slow paced always making sure not to increase my heart rate.  Nothing was out of the ordinary.  When we came home, I noticed I was bleeding.  My heart just sank to the floor.  It lasted a few hours.   I cried for a bit, and now I am just numb.  I haven't had any bleeding since then, but I've had bad cramps non-stop.  The bummer about cramps at this phase is it could go either way, it could be the beginning of my period or implantation cramps.  So I don't even know if I should be happy or sad about it.

From experience and from friends experiences, I knew to go on moderate bed rest immediately.  I called the clinic first thing in the morning and they put me on strict bed rest.  I can lay and sit and get up to go to the bathroom, but that is it.  So if I thought the first week was tough, this one is just going to be awful.

I went from feeling very hopeful to just a feeling of defeat.  This October marked 4 years of suffering and dealing with infertility,  I went to my first doctor to discuss infertility in Oct 2011.  Enough is enough.  It is inhumane to live like this anymore.  4 years of drugs and shots that make you crazy and you feel awful.  I just can't do this anymore.  And I'm not even touching on the financial toll that this has taken on us.  We are still hoping and praying for our miracle but I now fear the worst.

Thanks for reading,

HEATHER

FET Recap

Today was our FET, our long awaited, highly anticipated FET.  We don't have the best news to share but we are trying very hard to stay hopeful and positive.  One of our embryos had some complications and it isn't looking too good right now.  We did still end up transferring both which I will explain in a minute and we still have high hopes for both of them.

I started off the day with a wonderful yoga practice at 7am.  While I was at yoga I asked Ryan to run to the store and pick up some last minute items.  I have been doing all kinds of research from women who got positive results and what they did on the day of their transfer and what they did during the 2WW.  Of course it was all over the place and I really don't feel like eating one kiwi will actually be the deal maker but it really helps my mental health to continue to do all I can to make this miracle happen.  So off to yoga I went and off to the store he went.  When I came back home I was greeted with a really sweet card from him.  I then took a bath since it would be a while before I can take a nice long hot one again and Ryan took Parker on a walk, then off we went.

We went to SDFC and checked in.  There was a friendly face in the lobby, a friend's mother was keeping her company before her ER.  She gave me a giant hug before I went in and it was very comforting.  First stop was acupuncture.  Ryan kept me company in the room.  Then about 5 minutes in, I realized I forgot my awesome socks.  Ryan ran back home to get them.  Staying warm is one of the good luck, fingers crossed tricks to try.  So I stayed and did my treatment sans socks for now, but rockin my awesome Motley Crue shirt.  Oh and we listened to Without You on the way to the clinic. It was our song at our wedding and always puts a smile on our faces.

This isn't a stock photo, this is our actual embryo.
Our perfect and wonderful embryo.
This is the one the survived the thaw strong and intact.

Next stop was the surgical center at SDFC.  The FET was performed in the minor procedures room.  I took my valium (they give you one to relax if you want one) and settled in to start to relax.  Then the embryologist came in to deliver the news.  We had two chromosomally normal embryos frozen in  June.  We had decided to implant both to increase our chances of a live birth.

This is our other embryo that needs some extra love and prayers.
We have not given up and hope.
This one fights just a little harder than it should have to.

About 2-3 years ago the technology of freezing embryos wasn't where it is today.  Today there is very little chance of losing an embryo in the thaw, about 4% chance really.  Well we have a way of always falling into those tiny minute crap odds.  One of ours started to leak and collapse during the thaw.  It was so unexpected.  Of all the things that could go wrong, this didn't even register as a possibility. Ryan wasn't back yet and I just crumbled into the arms of the embryologist.  As soon as Ryan walked in and saw me crying, I'm sure he knew.  I went from her arms around me to his.  We were both truly devastated.  We collected ourselves and the doctor came in.   We talked about what had happened and what the next steps would be,  The good news is that our other embryo did great and was looking really good.  The second embryo, while breaking down, still had a few cells in it and he recommended still transferring that one.  I asked if we should still have hope and his answer was that the odds weren't 0 so we should remain hopeful.  So with my fancy socks on we moved forward with the FET.

The bright white line below the green arrow are our embryos.

