No Advice Needed (but hugs are welcomed)

A funny interpretation of very common 'helpful' remarks that I have heard over the last 5 years.  Infertility is a disease and should be treated as such.  We just need a hug and a show of support.  We are surrounded by constant reminders about how easy others can conceive, we don't need additional stories about that one time your neighbors daughters best friend once stood on one leg, ate an avocado and 9 months later had triplets!  And for the paraplegic folks out there, don't tell them the same story but instead insist that your neighbors daughters best friend grew a working leg after said eating of avocado.  Both stories are ridiculous and should be treated as such.

"So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile? 

(author unknown)

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!
2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!
3. My cousin was paralyzed, but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.
4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.
5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.
6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.
7. So... when are *you* going to start walking?
8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!
9. But don't you *want* to walk?
10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.
11. You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.
12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.
13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.
14. Look at those people hiking... doesn't that make you want to hike?
15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.
16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.
17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.
18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.
19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.
20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.
21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.
22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!
23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!
24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.
25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!
26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!
27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.
28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running...

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

5 Days To Go

With only 5 days to go I am starting to get really anxious about our upcoming transfer.  I've been hyper, sad, energetic and tired almost all at the same time.  Plus add the hormones and other drugs to that and my mind just continues to race.

So far the side effects are still minimal.  I am rocking some great teenage type acne.  I have headaches here and there, but they are manageable.  Weight gain has gone down to +2.

Since I am so anxious I was wide awake in the morning so I decided to get up and take a 7am.  It was a vinyasa flow class and it was just what I needed.  Plus I really like the teacher and her flow so that helped set my mood and tone for the day,

Next I went to labcorp to get my thyroid tested again.  My naturopathic doctor recommended retesting between 3 and 5 days prior to transfer just in case they need to reassess my dosage.   Since I just gave blood yesterday on one side and had the IV done on the other side, it was a little challenging to find a vein that would work.  Luckily the nurse was able to find one and it didn't take to long.

In the evening I had set up a support group meeting.  I can not put into words how extremely helpful this wonderful group of people have been.  They are a great deal of strength and comfort.  They are understanding and just getting hugs from them, helps to get through tough days like this.  I wish that I would have met these people in a different way, but I am truly blessed to have them in my life.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

The Next Step is Finally Here

I finally got the all clear from all my doctors and started the next step of the process which is priming for the FET.  I started bcps last tuesday and I got in tomorrow for blood work and an ultrasound.  If everything checks out ok, I will get my calendar for the upcoming FET.

We are going to throw everything we can at this transfer which means doing every procedure, every drug, every supplement and every lifestyle change we can to hope and pray that this one works.

So far I have focused on my fertility focused diet and as much yoga as I can possibly do.  One day I did 3 classes!  I am taking supplements for health, being a vegetarian and for the transfer.  Next I am going to work on the mind part of this.  I just ordered some affirmation cards and I am going to start meditating on a more frequent basis.

As far as how many embryos we will transfer, at the moment we are leaning towards transferring both.  However we are always changing our minds so we still have time to change back to one only.  The final decision has to be made the day before the transfer so we have until then to decide for sure.

Lastly, my mantle of hope has grown a little bigger.  A friend gifted to Ryan and I a rock that says live to help us to remember that our infertility and our struggles don't define us, yes it is a part of who we have become but it isn't the whole part.  We have to remember to LIVE!

And on that happy note, Ryan and I are off to Kauai to celebrate our 5th anniversary, to relax and destress and get ready for our transfer.

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

Emotional Side of IF

The support group that I run in San Diego hosts guest speakers from time to time.  I am always looking for people aside from the REs that are involved in the infertility community to come speak at our meetings.  Dr. Karen Hall came very highly recommended by past Cookies members as well as my acupuncturist Jeneanne Paden.  Dr. Hall is a licensed psychologist that specializes in infertility counseling, miscarriage and third-party reproduction issues.

I have read a lot of books about living and dealing with infertility, but having a group discussion led by a psychologist was very different and really worthwhile.  She touched on a lot of things that really hit home.  IF is a very isolating issue to have to deal with.  One of the many benefits of the support group as well as this meeting was knowing that what I am feeling and going through is 'normal' and that I am not crazy for feeling/saying/acting the way that I do.

Here are just some of the issues we discussed that are appropriate to share here:

• The stress level that comes with IF is huge.  It is truly a crisis.  It is similar to being diagnosed with a life ending disease.
• It is important to remember to continue to live life and be present in our marriage.  Find an activity with your spouse that you can get lost in and not discuss infertility.
• It's OK to put a bubble around us to protect ourselves.
• Take ownership of your own happiness.
• IF is a grieving process.
• We have to let go of the fairy tale of how it should have been.

We talked a lot about marriage and the struggles our relationships are put through when dealing with IF.  Ryan was out of town for this meeting, but I took some notes and we will try some of the communication techniques that she described.  My hope is that by trying some of these things it will help ease some of the pain that IF brings to our marriage.

If anyone is looking for therapy in San Diego, Dr. Hall was very professional and very experienced in this area.  Here is her info http://www.infertilitycounselingandsupport.com/san-diego-infertility-counseling.htm

Thanks for Reading,

HEATHER

Shrine to Fertility

     Over the years we have received various good luck charms from family and friends.  Today I decided to put them all together and create a shrine to fertility.  Hopefully putting all of that love and energy in a spot where I can see it, will really help me feel the support that I desperately need.  At this point in our journey, it is so very important to stay positive which is something I really have a hard time with.  Thanks to all that have added to our shrine.

