Closure

What a funny title, closure.  Does anyone truly get closure after some life altering blow like this?  Does anyone ever move on from it?  Will I ever move on?  I doubt it.  I will always have this journey as part of my story and my family's story.  This is now embedded in the fabric of who we are and what we have become.  We are now officially a family of 3.  Even as I type this is still doesn't feel totally real and final, even though it is.  I guess the fog hasn't truly lifted.  May was spent in a daze, in true disbelief.  June was spent grieving.  Lots and lots of tears.  July was spent angry.
Now it is August 1st and I'm drawn back to the keyboard trying to find a way to deal with all the feelings.  All I know is that I am tired of feeling sad and angry all the time.  So I am calling August my month of gratitude. Years ago I was so defeated that I never even thought I would have a baby.  Then during my pregnancy, the horrible shock of having to say goodbye to one baby and faced with the threat of losing the other, I prayed every day that I would someday get to hold him in my arms and see his smiling face.  Well here I sit and I am blessed with love and laughter every day and at least for August I am going to try and focus on that.  While I will never get over losing our other baby, I am tasking myself with finding a way to mother the best that I can and find a way to bring that baggage along for the ride that isn't detrimental to either of us.  After all we did name him Duncan because it means fighter and boy did he fight to join us Earth side and be a part of our lives.  So now I fight to show him that we can cry sometimes, but that we can also pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and find the good out there.  When I first started writing this blog it was for myself, I needed to find a way to express how I was feeling.  Then I decided to write it for others that didn't have their voice yet.  So many folks battling infertility fight it alone.  But, now I write it for him.  I want him to know his story and how much I loved him for years before we ever met.  My goal is to get this printed and bound for him.  And just like with our journey, we needed an end point, a time to say we did our best and did all we could, this blog also needs an endpoint.  This is just one of the ways I can hope to find that magical mysterious thing called closure.  So I'll end this in gratitude to my dear son.

Duncan, 
You are the stars and the moon and the sun and all that is amazing in my world.  I am beyond lucky and grateful to finally be able to hold the title of your mother.  I hope one day that you will read this and just know how hard your father and I fought for you.  Know that we did all we could.  I am so sorry that you entered this world without your twin.  I am so devastated for you that your start was with loss.  I am heartbroken for how your story began.  We all know how strong you are and I hope that through out your life you can call on that strength whenever you need it. You are that fighter that we prayed for.  Fight every day for happiness and to see the good in this world.   I love you more than words can express.
Love,
Mom

I'm PUPO

It's an infertility term.  It means Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.  It's a weird state of limbo to be in.  Technically if I am pregnant, I would be 6 days pregnant because we transferred 5 day old embryos.  6 days pregnant doesn't mean really anything to my body, however the mind is a power thing.  Every breath almost makes me wonder if I'm pregnant.  Plus a few of the medications I'm on have similar pregnancy side effects.  And on top of that I have some slight cramping, but that's probably just due to the progesterone and the FET procedure itself.  It's still a funny spot to be in though.  Just constantly wondering.  Dealing and living through this so many times, it still never gets any easier.  The wait is always the hardest.
So what to do to pass the time?  Number one this to do is pray.  My Aunt wrote me a prayer and I've read that a few times.  I've also prayed on my own.  Now more than ever is a timenfor faith.
The next thing I do is talk to my babies.  I place my hand below my navel and welcome them home.  Promise to keep them healthy and well fed.  Promise to love them and grow a beautiful home for them.  Aside from that, there are lots of superstitions and good luck charms surrounding the infamous waiting period.  If anything,  it just makes me feel like I'm doing something and somewhat participating in the process.  I eat Brazil nuts daily.  Brazil nuts contain selenium, which is a mineral that helps to thicken the uterine wall, and a healthy lining aids in implantation.  I take selenium pills, but add eating brazil nuts after transfer.  I also eat pineapple.  Pineapple contains bromelain which has anti inflammatory properties that has a natural anti-inflammatory effect.  I eat warm things and drink tea and lay on my back or left side to increase circulation to the uterus and try and sit as little as possible.

Lastly I have some lucky charms.  First off, on our last trip I found a beautiful egg ornament in Hungary that came with a beautiful story about fertility.  It spoke to us immediately and we bought it and carried it with us everywhere,  continued taking it to every prenatal appointment and took Duncans newborn photos with it.  This whole trip I was looking for something to bring us luck and nothing spoke to me.  The day before our transfering, I was putting something in the diaper bag and found a small bag containing a necklace from Ryan's grandmother who recently passed away.  We were at her home recently and Ryan's mother let me choose what I wanted and I choose that.  I thought I had put it with the stemware I also brought back, but it was sealed away in a special pocket in the backpack.  As soon as I found it, Ryan said, "maybe that's our good luck charm".  Heck ya it is!  His grandmother was always so supportive and special and would send us these beautiful cards during all our previous cycles.  This is for sure her looking over us.  She is our guardian angel.  I put the necklace on and wore it to the transfer.  Duncan asked what it was and I told him it was Grandma Rita's and he said "I love you Grandma Rita".  And we do love her very much and feel so special to have her looking out for us.

Lastly I have another pair of lucky socks on.  Todays socks are lemurs.  Lemurs hold a special place in our hearts.  We have a memorial plaque for the baby we lost in front of the lemurs at the San Diego Zoo.  We chose lemurs for two reason.  Their name means angel and because they are vegetarians:)  I always say that Duncan has a very special angel looking out for him.  So when I saw the lemur socks I knew they would be perfect for implantation day.

Ryan and Duncan are enjoying a lovely afternoon in Prague and I'm relaxing in our room.