The whole FET procedure does not take very long at all.  You fill out some paperwork, sign some legal consent forms and they go over the procedure and what your limitations are afterwards.  There is a monitor connected to the lab and they flash on the screen our petri dish with our name on it and we confirm that it is ours.  Then they insert the catheter.  We had some HCG added to the embryo solution.  That is a fairly newer trick they are trying to help with implantation.  They whole procedure we can see on another ultrasound monitor to the side of me.  They insert the embryos and take a picture and we have a photo of the exact second they come back to me.  As soon as I saw them on the screen I closed my eyes and began to talk to them.  I welcomed them home and promised I would take good care of them for the next 9 months and hoped that they would stay.  When it was over you stay on the gurney for about 20 minutes.  As soon as the doctors and nurses left.  I put my hand on my belly to say hello and Ryan did too.

After the FET I went back to acupuncture for  my follow up treatment.  I then came home, ate some soup, only warm food for the next two weeks and practically melted onto the couch.  Between all the stress of the day I was exhausted.  Later, I watched comedies on Netflix.  I had read that laughing is really good, both for your emotional self as well as it physically helps increase blood flow to your stomach muscles.

1 Day To Go

Today was filled with hyper emotions.  It's been hard to sit still and concentrate on anything really.

I started off the morning with an early yoga class.  It was nice and yoga always seems to help a bit.  Then I came home and had my Dad and brother over to watch the game and have brunch.  I bookended my day with another yoga class that usually relaxes me, but today I just couldn't concentrate.

turmeric latte

After yoga I asked Ryan to take me to Cafe Gratitude for dinner.  Cafe Gratitude is supper yummy vegan food that we used to love in Los Angeles and they finally opened one in San Diego. We ate some great food, Ryan had the polenta and I had the gluten free ramen.   I also ordered my favorite drink, the turmeric latte.  Cafe Gratitude always asks you a question to contemplate while you are waiting for your food.  Ironically today's questions was "name an obstacle that has been really complicated that you overcame with a victory".  As soon as the waitress walked away, we both said, we will get back to you on that one.  Hopefully in a few weeks we will have a great answer for her.

I ended my day lighting the candle my Grandmother gave me, saying a prayer and pulling an affirmation card.  The card I pulled tonight is called Breathe Deeply.  It reads: Breathe big.  Let it all in.  Deep, full breaths invigorate you.  They release sadness and allow ecstasy to flood in.  Pause, inhale a long...slow...big...delicious breathe.  Exhale.  Remember, whenever the going gets tough, take a deep breath and trust that you are capable of greatness.  This was a great card to get tonight and read.  Taking a deep breath right now as I type this.

The plan for tomorrow is wake up and head to a 7am yoga class to get the blood flow going and awaken my body to the day ahead.  She does a lot of breathe work so I will continue my card work from tonight.  Then shower, walk Parker and then head to the fertility clinic.  10am is my check in time.  First up is acupuncture, then the FET, then acupuncture again.  Then home and hopefully laying around and relaxing the rest of the day.

We won't know if this has worked or not for about two weeks.  We respectfully ask that no one hits us up for the results until we are ready to share.  We will probably just need a day or two to soak it all in no matter what it is.  The last FET that ended in a BFN, we told people the exact date we were to find out the results and I just couldn't answer the phone or speak about it and having the phone ring all day just added to the sadness knowing that people still had some hope but we knew the sad truth.  Thank you very much for understanding.

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

4 Days To Go

Today was a really hard day.  I had to say goodbye to aerial yoga.  I'm not allowed to do it after the transfer and you can't do it while you are pregnant either, so with some luck it will be on hold for about 10 months.  I have really grown to love this practice and it was tough to say goodbye.  I went to my regular 9am class and then hugged my teacher and said goodbye for now.  With all the emotions and hormones surging through me right now, I sobbed on the way to the car.

After yoga I headed to the chiropractor.  This FET priming cycle, I have included going to the chiropractor on a weekly basis.  It has helped a great deal with feeling better in a natural way.  I don't think that this is the magic answer to helping us get that BFP we are so desperate for, but I really believe the combination of what my RE does with all these complementary care practices is the right fit for us.  Dealing with infertility issues is such an emotional stressful time, I feel like my shoulders are in knots and glued up to my ears.  After a session with the chiropractor, I feel the stress deplete from my neck.

