Closure

What a funny title, closure.  Does anyone truly get closure after some life altering blow like this?  Does anyone ever move on from it?  Will I ever move on?  I doubt it.  I will always have this journey as part of my story and my family's story.  This is now embedded in the fabric of who we are and what we have become.  We are now officially a family of 3.  Even as I type this is still doesn't feel totally real and final, even though it is.  I guess the fog hasn't truly lifted.  May was spent in a daze, in true disbelief.  June was spent grieving.  Lots and lots of tears.  July was spent angry.
Now it is August 1st and I'm drawn back to the keyboard trying to find a way to deal with all the feelings.  All I know is that I am tired of feeling sad and angry all the time.  So I am calling August my month of gratitude. Years ago I was so defeated that I never even thought I would have a baby.  Then during my pregnancy, the horrible shock of having to say goodbye to one baby and faced with the threat of losing the other, I prayed every day that I would someday get to hold him in my arms and see his smiling face.  Well here I sit and I am blessed with love and laughter every day and at least for August I am going to try and focus on that.  While I will never get over losing our other baby, I am tasking myself with finding a way to mother the best that I can and find a way to bring that baggage along for the ride that isn't detrimental to either of us.  After all we did name him Duncan because it means fighter and boy did he fight to join us Earth side and be a part of our lives.  So now I fight to show him that we can cry sometimes, but that we can also pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and find the good out there.  When I first started writing this blog it was for myself, I needed to find a way to express how I was feeling.  Then I decided to write it for others that didn't have their voice yet.  So many folks battling infertility fight it alone.  But, now I write it for him.  I want him to know his story and how much I loved him for years before we ever met.  My goal is to get this printed and bound for him.  And just like with our journey, we needed an end point, a time to say we did our best and did all we could, this blog also needs an endpoint.  This is just one of the ways I can hope to find that magical mysterious thing called closure.  So I'll end this in gratitude to my dear son.

Duncan, 
You are the stars and the moon and the sun and all that is amazing in my world.  I am beyond lucky and grateful to finally be able to hold the title of your mother.  I hope one day that you will read this and just know how hard your father and I fought for you.  Know that we did all we could.  I am so sorry that you entered this world without your twin.  I am so devastated for you that your start was with loss.  I am heartbroken for how your story began.  We all know how strong you are and I hope that through out your life you can call on that strength whenever you need it. You are that fighter that we prayed for.  Fight every day for happiness and to see the good in this world.   I love you more than words can express.
Love,
Mom

I'm PUPO

It's an infertility term.  It means Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.  It's a weird state of limbo to be in.  Technically if I am pregnant, I would be 6 days pregnant because we transferred 5 day old embryos.  6 days pregnant doesn't mean really anything to my body, however the mind is a power thing.  Every breath almost makes me wonder if I'm pregnant.  Plus a few of the medications I'm on have similar pregnancy side effects.  And on top of that I have some slight cramping, but that's probably just due to the progesterone and the FET procedure itself.  It's still a funny spot to be in though.  Just constantly wondering.  Dealing and living through this so many times, it still never gets any easier.  The wait is always the hardest.
So what to do to pass the time?  Number one this to do is pray.  My Aunt wrote me a prayer and I've read that a few times.  I've also prayed on my own.  Now more than ever is a timenfor faith.
The next thing I do is talk to my babies.  I place my hand below my navel and welcome them home.  Promise to keep them healthy and well fed.  Promise to love them and grow a beautiful home for them.  Aside from that, there are lots of superstitions and good luck charms surrounding the infamous waiting period.  If anything,  it just makes me feel like I'm doing something and somewhat participating in the process.  I eat Brazil nuts daily.  Brazil nuts contain selenium, which is a mineral that helps to thicken the uterine wall, and a healthy lining aids in implantation.  I take selenium pills, but add eating brazil nuts after transfer.  I also eat pineapple.  Pineapple contains bromelain which has anti inflammatory properties that has a natural anti-inflammatory effect.  I eat warm things and drink tea and lay on my back or left side to increase circulation to the uterus and try and sit as little as possible.

Lastly I have some lucky charms.  First off, on our last trip I found a beautiful egg ornament in Hungary that came with a beautiful story about fertility.  It spoke to us immediately and we bought it and carried it with us everywhere,  continued taking it to every prenatal appointment and took Duncans newborn photos with it.  This whole trip I was looking for something to bring us luck and nothing spoke to me.  The day before our transfering, I was putting something in the diaper bag and found a small bag containing a necklace from Ryan's grandmother who recently passed away.  We were at her home recently and Ryan's mother let me choose what I wanted and I choose that.  I thought I had put it with the stemware I also brought back, but it was sealed away in a special pocket in the backpack.  As soon as I found it, Ryan said, "maybe that's our good luck charm".  Heck ya it is!  His grandmother was always so supportive and special and would send us these beautiful cards during all our previous cycles.  This is for sure her looking over us.  She is our guardian angel.  I put the necklace on and wore it to the transfer.  Duncan asked what it was and I told him it was Grandma Rita's and he said "I love you Grandma Rita".  And we do love her very much and feel so special to have her looking out for us.