As always, Thanks for Reading!
HEATHER

x

FET recap

Yesterday was transfer day.  All went well.  Here are the details of the day.
We woke up and had breakfast in the hotel.  Them I went upstairs to the clinic for my blood draw.  I had 3 nurses attend based on what happened last time.  I'm happy to report that it only took one poke and in the forearm.  I was in and out in 10 min.  That was a huge relief.
We then continued our photo taking quest from the day before.  We visited Thomas Bata University, the college where our donor attended.  We found a very small book store that sold shirts and sweatshirts, but none in Duncan's size.  They did however sell a beach ball so we were able to purchase something. We then walked to a farmers market that we had found the last time we were here and took pictures there as well.  Duncan was happy to find a guy selling popcorn.  Lastly we walked over to the oldest house in town which we had also discovered the last time we were here.  The one thing we found this time, that we missed last time was the main square.  Obviously its very small.   We had walked on the street in front of it last time.  It had several shops,  cafes and coffee shops.  We wandered around there taking more pictures until it was time for my appointment.
Next up was our appointment with embryology and with Anna our coordinator. She is the English speaking contact we have and has been a huge help through the process both times.  I was so excited for Duncan to meet her.  Without exaggeration,  I bet I've exchanged at least 500 emails with her if not more.  She was our life line through all of this.  We brought her a gift as a thank you and it was so very sweet to have Duncan give it to her.  I asked if she would hold him so I could take a photo of them together and I got some really great ones.
We then got down to business.  OUR EMBRYOS SURVIVED THE THAW!!!! They both started hatching right before the time of transfer. 

I only have a dark and grainy photo.  I'm going to ask for a better one tomorrow and see if they took any other pictures.  But who cares, our little embryos awoke and started growing and that's the first huge step.  I also got my progesterone numbers back and they were 131.  No need to change any medication so just going to stay on our current protocol until I go for more blood work.
After our meeting, Duncan and Ryan had to go.  They wouldn't be allowed in for transfer and it was lunchtime anyways so they headed off. Anna gave Duncan a big kiss on the cheek and he said goodbye. I hugged and kissed both my guys and they left in search of a park and lunch.
They don't offer acupuncture here so I was unable to get treatment before or after transfer which is what I would do back home.  At the wellness center they did offer a head and shoulder massage.  I thought that would be a good idea before the transfer.  That was a big mistake.  There was nothing wrong with the massage, but I was just a ball of nerves and it made it so very hard to lay still.  It was almost torture more than relaxing.  Finally it was over and I could move around.

I went back to the room to get ready for transfer.  They ask that you wear just a shirt and then your robe and slippers.  I put on my dream big socks and headed to transfer.

They have a waiting room you sit in before transfer that is a room with a few beds.  I waited in that room for about 45 minutes.  There was one lady before me.  It was nice to have some extra time alone.  I sat down and listened to a few short guided meditations.  Then I did a bunch of squats and sit ups and then some yoga poses and finally some stretching.  This all really helped calm me down.

Finally it was my turn.  They escorted me into the operating room.  There were two nurses.  One doing the work and another one to translate what was going on in English.  Then the doctor came in and we went over what was going to happen.   Confirmed that we were transfering two and using Embryoglue.  Then the embryologist cane in and introduced herself.  That's when she informed me that they both had started to hatch and said she would show me on the monitor.  She left and went into the lab and shortly after, on the monitor were these two gorgeous embryos.  It brought tears to my eyes to see them.  I then laid back, feet up and the transfer began.  The only thing different this time from all the other times is the embryologist participated in transferring the embryos. The doctor set everything up and then she came back with the pipette containing our embryos.  She was the one to actual place them.  Then she left to confirm they were both gone and the pipette was empty, which it was.  She then said good luck, squeezed my hand and left.  The doctor also wished me well and left. Then the two nurses wheeled my gurney back into my room.  There was a small mishap where they took a corner too close and knocked a chunk of drywall off.  Both Ryan and Duncan think this is hilarious and laugh every time they pass it.  They then transferred me to my bed and instructed me to lay still for an hour.  It's a lot easier to do that in your own bed than in the uncomfortable bed with stirrups that usually happens.  So I laid back and watched the latest Kevin Hart standup.  It was the perfect mindless activity.  Shortly after I took a nap.  I laid in bed the rest of the afternoon and evening as I have now entered the bed rest position of all this.  The boys shared a burger for dinner and I again indulged in peanuts and a granola bar.  We all went to bed shortly after.  Now just hoping and praying for a successful implantation.  Stick babies stick!

Day 10 - FET Day

Today is the big day!  It's 4am here now and of course I can't sleep.  So much going on.
In a few short hours (around 10pm California time) the embryologist will wake our embryos from their deep sleep from the last 3 years.  Hopefully they had a great nap and are ready to go to work.  That's the first big obstacle,  surviving the thaw. 
Then at 11am our time (2am California time) we meet with the embryologist to find out their status.  We had 2 perfectly graded embryos going into the freeze and hopefully that's what we get out.
Then at 1pm our time (5am California time) I head into the operating room and transfer those embabies and welcome them home.  Then it's 1 hour in recovery trying to stay perfectly still and then after that it's the waiting game.
So today is the day.  Pray that our little ones find comfort and want to stick around for about the next 39 or so weeks.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Day 9 Tabor -> Zlin

Awoke to a beautiful morning in Tabor.  The weather was perfect, the sun was out and a great day for a walk.  Breakfast was included at our hotel and it was awesome.  Another place with pretty good gluten free bread too.  If you ever find yourself in the small town of Tabor, I recommend the Hotel Nautilus.  I wanted to shop and Duncan wanted to watch the construction guy drive a skid steer so we split up and I walked and Ryan and Duncan watched the crew working on the old church in town.  I found an adorable shop that I bought a Christmas ornament in as a souvenir from our trip.  Then I found a coffee shop that also sold art and books.  I bought two books for Duncan, one is a book in Czech about football and another in English about the Mole that's a popular toy here.  I also found a cool print to frame and put in his room and another painting for our bathroom. We squeezed as much as we could in and then had to leave and head to Zlin which was about 3 hours away.
One of the main things I wanted to accomplish on this trip was to make Duncan a scrapbook photo album so he could see for himself where he began.  I bought a nice camera before we left and made it a goal to take him around Zlin and take lots of pictures.  I got a good hour in today and will continue tomorrow.
Then it was time for my massage.  That wasn't an option the last time I was here so I was glad to take advantage this time.  Plus for a 90 min massage, it only costs $30!  While I got my massage, Ryan found a playground to take Duncan to.  Then they got food to go at the place we ate at last time because again it's literally the only vegetarian place in town.  It is good though so it worked. While I was waiting for the boys to being food back, I enjoyed a glass of wine on the patio.  It was so pretty out and nice and quiet. 