The rest of the day was spent hanging out with my brother for a bit and then a friend came over for a visit afterwards.  It was nice to have some company and some time spent not worrying about our upcoming transfer.  With each minute of the transfer getting closer with more anxious I get and the more emotional I get.  I blame the hormones :)

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

5 Days To Go

With only 5 days to go I am starting to get really anxious about our upcoming transfer.  I've been hyper, sad, energetic and tired almost all at the same time.  Plus add the hormones and other drugs to that and my mind just continues to race.

So far the side effects are still minimal.  I am rocking some great teenage type acne.  I have headaches here and there, but they are manageable.  Weight gain has gone down to +2.

Since I am so anxious I was wide awake in the morning so I decided to get up and take a 7am.  It was a vinyasa flow class and it was just what I needed.  Plus I really like the teacher and her flow so that helped set my mood and tone for the day,

Next I went to labcorp to get my thyroid tested again.  My naturopathic doctor recommended retesting between 3 and 5 days prior to transfer just in case they need to reassess my dosage.   Since I just gave blood yesterday on one side and had the IV done on the other side, it was a little challenging to find a vein that would work.  Luckily the nurse was able to find one and it didn't take to long.

In the evening I had set up a support group meeting.  I can not put into words how extremely helpful this wonderful group of people have been.  They are a great deal of strength and comfort.  They are understanding and just getting hugs from them, helps to get through tough days like this.  I wish that I would have met these people in a different way, but I am truly blessed to have them in my life.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

1 Week To Go Before the FET

My transfer is scheduled for Monday morning one week from today.  The countdown is on and I'm starting to get really anxious and nervous.  I am doing everything I can to gear up for this transfer.
 
This is what I did today:

1. Dental cleaning - When you get a dental cleaning, it stirs up a lot of bacteria and I don't want that going on during the 2WW so I got it done and out of the way today.
2. Acupuncture -  I have had weekly acupuncture treatments leading up to the transfer.  Today it was all about relaxing.  I listened to the meditation CD about post retrieval and the transfer.
3. Chiropractor - I have been seeing the chiropractor in conjunction with acupuncture since I have been priming for the transfer,  Since I have been so stressed and anxious, she helps with my shoulders and my back and I feel so much better when I leave.
4. Yoga - no day is complete without yoga.  I try and go every day now.

Side effects:

1. Crazy headache but it comes and goes which is a big improvement from the last cycle.
2. Weight gain is at 4 lbs, thanks Lupron!
3. Breast tenderness
4. Bloated
5. Pimples galore :(
6. Hyper sensitive emotions = a lot of crying

Thanks for Reading,

HEATHER

FET Progress Update

Today was my first monitoring appointment for this FET cycle.  I always try and make the first appointment of the day so hopefully I will spend less time in the waiting room.  So at 7:30am off I went to the doctors office.

At an FET monitoring appointment you do an ultrasound and get blood work.  The ultrasound is to check your lining and to make sure your ovaries are silent.

I have been off the birth control pills for a little bit now.  Now I'm just taking Lupron and wearing Vivelle patches.

My side effects haven't been too bad, just the usual Lupron issues of weight gain, headache and breast tenderness.  The Lupron shots themselves don't hurt, the needle is very tiny.  Next week I start the Lovenox but for not I am handling everything pretty well.

The results of the ultrasound were really good.  My lining is already at 8 and it is triple lined.  This means that it is actually ready right now for implantation.  However, the doctor likes to do the transfer closer to when I would have naturally ovulated.  The good news is that they moved my transfer up a couple days so it's a few less days of stress and anxiety.

Everything is based on working backwards from the FET date so I spent the day on the phone rescheduling all my appointments leading up to the transfer.  Next week is going to be a busy week but full of good things.  I have a couple more blood draws, an acupuncture appointment, another ultrasound monitoring appt, chiropractor, infusion, teeth cleaning, hair appointment and lots and lots of yoga.

When we came home the other day there was a dandelion growing outside our kitchen window.  I have lived in this house for a year and a half and there has never been one until now.  A dandelion is a very common symbol of infertility for several reasons.  It is a symbol of hope and the root is a common herb used because it is high in Vitamin A & C and thought to help with hormone balance.  When we saw this in our window waiting for us we took it as a very positive sign.