Lastly I have another pair of lucky socks on.  Todays socks are lemurs.  Lemurs hold a special place in our hearts.  We have a memorial plaque for the baby we lost in front of the lemurs at the San Diego Zoo.  We chose lemurs for two reason.  Their name means angel and because they are vegetarians:)  I always say that Duncan has a very special angel looking out for him.  So when I saw the lemur socks I knew they would be perfect for implantation day.

Ryan and Duncan are enjoying a lovely afternoon in Prague and I'm relaxing in our room.

As always, Thanks for Reading!
HEATHER

x

FET recap

Yesterday was transfer day.  All went well.  Here are the details of the day.
We woke up and had breakfast in the hotel.  Them I went upstairs to the clinic for my blood draw.  I had 3 nurses attend based on what happened last time.  I'm happy to report that it only took one poke and in the forearm.  I was in and out in 10 min.  That was a huge relief.
We then continued our photo taking quest from the day before.  We visited Thomas Bata University, the college where our donor attended.  We found a very small book store that sold shirts and sweatshirts, but none in Duncan's size.  They did however sell a beach ball so we were able to purchase something. We then walked to a farmers market that we had found the last time we were here and took pictures there as well.  Duncan was happy to find a guy selling popcorn.  Lastly we walked over to the oldest house in town which we had also discovered the last time we were here.  The one thing we found this time, that we missed last time was the main square.  Obviously its very small.   We had walked on the street in front of it last time.  It had several shops,  cafes and coffee shops.  We wandered around there taking more pictures until it was time for my appointment.
Next up was our appointment with embryology and with Anna our coordinator. She is the English speaking contact we have and has been a huge help through the process both times.  I was so excited for Duncan to meet her.  Without exaggeration,  I bet I've exchanged at least 500 emails with her if not more.  She was our life line through all of this.  We brought her a gift as a thank you and it was so very sweet to have Duncan give it to her.  I asked if she would hold him so I could take a photo of them together and I got some really great ones.
We then got down to business.  OUR EMBRYOS SURVIVED THE THAW!!!! They both started hatching right before the time of transfer. 

I only have a dark and grainy photo.  I'm going to ask for a better one tomorrow and see if they took any other pictures.  But who cares, our little embryos awoke and started growing and that's the first huge step.  I also got my progesterone numbers back and they were 131.  No need to change any medication so just going to stay on our current protocol until I go for more blood work.
After our meeting, Duncan and Ryan had to go.  They wouldn't be allowed in for transfer and it was lunchtime anyways so they headed off. Anna gave Duncan a big kiss on the cheek and he said goodbye. I hugged and kissed both my guys and they left in search of a park and lunch.
They don't offer acupuncture here so I was unable to get treatment before or after transfer which is what I would do back home.  At the wellness center they did offer a head and shoulder massage.  I thought that would be a good idea before the transfer.  That was a big mistake.  There was nothing wrong with the massage, but I was just a ball of nerves and it made it so very hard to lay still.  It was almost torture more than relaxing.  Finally it was over and I could move around.

I went back to the room to get ready for transfer.  They ask that you wear just a shirt and then your robe and slippers.  I put on my dream big socks and headed to transfer.

They have a waiting room you sit in before transfer that is a room with a few beds.  I waited in that room for about 45 minutes.  There was one lady before me.  It was nice to have some extra time alone.  I sat down and listened to a few short guided meditations.  Then I did a bunch of squats and sit ups and then some yoga poses and finally some stretching.  This all really helped calm me down.