After dinner we went back to the hotel we stayed at the last time we were here called Pension Uno.  We had dessert in their restaurant and took lots more photos.  We talked about just how crazy it was to be back there.  The last time we were there we had no clue about if this crazy plan of ours would work and now we are here with a 2 year old.  Just crazy. 
Well off to bed as tomorrow is the big day. Lots and lots of appointments and things going on.  I'll update as soon as I can.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER
 

Day 6 - Krems an der Donau -> Cesky Krumlov

So the pills are starting to really hit my system and some side effects are kicking in now like nausea and light headedness,  but that's really all about the quantity that I'm taking more than anything.  My wrist is still really sore which is just making me really anxious knowing that I have to do another blood test in a few days.  Stomach is still sore.  And now I have the added fun of progesterone suppositories.  They give you cramps so that's fun.  Overall though I'm not getting any migraines and I'm very thankful for that.  That's usually the response my body takes to these meds so I'm really happy not to have to deal with that.
The vacation portion of the trip is going well.  Duncan hasn't slept through the night yet, but it's getting better every day.
Today we awoke in Krems and had breakfast at our hotel.  They had a gluten free roll and I was so happy to have it.  After breakfast we made out way to another winery.  Again it was appointment only so we had the whole place to ourselves.   They asked if we wanted to taste inside or outside and we chose outside so Duncan could play.  He brought his toy excavator and there was a small pile of dirt in the back area so that was enough to keep him entertained for the hour we were there.  We did the 12 wine tasting for €15, emptying most of it out because I don't like to drink before a transfer and because Ryan was driving.  It was still a lot of fun though tasting all these different wines. About half I had never had before. It was very special and high up on cool winery moments we have had. 
After that we drove through small town after small town.  They all follow the Danube and the views are gorgeous.  We eventually made our way to Melk to visit the famous Melk Abbey.  We toured as much as we could without going on the official tour because that would have been torture for Duncan.  So he just ran around and we saw what we could.  The boys had pizza for lunch and I had a well balanced lunch of an apple, peanuts and a granola bar from our car stash.  We then headed to the castle Scholls Schallaburg.  As soon as we entered the parking lot, Dyncan fell asleep.  We thought about going in, but decided to pass, let him nap and get to our next city sooner.
Our next stop was Cesky Krumlov.  We reached it about 5pm.  Here we rented a 2 bedroom apartment through Airbnb, which I had never used before.  We picked it because it had a washer and dryer and we would be able to do laundry halfway through the trip so we wouldn't have to pack as much.  Since Duncan uses me as a human napkin, it's nice to have a set of clean clothes again.  We played it mellow tonight.  I had researched and found an actual vegetarian restaurant in town.  Ryan agreed to get food to go and bring it back.  The restaurant owner bought Ryan a beer while he was waiting for his food so that put a big old smile on his face.  We did laundry, ate dinner, took long hot baths and played with kinetic sand until we all went to bed.  It was nice to take a break and just relax for a night.  Plus we have a full schedule tomorrow so enjoyed some relaxing time.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Day 4 Bruno->Weiner Newstadt

Well today was better than yesterday so we are headed in a good direction.  Duncan woke again at 1am, but was back to sleep by 2am.  Hopefully this is also swinging in the right direction.  As a family, we all slept a bit longer because we all needed it.  Yesterday was really tough on everyone. Oh and plus I forgot to mention it was Ryan's birthday.  Definitely not the most fun birthday.  We will have to have a redo to make up for that one at some point. 

Physically, I've been better.  After the whole ordeal yesterday, I have lots of bruises and my wrist and right arm have really big swollen areas.  That's a new fun side effect.  Ugh.  Plus one of the adhesives on a bandage caused a reaction (this is pretty common with me now) so I also basically want to scratch my skin off.  So that's super fun!  Another Ugh :(  I received an email from my coordinator stating that they received my test results and my progesterone is very low.  The doctor said that was ok and gave me a protocol that I will start tomorrow.  This includes 4 vaginal suppositories three times a day and 1 pill taken orally.  It's about as fun as it sounds.  The number of pills I'm taking is really starting to add up now.

Emotional I'm feeling a bit drained.  The weight of the situation is starting to really make it's way into my head space.  While I am so fortunate to have Duncan and feel so grateful, I would love to give him a sibling.  Especially because he comes from a donor, I feel like they would just have such a wonderful bond and story to share  And if this doesn't work,  I won't be able to.  I want him to know how hard I tried when someday he will read this.  Whether it works or not, I sure did try my hardest.  Somedays I feel stronger and braver than others.  I mean I did fly halfway around the world, deplete our entire savings at one point, all on a wing and a prayer that some Russian doctor in the Czech would somehow give me a child.  It's such a crazy idea and even crazier that it worked.  Other days I feel like I could just lay in bed and cry all day and feel sorry for myself.  Life just isn't fair sometimes and what we have been though in order to conceive is beyond ridiculous.  On top of that, I still grieve the loss of Duncan's twin on a pretty regular basis.  Opening myself up to getting pregnant again, also opens up all the fears of dealing with loss again.  I can describe my emotions as a roller coaster combination of them all.  I really do appreciate and feel all the love and support everyone of you back home are sending our way.  On the crappier days or worse feeling moments, its been helpful to remember how many of you are cheering us on.  And maybe in those less strong moment I can lean on others for strength and I thank you for that.