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

The Next Step is Finally Here

I finally got the all clear from all my doctors and started the next step of the process which is priming for the FET.  I started bcps last tuesday and I got in tomorrow for blood work and an ultrasound.  If everything checks out ok, I will get my calendar for the upcoming FET.

We are going to throw everything we can at this transfer which means doing every procedure, every drug, every supplement and every lifestyle change we can to hope and pray that this one works.

So far I have focused on my fertility focused diet and as much yoga as I can possibly do.  One day I did 3 classes!  I am taking supplements for health, being a vegetarian and for the transfer.  Next I am going to work on the mind part of this.  I just ordered some affirmation cards and I am going to start meditating on a more frequent basis.

As far as how many embryos we will transfer, at the moment we are leaning towards transferring both.  However we are always changing our minds so we still have time to change back to one only.  The final decision has to be made the day before the transfer so we have until then to decide for sure.

Lastly, my mantle of hope has grown a little bigger.  A friend gifted to Ryan and I a rock that says live to help us to remember that our infertility and our struggles don't define us, yes it is a part of who we have become but it isn't the whole part.  We have to remember to LIVE!

And on that happy note, Ryan and I are off to Kauai to celebrate our 5th anniversary, to relax and destress and get ready for our transfer.

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

Lipoma Surgery - Follow Up

So the first day post-surgery I felt fine.  I did go to a yoga class, but I really should not have.  I pulled one of the stitches and it started bleeding.  I went to the doctor and he cleaned it up and then put a ridiculous amount of gauze around my arm and some more tape and told me I wasn't allowed to do yoga again until the stitches came out the following week.

The next day I woke up to just wanting to itch my whole arm off.   I figured it was the healing process, until I looked down.  I had bumps all over my arm and my stomach.  So I called the doctor to tell him I was having an allergic reaction.  Unfortunately this had happened before back in 2011 so I knew what was going on.  Back then I had surgery on my hip and I had an allergic reaction to the bandage too.  The doctor told me that I had developed an allergy to latex.  Since then, I have informed every doctor of my latex allergy and I haven't had another issue until now.

The doctor had me take photos and send them to him because this happened Friday night.  He confirmed that I was having a reaction and wanted me to remove to strips.  Turns out I am also allergic to the adhesive in the steri stips.  So Ryan took off the strips and I washed with antibacterial soap.  I woke up on Sunday with a horrific looking arm with blisters now from shoulder to wrist.  I went to the doctor on Monday and he walked in and literally said "Oh my gosh, I've never seen anything like that!'.  If I wasn't already feeling crappy, this just confirmed it.  He gave me a prescription for a week of steroids and told me to take tylenol pm because the steroids would keep me awake.  After a miserable 4 days, my arm has finally started to look normal again.

This was supposed to be a simple procedure with the healing time of a couple of days.  Ugh!!!  Why is every single thing I do have to be so darn complicated......


Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Lipoma Surgery

ceiling tile view from my gurney

As a follow up to my earlier post, today was surgery day and it went very well.  I had 6 lipomas removed., 2 on my left arm, 1 on my left rib cage and 3 on my leg.  The surgery was at Scripps hospital. 

The prep started last night with another run to the store for a watermelon, which I ate from 8:30 - 9pm, the cut off for my last chance to eat or drink before surgery. We woke up at 4:45am so I could take a shower with antibacterial soap.  Then we walked and fed Parker and headed off to the hospital at 5:15am for our 5:30 check in.  The watermelon worked because they got the IV started on the first try even though they had to take a few vials of blood first.  

About 5 years ago I developed a pretty severe latex allergy.  Because of this, it required extra paper work extra bracelets and giant signs all over the OR.  I am so happy that they have all these precautions because it is not fun to deal with the reactions that latex causes.  Around 7am I kissed Ryan goodbye and they escorted him out to the lobby and got me in my gurney.   