Finally it was my turn.  They escorted me into the operating room.  There were two nurses.  One doing the work and another one to translate what was going on in English.  Then the doctor came in and we went over what was going to happen.   Confirmed that we were transfering two and using Embryoglue.  Then the embryologist cane in and introduced herself.  That's when she informed me that they both had started to hatch and said she would show me on the monitor.  She left and went into the lab and shortly after, on the monitor were these two gorgeous embryos.  It brought tears to my eyes to see them.  I then laid back, feet up and the transfer began.  The only thing different this time from all the other times is the embryologist participated in transferring the embryos. The doctor set everything up and then she came back with the pipette containing our embryos.  She was the one to actual place them.  Then she left to confirm they were both gone and the pipette was empty, which it was.  She then said good luck, squeezed my hand and left.  The doctor also wished me well and left. Then the two nurses wheeled my gurney back into my room.  There was a small mishap where they took a corner too close and knocked a chunk of drywall off.  Both Ryan and Duncan think this is hilarious and laugh every time they pass it.  They then transferred me to my bed and instructed me to lay still for an hour.  It's a lot easier to do that in your own bed than in the uncomfortable bed with stirrups that usually happens.  So I laid back and watched the latest Kevin Hart standup.  It was the perfect mindless activity.  Shortly after I took a nap.  I laid in bed the rest of the afternoon and evening as I have now entered the bed rest position of all this.  The boys shared a burger for dinner and I again indulged in peanuts and a granola bar.  We all went to bed shortly after.  Now just hoping and praying for a successful implantation.  Stick babies stick!

Day 10 - FET Day

Today is the big day!  It's 4am here now and of course I can't sleep.  So much going on.
In a few short hours (around 10pm California time) the embryologist will wake our embryos from their deep sleep from the last 3 years.  Hopefully they had a great nap and are ready to go to work.  That's the first big obstacle,  surviving the thaw. 
Then at 11am our time (2am California time) we meet with the embryologist to find out their status.  We had 2 perfectly graded embryos going into the freeze and hopefully that's what we get out.
Then at 1pm our time (5am California time) I head into the operating room and transfer those embabies and welcome them home.  Then it's 1 hour in recovery trying to stay perfectly still and then after that it's the waiting game.
So today is the day.  Pray that our little ones find comfort and want to stick around for about the next 39 or so weeks.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Day 9 Tabor -> Zlin

Awoke to a beautiful morning in Tabor.  The weather was perfect, the sun was out and a great day for a walk.  Breakfast was included at our hotel and it was awesome.  Another place with pretty good gluten free bread too.  If you ever find yourself in the small town of Tabor, I recommend the Hotel Nautilus.  I wanted to shop and Duncan wanted to watch the construction guy drive a skid steer so we split up and I walked and Ryan and Duncan watched the crew working on the old church in town.  I found an adorable shop that I bought a Christmas ornament in as a souvenir from our trip.  Then I found a coffee shop that also sold art and books.  I bought two books for Duncan, one is a book in Czech about football and another in English about the Mole that's a popular toy here.  I also found a cool print to frame and put in his room and another painting for our bathroom. We squeezed as much as we could in and then had to leave and head to Zlin which was about 3 hours away.
One of the main things I wanted to accomplish on this trip was to make Duncan a scrapbook photo album so he could see for himself where he began.  I bought a nice camera before we left and made it a goal to take him around Zlin and take lots of pictures.  I got a good hour in today and will continue tomorrow.
Then it was time for my massage.  That wasn't an option the last time I was here so I was glad to take advantage this time.  Plus for a 90 min massage, it only costs $30!  While I got my massage, Ryan found a playground to take Duncan to.  Then they got food to go at the place we ate at last time because again it's literally the only vegetarian place in town.  It is good though so it worked. While I was waiting for the boys to being food back, I enjoyed a glass of wine on the patio.  It was so pretty out and nice and quiet. 

After dinner we went back to the hotel we stayed at the last time we were here called Pension Uno.  We had dessert in their restaurant and took lots more photos.  We talked about just how crazy it was to be back there.  The last time we were there we had no clue about if this crazy plan of ours would work and now we are here with a 2 year old.  Just crazy. 
Well off to bed as tomorrow is the big day. Lots and lots of appointments and things going on.  I'll update as soon as I can.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER
 