While traveling with our 2 year old has been difficult,  it has also been a very welcoming distraction.  Today was all about him.  I found this amazing place in Brno called the Brno Family Park.  It was an indoor play space that was literally the coolest thing ever.  It had trampolines,  giant inflatables, ball pits, air hockey, two story slides, giant blocks, obstacle courses, bumper cars, bumper boats and a whole upstairs play area just for kids under 4 that had it's own ball pit, play kitchen, 2 story life size doll house and a giant inflatable octopus.  When we first got there, he didn't even know where to go, he just ran from things to thing.  We were there about 4 hours and all of us laughed and had fun.  The best part was that it was about $5 a person.  If for some reason you ever find yourself in Brno with a kiddo in tow, go here!
We then made our way to Weiner Newstadt in Austria.  We found some grass for him to run in, went for a long walk around the neighborhood 0and then found a huge park on the way back.  It had about 5 different play structures.  He loved it.  We made our way back to the room and it was lights out around 9pm.  Fingers crossed he sleeps until morning.  The only real major bummer is this is the part of the trip where vegan/gluten free is non-existent so it was crackers and peanuts for lunch and two granola bars for dinner for me.  Same thing happened last time, so I was prepared,  but that still doesn't make it fun.  Signing off and hoping to get some sleep myself.  Love to you all and thanks again for all the love and support!

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Day 3 Intralipids. Zlin->Brno

Day 3 is described as DIFFICULT and that is putting it mildly.  Poor Duncan is just all over the place with sleep and the time difference really hit him hard.  So Day 3 started at 1am when he woke up just upset.  He didn't calm down until 3am and didn't sleep until 5am.  Needless to say, we were all very tired and not in the best of moods.
We ate breakfast in the hotel and went back to the room to reorganize and pack up. I ran into another couple that spoke English and was there with their 3 year old.  Him and Duncan played for a bit while we chatted and shared our experiences.
Then at 11 it was time for my intralipid infusion IV treatment.   Intralipid is a sterile fat emulsion.  The active ingredient in Intralipid is soya oil. Soya oil consists of a mixture of mainly polyunsaturated fatty acids. It also contains egg lecithin as an emulsifier, which is isolated from egg yolk.  The theory is that it helps women who have had recurrent miscarriage, multiple failed IVF cycles or multiple failed IUI cycles. Intralipids deactivate natural killer cells in a woman’s body which may prevent embryos from implanting and growing properly in the uterus. We have done intralipids with two transfers, one at SDFC with our two normal PGS tested embryos that resulted in a BFN and then again here in Czech with my last pregnancy.   The science goes back and forth on it if it actually helps, but the good thing is it either helps or does nothing, but it doesnt have any negative risks, so we keep trying it. Ryan and Duncan escorted me back and then left to check out of the room and go play at a park downstairs.  
As I mentioned in a previous blog post, the state of my veins are not good.  After living with infertility for so long, and having so many blood tests done,  I have developed scar tissue in my veins.  About 3 times ago, the phlebotomist mentioned it would soon be an issue and the 2 times after that it was increasing harder to draw blood.  Well lucky me, it all culminated today and it became an issue. I was in a room, laying down on a cot and it started with 2 nurses.  I'll spare the awful details, but it concluded with 5 nurses, 1 doctor, 5 attempts in 4 different places and finally 1 IV in my wrist. This was very painful and on top of all that, took every single ounce of energy I had, not to pass out. What should have been a 45 min IV, now became a 2 hour IV because they had to use a smaller vein. 

Finally it was over and they came to remove the IV.  The nurse doing that part didn't speak any English.  She took out the IV and I'm guessing told me to put pressure on it in Czech,  which I didn't and next thing I knew she turned around so I thought she was done and I went sit up and blood just started flowing.  That just about did me in right then and there.  Luckily I was already in a bed so I just laid back down.  She turned back from her paperwork, saw what happened and cleaned me up and rebandaged me and said to wait in bed.  Another nurse came in that did speak English.  At first I thought she was there to see if I was OK.  But then she told me my next appointment was in another room.  I assumed this was for my blood results.  Well it wasn't, it was to take more blood.  See I thought they drew the blood before they hooked up the IV.  Remember I can't watch and they don't speak English this came as a shock.  After all I just went through, I now had to try and give blood.  At that moment, my weakness and fear crept in and I lost it and just started crying.  I asked it I could go back and lay down and do the blood draw back there.  The nurse then realized I was crying and called for back up.  Now a team of nurses were back with me.  4 to be exact.  1 kept saying sorry and the others only spoke Czech.  They decided to go back in through the wrist again and this pain was even worse than the last time, but at least it was very quick.  One nurse kept stroking my hair and another nurse held my hand. They were very sweet and really tried hard to comfort me.  I was just wrapped up in emotions and it all came out at that moment. Being so far from home, being alone it just got the best if me.  They sat me up and gave me a big group hug and tried to show me that it will all be ok even though they didn't know the words.  I will remember their kindness forever.  One of the nurses spotted Duncan outside and opened the window and told me to come over to see my boy. 

That stopped the tears and brought me back to some peace and strength.  Sometimes we just push through the tears and do what we have to do. Dealing with infertility isn't easy and some days are harder than others.  Mark this as a difficult day.
I then met with a doctor who added an additional progesterone pill to the mix.  So in two days I will start the transfer protocol.  The clinic has it's own pharmacy so I grabbed the pills and we headed out.  On a more exciting note, there was a TV behind the reception desk and they were playing Octo Hiity.  I am now officially obsessed with their music television.  It's amazing! 