surgery is so dramatic

I also have issues with anesthesia.  About 4 surgeries ago, the anesthesiologist suggested putting the dot behind my ear that is usually used for motion sickness.  Well it did the trick again this time, no nausea.  I also ask that my meds be given in the IV instead of sending me home to take oral pills and they always accommodate this request. That way I don't have to go home and force myself to eat when I am not feeling my best.  This time I got my first dose of antibiotics and my pain meds in the IV.  The only small issue i have is there is some pain at each of the sites.  My surgeon really wanted to put me on vicodin, but I absolutely hate pain meds and I really don't want them in my body any more.  I also don't want to do pain meds right before a transfer.  So I opted to skip the meds and only take Tylenol. Right before the surgery started, they told me I would be in recovery for about 1 1/2 hours.  I was shocked, I thought I was only in recovery for 30 min.  Ryan said that is how long I am in there once I am awake.  I turned to him and asked "I wonder what I am doing for the hour that I am out"?  Fast forward to this morning and the recovery nurse said that she checked me in and then walked away to do something and when she came back I was completely naked on the bed.  She said she had never seen anyone do that before. I took off the gown and all the blankets!  I don't have any recollection of doing this and sadly now I know what I do when I am knocked out and so does everyone else in the recovery room.  

Shortly after coming home, my brother came by and delivered some beautiful flowers.  Not only are they pretty but the smell amazing and now the whole house smells great.  I have the greatest brother!

flowers from my brother

I have an appointment on Thursday to remove the stitches.  My only restrictions is I can't take a shower until they are removed but I can survive two days.  Going to try yoga tomorrow and hopefully I can do some poses that don't let the fabric touch my bandages.

Thanks for Reading,

HEATHER

Aerial Yoga

As I mentioned in my Next Steps post, I am back on track and going to yoga again.  I really missed my practice and I am beyond excited to be back.  My RE in Los Angeles suggested that I start doing yoga on a regular basis to help with blood flow as well as all the stress I was dealing with.  Sadly during my stims I had to cancel my membership.  With my bloated stomach full of bruising and my headaches, aerial was out of the question.  Now I am back to normal and back regularly practicing at Trilogy.  I have about 2 months before my FET so my focus in on mind, body and soul and yoga touches on all three things for me.

After I quit my job and moved to San Diego I discovered Trilogy Sanctuary and aerial yoga.  Trilogy is a rooftop studio and the views are amazing.  It is literally the most amazing yoga I have ever done.  I have been practicing there since September.  I do aerial yoga but they also have some amazing restorative classes.  I love the balance between the two classes.  There is a Balance and Restore class as well as Yinki and I take both.  Just walking in there, I feel the stress of all this just melting away.  It is short lived, but I will take any relief I can get.

chandelier pose

  I absolutely love this photo.  This pose is called shoulder stand.  When I first started I couldn't do this pose.  My teacher stood behind me and helped me get into the fabric.  I also would have my feet locked in to be able to balance.  Today I am able to do the pose and free my feet.  It is an amazing feeling especially when I live in a world without progress and without being able to reach certain goals, it helps to remind me that I AM able to conquer and attain.  Hoping that this feeling of growth and achievement helps take away all the hopelessness that I have felt for so long.

This is my beautiful teacher Olivia.  She is absolutely amazing and so supportive.  I love having her as a guide in this part of my journey.  Anyone in San Diego, come on down and join me in a class.

Thank you for reading,
HEATHER

Next Steps

Although SDFC told us we could jump right into prepping for our transfer, Ryan and I have decided to wait.  I was still feeling the effects of the stims and my period after and IVF is very long and very unpleasant.  We just felt like it would be a better idea to let my body get back to normal before starting to prime for the FET.  For the last few years we have mainly focused on egg and sperm quality.  Now we are switching our focus to implementation.

Between now and our transfer, here is what we are working on;

• The first thing I did was take milk thistle to help push all the drugs out of my system.  My ER was two weeks ago and I am just now feeling back to normal.
• Yoga!!!  I am so excited to be back taking yoga.  I missed it so much.   I go 4-5 times a week faithfully but during my last cycle I put my membership on hold.  I do aerial yoga and I just couldn't do it with a headache and with my stomach.  Now I'm back and loving it.  
• I am going back to see the naturopathic doctor for some new testing and some retesting.  Before I was focusing on egg quality and overall health.  Now I am going to do the miscarriage panel just to make sure I'm not overlooking anything.
• I'm going back to my strict diet.  During my stims I really just stuck with eating gluten free and vegetarian.  Now that I'm feeling better I am back to gluten free, grain free, low sugar and of course vegetarian.

Thanks for reading,

HEATHER