Day 6 - Krems an der Donau -> Cesky Krumlov

So the pills are starting to really hit my system and some side effects are kicking in now like nausea and light headedness,  but that's really all about the quantity that I'm taking more than anything.  My wrist is still really sore which is just making me really anxious knowing that I have to do another blood test in a few days.  Stomach is still sore.  And now I have the added fun of progesterone suppositories.  They give you cramps so that's fun.  Overall though I'm not getting any migraines and I'm very thankful for that.  That's usually the response my body takes to these meds so I'm really happy not to have to deal with that.
The vacation portion of the trip is going well.  Duncan hasn't slept through the night yet, but it's getting better every day.
Today we awoke in Krems and had breakfast at our hotel.  They had a gluten free roll and I was so happy to have it.  After breakfast we made out way to another winery.  Again it was appointment only so we had the whole place to ourselves.   They asked if we wanted to taste inside or outside and we chose outside so Duncan could play.  He brought his toy excavator and there was a small pile of dirt in the back area so that was enough to keep him entertained for the hour we were there.  We did the 12 wine tasting for €15, emptying most of it out because I don't like to drink before a transfer and because Ryan was driving.  It was still a lot of fun though tasting all these different wines. About half I had never had before. It was very special and high up on cool winery moments we have had. 
After that we drove through small town after small town.  They all follow the Danube and the views are gorgeous.  We eventually made our way to Melk to visit the famous Melk Abbey.  We toured as much as we could without going on the official tour because that would have been torture for Duncan.  So he just ran around and we saw what we could.  The boys had pizza for lunch and I had a well balanced lunch of an apple, peanuts and a granola bar from our car stash.  We then headed to the castle Scholls Schallaburg.  As soon as we entered the parking lot, Dyncan fell asleep.  We thought about going in, but decided to pass, let him nap and get to our next city sooner.
Our next stop was Cesky Krumlov.  We reached it about 5pm.  Here we rented a 2 bedroom apartment through Airbnb, which I had never used before.  We picked it because it had a washer and dryer and we would be able to do laundry halfway through the trip so we wouldn't have to pack as much.  Since Duncan uses me as a human napkin, it's nice to have a set of clean clothes again.  We played it mellow tonight.  I had researched and found an actual vegetarian restaurant in town.  Ryan agreed to get food to go and bring it back.  The restaurant owner bought Ryan a beer while he was waiting for his food so that put a big old smile on his face.  We did laundry, ate dinner, took long hot baths and played with kinetic sand until we all went to bed.  It was nice to take a break and just relax for a night.  Plus we have a full schedule tomorrow so enjoyed some relaxing time.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Day 5 Weiner Newstadt->Krems an der Donau

Day 5 was much better.  The additional progesterone pill isnt too bad and no real side effects.  I'm tolerating the addition iron pill as well.  It just makes for a lot of pills.  I would say I'm up to approximately 20 pills now.

  The only real side effect I'm feeling is with the addition of prednisone,  my appetite has increased.  Which again makes it tough in the land of sausages and pretzels.  My wrist is still very swollen and has a huge bruise.  And because it's on my wrist, I move it a lot so I feel it a lot.  The skin irritation where the reaction from the adhesive was has also gone away so the itchiness has also left.  The main thing I'm dealing with is the bruising from the shots.  I'm still icing it like normal,  but it doesnt seem to be working as well this time around.  I'll spare you any photos, but my stomach is now a collection of various sized and colored bruises.  Its makes for a very tender abdomin and slight discomfort when I'm sitting.  Lastly, for those that don't know, as the result of a car accident years ago, I suffer from nerve damage in my leg.  It usually is treated with an internal device that sends relectrical pulses from my nerves to my brain to stop the pain.  I had to turn that off and the pain is slowly starting to come back.  I dealt with this last time so it wasn't unexpected,  it's just not fun.
Emotionally I feeling better and in a better head space.  Thanks again for the outpouring of support.  It's always wonderful to know I have a great tribe looking out for us.
We are now in full vacation mode until we head back on the 8th.  I have a full itinerary to keep us busy.  We are basically driving along the north countryside of Austria and then making a circle and driving across the Czech Republic.

Today we hit the coolest amusement park in Austria.  It was called Family Park and it was just a perfect day.  Zero crowds and the weather was lovely.  Duncan was the perfect age to take here.  Almost everything he could ride as long as we accompanied him.  We spent the majority of the day there.

At Nigl winery

In the late afternoon we headed to the Austrian wine region of Wachau.  Here it is different than tasting at home. Every single winery is by appointment only.  I read an article in Travel & Leisure about where to taste and booked us a 4pm tasting at a winery called Nigl.  It was awesome. Really very different from wine tasting in California.  The wines were ok, but it was really the experience that was amazing.  After wine tasting we ended up in Krems an der Donau were we stayed at a lovely little hotel.  We went for a walk, did some window shopping and then found a restaurant that I had researched that had some vegan options.  Food was just ok, but I was glad to get a meal.  We got the food to go and ate it in the courtyard of our hotel which had just enough grass to keep Duncan occupied and burned off some energy before bed.  Tomorrow we are off to another city with hopefully just as much good times in store for us.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Fertilization Report

Our ER was yesterday and below is the report and our next steps. We are very happy with the results, but will be on pins and needles until we get our final report on the 19th.

We will try and keep busy over the next few days. I found a place to hang our good luck egg in our hotel room. Tomorrow we are taking a day trip to Saltzburg which we are very much looking forward to.

Here is our report:
Yesterday we retrieved 12 eggs from a donor,

12 of them were mature, and 10 were fertilized with  PICSI, so you have 10 embryos now. They are monitored by EmbryoScope.