We left Zlin and headed to Brno.  I had intended for us to visit a science center, but because everything took so long, we didn't have enough time.  So instead we went for a stroll around the city center.  There was a cute farmers market outside our hotel so we stopped and got fresh strawberries, tomatoes marinated in garlic and basil and caper berries. We snacked on those and walked for a bit.  The last time we were here I was on bedrest and never left the room so it was nice to finally see the city.  Before we left, I had found a Thai restaurant that had vegetarian and gluten free choices.  I had fried rice with veggies and Ryan had pad thai.  It was delicious.  On the way back to our room, we stumbled upon a stage with live music.  It was a rock band singing loud and in Czech.  Duncan loved it.  After each song, he said "more music". So we sat there and listened and slowly this metal band put my son to sleep. In his early days Metallica used to do the trick and I just love my little rocker dude and his love of music.  I took a slightly longer route home to window shop and try and discover a bit of the city.  Todays ordeal still weighed heavy on my mind so it was nice to just be casual and walk.  We landed back in the room and made for a quick good night.  
Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Day 2 Prague->Kutna Hora->Zlin

I'll jump to the best part of the day first.  In the afternoon we made it to the clinic and I met with a doctor and had an ultrasound check.  Because we used miles to travel, we had few options on which day we left and that meant we were traveling on a day that I needed to have my lining checked and checking it at home would have been too early to matter.  Last time I did that back in the States but this time I didn't have any checks until we got here.  I was a but nervous that they would find something to screw things up, but my check went wonderfully.

• Lining measured 11.8.  This was wonderful news.  You want your lining to be a 7 or better.
• No cysts.  If they find one, it could cancel the cycle because the cyst feeds off of the same hormones you need for the embryo to implant and grow.  My uterus is still squeaky clean!
• No follicles are growing on either side.  That means the drugs are working and everything looks good for transfer.
• They checked my c section scar and gave the ok to transfer 2.  Our doctor in the US also did that and said my scar looked great, but this was a final check here that they needed to do.

In the morning I will go for my infusion and blood draw to determine my next medication schedule.  This is all great stuff and made me feel so much better to cross this off the list and move forward.  Ok so now I can tell you all about the rest of our day, but wanted to share all that good stuff first.

After a rough go of it getting Duncan to go to sleep, once he was asleep, he slept like an angel.  Ryan went and got our rental car and I reorganized our things and got us all ready all while he slept.  We loaded up the car and headed to our first stop.  We decided on Kutna Hora to break up the long ride to Zlin. As soon as we made it onto the freeway, we found a radio station called Rock Zone and Motley Crue's new song The Dirt came on.  I take this as a very good sign. Kutna Hora is about an hour and a half outside of Prague.  It is a small city with quaint curvy cobblestone streets.  Duncan learned the hard way that he can't run on them like he does at home and feel and scraped his hand.  We went to St. Barbara's Church.  It was beautiful on the inside, but we were short on time and had to skip the full inside tour.  We had time for one thing there so we choose to go to a chocolate museum and chocolate shop.  She said the museum was the worlds smallest.  It was really just a room in the back of the store, but it was filled with artifacts and information.  She gave us a brief history of the company, which at one time made over 5, 000 types of candies and chocolates, but then enter Nazi's and WWII and they were taken over and ruined. Recently they reopened as a small batch company and does everything on a much smaller scale.  After the museum, of course we had to buy and sample chocolate.  Duncan has had chocolate in things before, but this was the first time he has ever had a chocolate bar.  At first taste, he declared "I like it, I like it"!  We bought dark chocolate with cacao nibs, plain milk chocolate, white chocolate with cocoa nibs and dark chocolate with ginger.  All were pulled from a bag and pieces were broken off and weighed.  It was a great experience.  Then we walked for a bit and then had to leave to head to Zlin.

Zlin was about a 3 hour car ride away.  We all piled in the car and choose to eat granola bars and other car snacks instead of a proper lunch.  Duncan lasted about 1 hour and then fell asleep for the rest of the ride and I joined him soon after.

Next stop, Zlin.  We arrived about 10 minutes before my appointment and Duncan was still asleep. Ryan stayed with him in the car and I went upstairs.  It is very surreal being back here.  Walking through those doors, it all came flooding back.  I was so nervous last time.  There was a wall with baby pictures on it and I remember praying that one day I would have a photo on that wall.  Now I'm returning and I have a 2 year old in tow with me outside.  Just a flood of all the feels as I walked inside.  On our last trip out here, we became obsessed with a TV channel called Octo Gold.  It was a Czech version of a music television channel, but everything was from the seventies and it was amazing.  The music, the clothes the make up, all fantastically amazing eye candy in a it's so bad it's great kind of way.  Well I walked in and they had on their TV in the waiting room, Octo Star and it was just as glorious.

This made me laugh and immediately made me relax and smile.  I sent Ryan a screenshot of it as he was stuck in the parking lot with our sleeping babe in the car.

After my appointment,  Duncan was still asleep, so we piled back in the car and drove to an old castle that is about 20 min outside of town called Hrad Malenovice.  He still was asleep when we got there so we each took turns walking around.  He woke up right as we were leaving so we got him out and let him run around a bit. Then we piled back in and headed to dinner.

At Hrad Malenovice with a view of Zlin behind me

I had researched and found a restaurant in town that had vegan and gluten free options.  It did not disappoint and for those that dont know, finding anything vegan in CZ is a herculean task so to find one in Zlin was amazing.  It wasn't all vegan, but had several choices for me.  I devoured my grilled tempeh Asian salad because I'm not sure when I'll have more food like this in the next week or so.  Ryan had a peanut chicken salad and what I absolutely loved was that the choices off the kids menu were grilled chicken or grilled salmon, not mac n cheese or friend chicken fingers.  It was actual good food, not crap, but just smaller portions.  Duncan was served a grilled piece of salmon, on potato puree and a spring salad. He ate every single bite.  We also decided to have some drinks. Ryan had a pint of Bernard beer.  I had a glass of house made mulled wine and I ordered Duncan a grapefruit lemonade which I could opt for no sugar added.  It was basically, dried grapefruit, lemon, mint, strawberries and sparkling water.  He was a fan.  We then found a small patch of grass and let him run around to burn some energy before heading back to the room.