Your partner had his semen analysis done and the result is  asthenosperm (sufficient for IVF)  . He had 0 dose of sperm cryopreserved because the whole sample was used for fertilization.

Embryo transfer is scheduled for Tuesday 1:00 pm( 13:00 pm).

Please, have all your medication as prescribed as well as morning Progesterone (Utrogestan) pills vaginally. The main ingredient will be absorbed within 30 mins and white discharge will be cleaned in the operation theatre during embryo transfer.

Please come at 10:00 am  to 3d floor to give your blood for progesterone level.

You can have your breakfast before giving a blood.

You will have your consultation with embryologist at  12:40 pm    – please come to the 3d floor, you will be given an information about how many embryos you have and what quality they are.

Take your passports  and filled consent forms, which you will sign in front of the doctor or other clinic staff.  We cannot provide ET without signed consent forms.

After the consultation please come to 1st floor to financial dept. to balance your payment.

Then please come to 3d floor for the transfer. Please, take a bathrobe (long t-shirt) and slippers (socks) with you.  You will stay in the recovery room after the transfer for about 1 hour and I will then bring you the final report to your room.

It is better if you have a half full bladder for embryo transfer. You may drink around 2 glasses of water 1 hr before the embryo transfer, or just do not use the bathroom 2hrs before the procedure. Please, do not lead it to the critical as well, because you need to lie for 1 more hour once embryos are transferred.

You will continue taking medications prescribed, so please  make sure you have enough until  week 12th . I can give you the prescriptions for the meds you missing or make sure you will be able to arrange the meds in your country.

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

We Have a Green Light

We are officially moving forward with our cycle in the Czech Republic.  Today I went for an ultrasound with our clinic here in San Diego and was given the green light.  Our clinic in the Czech Republic require a lining of 7 or higher after being on estradiol for 10 days.  Today marked day 10 so off to the clinic I went at 8am.  My lining measure 10.5 and we measured 3 times to make sure.  As a side note my AFC was 9.  I swear they were just there mocking me.  So I sent off my ultrasound pictures and results and received an email back from my clinic in the Czech Republic saying:

Your lining is excellent. Please, continue with the medication schedule without any change.

 Look forward to see you soon.

So off to the Czech Republic we go.  First we are heading to Budapest to get in a quick 4 day vacation before the whole process starts.  Here is our anticipated timeline:

April 9th - 12th - Budapest
April 13th - Ultrasound and Blood work at the Zlin clinic to make sure my lining and estrogen and progesterone levels are correct
April 14th - Egg retrieval from donor
April 15th - 18th Vienna
April 19th - transfer
April 19th - 22nd - bed rest in BRNO
April 23rd - home

We appreciate all the love and support we have recieved.  We can really use your prayers and well wishes in the next several days especially on the 19th.  CZ is 9 hours ahead so we are guessing our transfer will happen at around 1am or 2am west coast time.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Walk of Hope

Back in January 2015, I volunteered to Chair a Walk of Hope and bring the walk to San Diego.  After many months and hours of works, a great committee of volunteers, an amazing Co-Chair and an awesome network of family and friends, the walk finally came to fruition.

The inaugural Walk of Hope took place on March 12th in NTC Park at Liberty Station.  I arrived at the park just in time to see the sunrise. What a beautiful way to start the day.

This was the first time I have Chaired a walk and last minute fears of nobody showing up kept me awake the night before.  But as the sun rose, folks started showing up. Then it was full speed ahead, getting everything set up.

We did a few activities before the walk started including a yoga warm up. Then the Co-chair of the walk gave a very moving speech about her journey and why she walks.  I said a few words but mainly just thanked everyone for their support. This roller coaster of a ride is so difficult, but being surrounded by friends and family and feeling the love and supports definitely helps make each step a bit easier.

I had a walk team and I had 42 people on my team. How awesome is that!!! Our team was called Team Love Haight and I had the cutest t shirts made.  Not all are shown in this photo.  next year I want to make sure I get a photo of everyone.

Next , to my surprise, RESOLVE presented me with a medal and thanked me for all my efforts. I have to admit that was pretty darn special, I mean how often are you called a hero???




After the award ceremony, Elizabeth and I started the walk and our husbands joined as well as her two children. What a great feeling to turn around and see how many folks were on the walk with us.

Afterwards my parents hosted a Team Love Haight luncheon at Slater's 50/50.  Ryan's sister and her family drive all the way from Rancho Cucamonga to show their support.  My parents friends joined as well. My brother and Grandmother were also there.

At the end of the day I feel so blessed to have the support that we do. Thanks to all those that walked and donated to the first inaugural Walk of Home.

I am excited to start working on the Second Annual Walk of Hope. Stay tuned for details about that in the coming months.











After the San Diego Walk of Hope we headed up the following week and helped out at the LA Walk of Hope.  Thanks to our LA friends for coming out and supporting us at that walk.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

2WW

The 2WW (two week wait) is the dreaded time after a transfer and before you find out if you are PG or not.  BFN or BFP???  This is by far one of the hardest thing about infertility.  This is now all mental.  I have done all that I can do leading up to this and now I just pray every second of every day that my embryos have decided to snuggle in and stay.

Right now I am still on blood thinners (nightly awful shots), estrogen, progesterone, steroids and vitamins and supplements.  Physically I have some minor cramping that has gone on non-stop since about a week ago but that's about it.

There are other things that I am trying to do to help.  I am on a website message board that is only for people with infertility.  I asked people that got their BFPs what they did on the day of the transfer and what they did during the 2WW.  Here is the combined list of all that research.  Do I really think that eating a brazil nut a day will be the answer to all my problems, probably not, but it sure doesn't hurt and they do taste pretty yummy.

FET & 2WW Protocols

Eat 2 or more brazil nuts every day
No cold foods during 2WW
Room temperature beverages only for 2WW
No raw fruits or veggies for 2WW
When laying down, lay of left side for improved circulation
Acupuncture immediately after before and after transfer
Crew length socks at all times for two weeks
Think happy thoughts

Pray

Eat pineapple core for bromelain 

Eat walnuts

Eat kiwi

Add ginger to water or tea

Add lemon to water or tea

Do not raise heart rate

Do not raise core body temperature

Watch comedies and try to laugh

Walk or swimming is ok as long as it is gentle

Light yoga is okay with modifications

Today's happy socks

Thanks for reading,

HEATHER

FET Recap

Today was our FET, our long awaited, highly anticipated FET.  We don't have the best news to share but we are trying very hard to stay hopeful and positive.  One of our embryos had some complications and it isn't looking too good right now.  We did still end up transferring both which I will explain in a minute and we still have high hopes for both of them.

I started off the day with a wonderful yoga practice at 7am.  While I was at yoga I asked Ryan to run to the store and pick up some last minute items.  I have been doing all kinds of research from women who got positive results and what they did on the day of their transfer and what they did during the 2WW.  Of course it was all over the place and I really don't feel like eating one kiwi will actually be the deal maker but it really helps my mental health to continue to do all I can to make this miracle happen.  So off to yoga I went and off to the store he went.  When I came back home I was greeted with a really sweet card from him.  I then took a bath since it would be a while before I can take a nice long hot one again and Ryan took Parker on a walk, then off we went.

We went to SDFC and checked in.  There was a friendly face in the lobby, a friend's mother was keeping her company before her ER.  She gave me a giant hug before I went in and it was very comforting.  First stop was acupuncture.  Ryan kept me company in the room.  Then about 5 minutes in, I realized I forgot my awesome socks.  Ryan ran back home to get them.  Staying warm is one of the good luck, fingers crossed tricks to try.  So I stayed and did my treatment sans socks for now, but rockin my awesome Motley Crue shirt.  Oh and we listened to Without You on the way to the clinic. It was our song at our wedding and always puts a smile on our faces.

This isn't a stock photo, this is our actual embryo.
Our perfect and wonderful embryo.
This is the one the survived the thaw strong and intact.

Next stop was the surgical center at SDFC.  The FET was performed in the minor procedures room.  I took my valium (they give you one to relax if you want one) and settled in to start to relax.  Then the embryologist came in to deliver the news.  We had two chromosomally normal embryos frozen in  June.  We had decided to implant both to increase our chances of a live birth.

This is our other embryo that needs some extra love and prayers.
We have not given up and hope.
This one fights just a little harder than it should have to.

About 2-3 years ago the technology of freezing embryos wasn't where it is today.  Today there is very little chance of losing an embryo in the thaw, about 4% chance really.  Well we have a way of always falling into those tiny minute crap odds.  One of ours started to leak and collapse during the thaw.  It was so unexpected.  Of all the things that could go wrong, this didn't even register as a possibility. Ryan wasn't back yet and I just crumbled into the arms of the embryologist.  As soon as Ryan walked in and saw me crying, I'm sure he knew.  I went from her arms around me to his.  We were both truly devastated.  We collected ourselves and the doctor came in.   We talked about what had happened and what the next steps would be,  The good news is that our other embryo did great and was looking really good.  The second embryo, while breaking down, still had a few cells in it and he recommended still transferring that one.  I asked if we should still have hope and his answer was that the odds weren't 0 so we should remain hopeful.  So with my fancy socks on we moved forward with the FET.