In the morning we will have breakfast at the hotel and then I head to my next appointment.  Oh and we celebrate another trip around the sun for my husband.  What better way to say happy birthday than a trip to a fertility clinic in Zlin :)

Thanks for Reading,

HEATHER 

Day 1

Day 1 has not much to report.  It was a very long travel day.  We started off a bit stressed though.  My dad took us to the airport in our car. We hopped out, grabbed out suitcases and said goodbye.  Made it to the ticket counter and realized we left the car seat in the car.  Emergency phone call to him to come back and we paced outside until he got there.  Hopefully we got our mistake out the way early on this trip because it's always something.  We left San Diego at almost 9pm at night.  I wasn't sure how this would turn out, but it worked great.  Duncan was so excited to be on the plane,  he was having the best time.  I hit up my local Buy Nothing group so he had a few new to him cars and trucks for the flight that kept him busy for a bit.  Then they served dinner pretty quick and that helped.  He also doesn't get any screen time at home and was over the moon excited to watch TV on the plane.  They have a kids channel and on there they had old school Tom & Jerry cartoons.  He kept saying "what are they doing" and laughing really hard.  He then quickly made himself at home on my side and slept the rest of the 10 hour flight. Me not so much because there just isnt enough room for both of us. 

I tried laying on my side, but that just put me on top of a very hard piece of plastic, buy hey at least he slept.  I ended up sitting up and watched the Girl in the Spiders Web, which was awful by the way, but nice to relax and veg out and watch a movie. Ryan slept a lot which was nice for him too.  Duncan only woke when I had to put him back on his side and buckle him up.  So the first long flight was great.  Then we ended up having about a 5 hour layover in London.  This too wasn't bad.  They have a kids lounge in the British Airways lounge that was full of toys to keep him busy.  The last flight had a lot of fussing because he was just exhausted.  He wanted to be held and was mad that he had to sit in his own seat.  A few meltdowns on the short 2 hours to Prague, but nothing terrible.  We booked a hotel right at the airport because we landed at 11pm.  Wanted to just pop over and grab some sleep before we head out in the am. We checked in and that's when the real meltdown happened.  He was just way over tired.  He kept saying he wanted to go home, this bed is weird and he is all done.  Wanted to read books and not sleep.  He didn't end up falling asleep until about 3am.  I'm writing this at 6am wide awake.  He is still asleep.
Today we have a quick stop in Kutna Hora just to break up the drive.  Then on to Zlin for a 2:30pm meeting with my doctor and an ultrasound to check on my lining.  There is always a fear that the small amount of radiation on a plane can collapse your lining so here is to thick numbers. And an uneventful 4 hour drive today to the clinic.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

PS - if you want to communicate with us while we are gone,  I opted not to pay for a plan on my phone, but Ryan has one on his phone.  So you can text him, email either of us, use fb messenger for me or What's App for either of us. Basically just don't text me because I won't see it.

Last Workout Before We Go & IV Vitamin

We leave tonight so I was able to squeeze in one more workout before we go.  The goal of this was overall better health, but specifically to lose weight.  I wanted to go into this one carrying less extra weight than the first time around. The goal was to lose 20 lbs in 4 months.

Well I did it!!!!! Today's weigh in results was that I'm down 21lbs from when I started.  I literally and figuratively worked my butt off!  I feel great and it's always wonderful to accomplish a goal.  I always eat pretty healthy, but portion control and snacking was definitely higher than it should ve so I really cut back.  Then I hired a personal trainer and worked out at least 3 times a week, twice with her and once on my own and added a yoga class or two when I could and some Zumba on Sundays. I am super pleased with my results and happy to start off so positive.

  The very last thing I did before we left was an IV therapy treatment.  I did this last time as well.  I chose what is called a fast bag, specifically the immunity bag.  It's an IV drip full of vitamin C, vitamin b12, vitamin by and vitamin D (I think, but don't

Orange bag is my IV drip

remember for sure). It's at a place in Solana Beach.  You go in a room and they hook you up to the IV.  Takes about 20 min for the whole process.  My iron is still lower than I would have liked so the extra vitamin C will help raise my iron levels because it helps with absorption. 

Thanks for reading,

HEATHER

Infared Sauna Treatments

I started going to infared sauna treatments.  This is another one of those things I'm trying to replicate from my previous  cycle.  My previous acupuncturist had prescribed going.  I had one at the gym I was a member at so I did it for 30 min everyday for two weeks before we left.  Now I'm no longer a member of that gym so I had to find a new location.
Through Yelp I found a local day spa that offered the treatments and it is only 15 minutes from my house.  Due to scheduling and just really running out of time.  I'm doing a series of 5 treatments before we go including the day we leave actually.
The day spa is very cute.  For those local to San Diego, it's called Eco Chateau and it's in Sorrento Valley.
The infrared sauna set up is really no different than a regular dry sauna.  You bake in a small room made of wood with class doors, pictured above. However there is a big difference between a regular sauna and an infared sauna.
Why infared sauna for a FET?  Well two reasons really, an increase in immune support and increase in blood flow.  FETs are all about increasing blood flow.  Thus why I have been doing as much acupuncture as possible.  This heated room definitely fits that bill.  When you walk in, it is set to 140 degrees, but I always turn it down to about 120 - 130.  The infrared works no matter how hot it is, just its just a comfort level issue.  They provide you with a spray bottle of cool water and a bowl with cold water and essential oils and a washcloth for after your treatment.
I usually undress but keep my underwear on, lay down and turn the lights off.  I've never fallen asleep, but I have definitely gone into a deep relaxation.  I just did my 4th treatment tonight and have my 5th on Friday.  I think a lot of what I am doing, whether it medically will help with the transfer or not, it is definitely helping to calm my mind and help with the anxiety of this big step.  And that in turn is definitely helping with the FET, so either way its a win win.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Acupuncture

Acupuncture has been a big part of my life for a long time.  I'm so happy to be back at it.  I started using acupuncture to help with leg pain after a car accident several years ago.  Then once I started dealing with infertility, it was always an important component to my treatment.  I had my first treatment for this upcoming cycle yesterday.  Part of the magic of acupuncture is it is truly relaxing and I love it.  The other part is that it helps balance hormones, increases blood flow and helps strengthen the lining of the uterus to prepare for our embryo transfer.
The last several years and several previous cycles I was with a different practitioner.  This cycle I decided to switch for several reasons, to a different facility.  Luckily having volunteered for so long in this space, I know most of the people that work in this field in San Diego.  It was an easy decision to start going somewhere else, and while I had never been a patient before, I knew I would be well taken care of.
While the acupuncturist knew me personally and knew of my story, he still needed to be caught up on the details of my treatment plan.  So the session started out with a quick overview of my history, my current supplements, my current medications and travel plans.  Then the actual acupuncture started.
I laid down on a heated bed.  Needles were then
placed in my ear, my stomach and my ankles.  A heat lamp was then placed on my stomach.  All of this to promote blood flow.  Then calming relaxing music filled the room, lights were turned off and I relaxed for the next 15 min or so.  It was delightful.  I can't wait for my next session.

Restorative Yoga

Taken after class with the instructor.

Look at these blissed out faces.

When I was trying to conceive the first time around, I did a lot of working out and yoga.  I felt good physically, but I was super stressed out to the max.  That's when I discovered restorative yoga.  It was far harder for me to do that class than any other class.  Meditation is not my strong suit.  When the stress is piled on, relaxing and even just taking a mindful breath is difficult for me, my mind continues to race.  I started taking a Yinki class and a Balance and Restore class and they both worked wonders to help quiet the mind.  I did some Yinki during my pregnancy when I was allowed to and it was great too. Then life happens and you get busy and in the blink of an eye, it has been 2 years since my last restorative class.
   Now that we are trying for a sibling, I went back to my first Yinki class on Monday.  My gosh how I missed it!!!!! And needed it!!!!  Yinki is a combination Yin and Reiki class (full description is below along with a link for any SD peeps that may be interested) .  The class is taught by an amazing instructor who I am fortunate to also call a friend.
   Just walking in that room, I could feel the calm spread over me.  This is going to be really good for me. During class, she walks around and lets you select an Angel Card.  Its just something to help guide your practice for the night.  The cards always speak to me.  My card that night was exactly what I needed to hear.  Combine that with her amazing touch and my favorite pose (swan pose), I couldn't have asked for more.  And then when I came home, both husband and son we doing well so it feels even better knowing that I can leave and come back and that both are happy.  I can't wait for the next class!

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

YINKI

This restorative class focuses on healing the body and mind through deep relaxation and release of mental, emotional, and physical stress. Yinki® is a unique class combining Yin Yoga (a more restorative from of yoga) and Reiki (a form of energy healing). Yin Yoga postures gently stretch and rehabilitate connective tissues, while Reiki helps remove blockages or stagnant energy.

This class is spent mostly on the ground, with only stretching poses, each pose held for 3 to 5 minutes. It can be more of a mental challenge rather than physical as it forces you to slow down and be still. Something that the majority of us find very difficult! It is a very meditative class and is the perfect end to a long day. It is relaxing and incredibly healing.

Each Yinki® class includes breath-work, mantra, healing crystal bowls, and meditation as you move through your practice with certified Reiki practitioners. This class is held in our infrared heated Moon Room with a temperature between 80 and 85 degrees.

LEVEL: All levels. https://www.trilogysanctuary.com

Trying Again for a Sibling

So here we are, back at it again.  We have two embryos left from our previous cycle so we are moving forward to try for a sibling.  To catch you up, or for those that didn't follow our other blog that continued on from here once we became pregnant, on Dec 29th 2016 we welcomed our son into the world.  However, our pregnancy, wasn't the happy wonderful time in our lives that we had hoped for.  We found out we were pregnant with twins early on.  Then we were told we were about the miscarry one and possibly both and were put on immediate and strict bedrest.  Then we pulled through and held on to both babies.  Then at 12 weeks and 5 days, we found out that baby B had serious issues, his organs were all formed outside of his ribs. (I refer to him as a he, but we were never able to confirm gender)  This meant he wouldn't survive outside of my belly for much more than a few hours at best and they started talking to us about palliative care. We were then told that he was 'breathing' toxins into the amniotic fluid and that with each breath, he was causing harm to baby A.  We were faced with the horrible task of having to say goodbye too early.  But of course this also faced issues.  The procedure done had a high chance of effecting baby A as well, but by doing nothing, there posed an even higher risk of losing both babies.  So on June 25th, at 13 weeks and 1 day, we said good bye to Baby B and hoped and prayed that Baby A would survive.  Baby A did survive, but part of me didn't.  I will never ever forget that day, that procedure, that doctor, it is my forever nightmare. My entire 39 weeks of pregnancy, I was on bedrest or restricted activity for all but 5 weeks.  So to say the least, it was awful.  I will always have a hole in my heart and a little bit of my soul that feels incomplete.  I mourn my baby often.  There aren't a lot of words to explain the pain I feel.  I should have two babies,  my son should have his brother, but we don't and I've had to figure out a way to continue on for him.  It took a lot of therapy and a lot of tears and I still feel like it happened yesterday.
The last thing I want to do is live through another pregnancy, it was by far the worst time of my life.  And I thought trying to get pregnant was awful, but losing our baby was about as low as I have ever felt.  So why are we doing this again?????  Because I feel like I owe it to my son to at least try for a sibling.  I have a brother and I had so much fun growing up with him, and while only children are fine, I just would love my son to have a sibling.  Reason number 2 is that we already created these embryos.  They are just waiting for us and the opportunity at life.  They deserve a chance.

So like I started out this blog, here we are again.  Our last cycle was the only time I became pregnant in 6 1/2 years of treatments so we are going to duplicate that cycle.  That means that step 1 is a d&c in order to create a new and fresh uterine lining.  I will be put under anesthesia, but it will be a simple procedure. We will be doing that in January.  In the meantime I am going to put some focus on getting my body baby ready.  That means a trip to the naturopath and lots of trips to the gym as well on some mental health steps to wrap my head around gearing up for this.  Even though we will be a nervous wreck if it does work, we would love more than anything for it to work.  However, this is our one and only shot at it.  We will be transferring both embryos and so its a one and done situation, either it works or it doesn't.  So we are hoping and praying for it to work and to be able to give our son a sibling.  Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we embark on this journey because we will need all the support we can get.
Welcome to our journey of round 2!