The bright white line below the green arrow are our embryos.

The whole FET procedure does not take very long at all.  You fill out some paperwork, sign some legal consent forms and they go over the procedure and what your limitations are afterwards.  There is a monitor connected to the lab and they flash on the screen our petri dish with our name on it and we confirm that it is ours.  Then they insert the catheter.  We had some HCG added to the embryo solution.  That is a fairly newer trick they are trying to help with implantation.  They whole procedure we can see on another ultrasound monitor to the side of me.  They insert the embryos and take a picture and we have a photo of the exact second they come back to me.  As soon as I saw them on the screen I closed my eyes and began to talk to them.  I welcomed them home and promised I would take good care of them for the next 9 months and hoped that they would stay.  When it was over you stay on the gurney for about 20 minutes.  As soon as the doctors and nurses left.  I put my hand on my belly to say hello and Ryan did too.

After the FET I went back to acupuncture for  my follow up treatment.  I then came home, ate some soup, only warm food for the next two weeks and practically melted onto the couch.  Between all the stress of the day I was exhausted.  Later, I watched comedies on Netflix.  I had read that laughing is really good, both for your emotional self as well as it physically helps increase blood flow to your stomach muscles.

3 Days To Go

So yesterday I had my peace of mind appointment at the fertility clinic.  I had an ultrasound done to take a look at my uterine lining and make sure that everything was still ok.  I hadn't had a check in four days so I was really nervous.  I also hadn't spotted in four days so that was a good thing.  The results of the ultrasound were really good and really reassuring.  My lining measure 9.5 which meant it was still getting thicker even with the introduction of progesterone.  Progesterone collapses your lining from triple lined to a compacted single lined structure so usually it measure the same or smaller than the time before.  The previous time I had measure a little over 8. There was still no activity going on in my ovaries (that's what we want to happen).  The only thing she could see on the ultrasound was some fluid in my cervix and she suspects that's where the spotting was coming from and predicted that I will see some more.  When i asked if I should be worried about it, her comment to me was "If I was sitting here getting these results about my cycle I would be thrilled and wouldn't hesitate for a second to move one with my transfer".  So with that, I decided to go forward with our transfer on Monday.

I decided to treat myself to a massage.  The amount of stress and worry and anxiety that I am literally carrying on my shoulders deserved to relax a bit.  So I had an amazing massage that helped to relieve the tension.  It was a great distraction.

Next I went and got my hair done.  My last fertility clinic, didn't allow you to use hair color in the 2WW and hopefully after the BFP for the next 12 weeks.  So I got it done on the last day possible.  That was also nice and relaxing.

Then when my husband came home from work, he brought me a beautiful purple orchid.

With all the relaxation of the day, I still find myself laying awake at night contemplating all the What Ifs that are about to happen.  As hard as I try, I just can't quiet the chatter inside.

Thanks for reading,

HEATHER

Vacationing with Infertility

My husband Ryan and I went to Kauai on vacation for 8 wonderful days.  Ryan's Grandmother gifted us our hotel room and we had enough miles to fly there so it was even better since it was a no cost vacation.  We were both very excited to go.  The goal was to go there and de-stress and recharge our batteries in preparation for our upcoming FET.

The biggest mistake we made was thinking that we would also be able to take a vacation from infertility and that we would be able to leave our struggles behind.  What we failed to realize was that when we signed up for group tours (we went zip lining, rented atvs, went kayaking, rappelling and boating) that there would be a 'get to know you' introduction portion of the tour.  Inevitably they would ask where we were from and if we were married.  We were actually there celebrating our 5th anniversary.  Once we told people that we were married, the automatic next question was 'Do you have children'?  I answered, 'We have a dog that I treat like my child'.  Which if you actually know me, you know that is a very true statement.  

The first time someone asked me that question, I held it in for a minute, but then the next person to talk had just had a baby and everyone got all excited and was asking questions and the tears just started coming.  Luckily we were outside so I had sunglasses on and I am pretty sure that Ryan is the only one that knew I was crying.  He put his arm around me and I just stood there crying for a bit.  On another tour they asked everyone what they did for a living and when I said I didn't work, the tour guide assumed that I was a stay at home mom and went on and on about how my job was the most important and hardest in the world.  I was literally speechless and just stood there.  Again Ryan took my hand and we tried to just continue on.  Later that day I just broke down in our room and just couldn't believe that every day I had to exclaim to strangers that I was childless.  I just did not see that coming, it was very unexpected.