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Meet Our Donor

We are 7 weeks away from our transfer date.  Things are getting all too real.  I am equally excited and terrified. 

Here is our donor profile.  Ryan and I are really pleased with our match.  In the Czech Republic there is something called the anonymous law which means we will never see a picture or meet our donor.  The following statistics is all we will ever have.  When we were deciding between the CZ and the US as to where to cycle next we knew that we would never see a picture of the donor.  At the end of the day, we preferred this option.  The files you see in the US are pages and pages long and you see several pictures of the donor.  I was afraid that once I have a child that I would see that donor in them.  Without seeing a donor pic, it’s more like reading a good book, I can hold on to this perfect idea in my head of what the donor looks like but I won’t see her actual face.

Here is our donor profile:

• Our donor is a 23
• blue eyes
• brown hair
• 165 cm tall (5’4”)
• weight is 55 kg (121 lbs)
• blood type is A+ (the same as mine)
• She is a bachelor - graduated midwife.
• She is currently about to get her masters.
• She is described as fit and slim and loves sports, especially tennis and volleyball.
• She is proven, it means, that she donated successfully once before.
• She is very responsible, nice, intelligent and communication with her is excellent.

Thanks for Reading,

HEATHER

Hysteroscopy and D&C

Last Thursday I had a hysteroscopy (camera test) and dilation and curettage (D&C).  The reason why we decided to do this was by process of elimination. Since we have practically tested everything else and because we had PGS tested normal embryos that didn't implant, maybe I am having a lining issue or a uterus issue.  It is very rare for us to have the history that we have had with 3 IUIs and 5 IVFs and zero implantation having known that we at least transferred 2 normals.  So we decided to do a d&c to clean everything out and create fresh new lining for the upcoming transfer.

My Mom was my caregiver and took me to the appointment. This was full on surgery with anesthesia. I was nervous because I never handle anesthesia that well. We checked in no problem. They told me they would bring me back get me set up and then they would let her back to join me.
It took them three tries to get the IV started. As soon as needles are pulled out, I shut me eyes and look the other way.  The first time something went wrong and I felt the warmth of the blood all over my arm and neck.  Something had come loose and blood went everywhere.  It was just about the time when I heard the nurse yelling to another nurse to come help that I started to go down.  Shortly after I fainted.

After 3 attempts, the IV was finally started but because I fainted, they couldn't start the anesthesia right away.  So my doctor came in and talked to me and they brought my mom back to hang out for a bit.  After a few rounds of normal vitals, off I went to surgery.

I woke up in recovery and my doctor informed me that he wasn't expecting to see what he did.  On the camera he found in his words 'tons' of polyps.  He said it looked like a mushroom field in there.  There was a lot but they were all very small.  He sent them off to the lab and they came back all normal, so nothing to be worried about.  He was able to clean everything and remove all the polyps.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up to high, but the more I read about polyps, the more it seems impossible to get pregnant if you have them.  polyps article  So now with a squeaky clean uterus, I'm not officially prepping for our FET in April.

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

4 Years by the Numbers

Recently I read an article with a picture of a baby surrounded by the number of shots it took to bring her into this world.  To read the article click here  It got me thinking about how many shots I have taken and what we have gone through.  Here are our numbers:

0  BFPs

1  amazingly strong husband that has been my rock through all of this

1  amazingly cute puppy dog that cuddles every time I need it

2  fresh transfers

2  FETs

3  IUIs

4  years TTC

5  IVFs

6  BFN phone calls

8  fertility doctors that have performed at least one procedure on me

11  embryos created and lost

19  different medication I have ingested or injected along the way

208  number of days spent in tears (approx once a week since this started)

550  approx number of daily shots from first IUI to the last IVF

1460  days of infertility treatments

$$$  amount of money spent on treatment (too scary to actually write down and publish)

BFN

We sadly report that our results were negative.  As I sit here and type this I can't believe these words are even hitting the page.  I am just numb.  I am shocked that after 4 years we are now at the end of our journey.  Our chances of having a biological child is over.  We may pursue other options, but for now we grieve.  We grieve the loss of our embryos.  This was number 10 and number 11.  11 tries, 11 souls gone, 11 lost chances of bringing life into this world.  How does one bounce back from this?

Bedrest

The first week of the 2WW was ok.  I kept myself busy, visited with friends and had family come over.  Went to the movies twice.  Went to gentle flow yoga and modified about half the class.  Went on a couple walks a day to increase blood flow. Not only is that allowed, but it is encouraged.  It wasn't easy but I did manage to get through the days ok.

Over the weeknd, Ryan and I went on another walk.  It was very casual and very slow paced always making sure not to increase my heart rate.  Nothing was out of the ordinary.  When we came home, I noticed I was bleeding.  My heart just sank to the floor.  It lasted a few hours.   I cried for a bit, and now I am just numb.  I haven't had any bleeding since then, but I've had bad cramps non-stop.  The bummer about cramps at this phase is it could go either way, it could be the beginning of my period or implantation cramps.  So I don't even know if I should be happy or sad about it.

From experience and from friends experiences, I knew to go on moderate bed rest immediately.  I called the clinic first thing in the morning and they put me on strict bed rest.  I can lay and sit and get up to go to the bathroom, but that is it.  So if I thought the first week was tough, this one is just going to be awful.

I went from feeling very hopeful to just a feeling of defeat.  This October marked 4 years of suffering and dealing with infertility,  I went to my first doctor to discuss infertility in Oct 2011.  Enough is enough.  It is inhumane to live like this anymore.  4 years of drugs and shots that make you crazy and you feel awful.  I just can't do this anymore.  And I'm not even touching on the financial toll that this has taken on us.  We are still hoping and praying for our miracle but I now fear the worst.

Thanks for reading,

HEATHER