The first day of our vacation was the first day of meds for this cycle.  I'm starting off this FET cycle with Lupron for the first 10 days.  I had to bring all of our supplies on the plane with us.  I have a few friends that have had to travel with drugs before and asked them for tips and tricks.  Basically you need a travel letter from your doctor which is pretty standard.  Then we put everything into an insulated reusable lunch bag with some gel ice packs.  The only thing we didn't pack in the carry on was the sharps container.  We were told it was easier to pack it in the checked baggage and less hassle with TSA.  So we were all ready to go and in the security line.  Not thinking anything,  I turned to Ryan and said 'Are you going to carry the drugs or do you want me to?'.  Nothing actually happened, but I thought for sure we were going to get pulled into secondary.  They x-rayed our bag and then pulled it out for a quick inspection and then sent us on our way.  We had one single shot to do every day.  This will be out shot schedule for the whole cycle and we always do our shots at 9pm.  That way Ryan will for sure be home from work and we don't have to stress over it.  We had to calculate for the time change so we did the shot at 6pm Hawaii time.  It only interfered with a few  dinner plans and made us a few minutes late to watch the USC game, but other than that it was fine.

our tray table

The real adventure was doing the shot on the plane.  There was no way around that.  You have to do the shot within 60 min of the time you set every day.  That means we have between 8 - 10 pm.  Our flight was from 5 - 11pm.  We were a bit nervous to do it on the plane, even though I have several friends that have done it and told me it would be fine.  We were both just paranoid that there would be turbulence at the worst possible time.  When set out alarm and when it went off we pulled out everything at our seats and watched the back of the plane and waited until there was no one back there waiting to use the bathroom.  We went to the back and asked the flight attendants if we could do the shot back there by the jump seat and they said that was fine.  I had put an ice pack on my stomach back at our seat so I was ready to go.  Ryan prepped the shot.  The only issue with doing that on a plane is when he pulled the syringe out, some of the drugs sprayed a bit due to the pressure on the plane, but not a significant amount.  As we were doing the shot the flight attendant was nice enough to block off the aisle for us so we had a tiny bit of privacy.  All went well and the plane was super smooth, no turbulence at all.  The only problem was because we packed our sharps container, we didn't have anywhere to put the needle and there isn't a sharps container on the plane.  I had forgot that my friend told me to bring an empty water bottle and to put it in there until you can transfer it back to the sharps container later.  We just capped it and put it in my purse.  So we had to do yet another crappy thing like give a shot on the plane in now what feels like a very long infertility journey, but hey, we survived yet another crappy thing!

We still had an amazing vacation and lots of wonderful memories were made.  It was just very eye opening to both of us knowing and then realizing that we can never ever escape the pain and sorrow of infertility.  We can't go to an island and think we can escape it.  We can't leave our friends and family behind and think for one second that we won't have to answer any questions or that we can go one day without it being a front and center part of our lives. 

Thanks for reading,

HEATHER

Emotional Side of IF

The support group that I run in San Diego hosts guest speakers from time to time.  I am always looking for people aside from the REs that are involved in the infertility community to come speak at our meetings.  Dr. Karen Hall came very highly recommended by past Cookies members as well as my acupuncturist Jeneanne Paden.  Dr. Hall is a licensed psychologist that specializes in infertility counseling, miscarriage and third-party reproduction issues.

I have read a lot of books about living and dealing with infertility, but having a group discussion led by a psychologist was very different and really worthwhile.  She touched on a lot of things that really hit home.  IF is a very isolating issue to have to deal with.  One of the many benefits of the support group as well as this meeting was knowing that what I am feeling and going through is 'normal' and that I am not crazy for feeling/saying/acting the way that I do.

Here are just some of the issues we discussed that are appropriate to share here:

• The stress level that comes with IF is huge.  It is truly a crisis.  It is similar to being diagnosed with a life ending disease.
• It is important to remember to continue to live life and be present in our marriage.  Find an activity with your spouse that you can get lost in and not discuss infertility.
• It's OK to put a bubble around us to protect ourselves.
• Take ownership of your own happiness.
• IF is a grieving process.
• We have to let go of the fairy tale of how it should have been.

We talked a lot about marriage and the struggles our relationships are put through when dealing with IF.  Ryan was out of town for this meeting, but I took some notes and we will try some of the communication techniques that she described.  My hope is that by trying some of these things it will help ease some of the pain that IF brings to our marriage.

If anyone is looking for therapy in San Diego, Dr. Hall was very professional and very experienced in this area.  Here is her info http://www.infertilitycounselingandsupport.com/san-diego-infertility-counseling.htm

Thanks for Reading,

HEATHER