     My brother gave me this wooden stretch Saint bracelet as a good luck charm.  He isn't Catholic, but he is religious.  He has one too that he wears. I was wearing it the day we found out that we had two normal embryos which is the first time I have ever gotten good news from the doctor.  I had a friend that was also going to get a phone call from her doctor and I kept it on until the phone rang for her.  She received good news too!  The power of the bracelet.

     My friend who is Catholic, gave me this St. Gerard laminated prayer card.  St. Gerard is the patron saint of expectant mothers.  I used to keep it in my car so that I looked at it every day, but now it is on the mantle.  The St. Gerard prayer is written on the back and reads :  O good Saint Gerard, powerful intercessor before God and Wonderworker of our day, I call upon thee and seek thy aid. Thou who on earth didst always fulfill God’s designs, help me to do the holy Will of God. Beseech the Master of Life, from Whom all paternity proceedeth, to render me fruitful in offspring, that I may raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the Kingdom of His Glory in the world to come. Amen.


     My Aunt gave me an amazing gift.  She gave me a special pouch with some very special items inside.  My Aunt is very spiritual and spends a lot of time with Native American friends and loves the spirituality the culture provides.  She was very close to a woman named Phyllis Big Left Hand.  Phyllis was Southern  Cheyenne.  I met her a few times.  Once Phyllis blessed me at a Pow Wow in Los Angeles years ago.   She was raised by a medicine man in the traditional ways of their culture so she was the real deal.  The leather that the pouch is made of is buckskin.  It was gifted to my Aunt during a healing ceremony on the Pima Reservation in Arizona.  Inside the pouch is all spirit sage, tobacco, cedar and lavender.  The all spirit sage, tobacco, cedar were also gifts from Phyllis.  They were meant for my Aunt to inspire her to learn the old ways and songs.  The stone my Aunt found at a crystal shop when she was looking for something for me.  She said the stone placed itself in her hand.  The stone is the shape of an embryo which is what drew her to it.  My Grandmother contributed by added some lavender to the pouch.  Not only does lavender smell great but it is also my favorite color.  In the Native American culture the turtle is the oldest symbol for Mother Earth and often a sign of fertility for many tribes.  Other Native American tribes see Turtle as a symbol of persistence and endurance.  The beadwork along the edge of the pouch is symbol of a Cherokee medicine wheel.  Then my Aunt said she blessed it off before she gave it to me.

     Lastly, my Grandmother gave me a candle for Christmas.  She saw that this candle had a picture of a baby on it and thought it would help to bring me good luck.  Technically it's a picture of a statue known as Divine Child Jesus.  But hey, if she thought of us when she saw it and thinks that it will bring us good luck, I'll take it!  At this point I will take all the luck and good thoughts anyone wants to send our way.  Ryan and I lit this candle the night before our transfer and said a baby dust prayer.(shown in a previous post called Egg Retrieval).  

Thanks for all the love and support!  The mantel looks lovely.  Here's hoping some baby dust is coming our way! Please still keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  It means so much to us and we really appreciate.

Thanks for reading,

HEATHER

Aerial Yoga

As I mentioned in my Next Steps post, I am back on track and going to yoga again.  I really missed my practice and I am beyond excited to be back.  My RE in Los Angeles suggested that I start doing yoga on a regular basis to help with blood flow as well as all the stress I was dealing with.  Sadly during my stims I had to cancel my membership.  With my bloated stomach full of bruising and my headaches, aerial was out of the question.  Now I am back to normal and back regularly practicing at Trilogy.  I have about 2 months before my FET so my focus in on mind, body and soul and yoga touches on all three things for me.

After I quit my job and moved to San Diego I discovered Trilogy Sanctuary and aerial yoga.  Trilogy is a rooftop studio and the views are amazing.  It is literally the most amazing yoga I have ever done.  I have been practicing there since September.  I do aerial yoga but they also have some amazing restorative classes.  I love the balance between the two classes.  There is a Balance and Restore class as well as Yinki and I take both.  Just walking in there, I feel the stress of all this just melting away.  It is short lived, but I will take any relief I can get.

chandelier pose

  I absolutely love this photo.  This pose is called shoulder stand.  When I first started I couldn't do this pose.  My teacher stood behind me and helped me get into the fabric.  I also would have my feet locked in to be able to balance.  Today I am able to do the pose and free my feet.  It is an amazing feeling especially when I live in a world without progress and without being able to reach certain goals, it helps to remind me that I AM able to conquer and attain.  Hoping that this feeling of growth and achievement helps take away all the hopelessness that I have felt for so long.

This is my beautiful teacher Olivia.  She is absolutely amazing and so supportive.  I love having her as a guide in this part of my journey.  Anyone in San Diego, come on down and join me in a class.

Thank you for reading,
HEATHER

How to Treat Someone with Infertility

This article has been taken from the RESOLVE website.  I am posting this because tomorrow is the hardest day of the year for myself and all my friends that are struggling with infertility.  While I still want to celebrate my own Mother and all she has done for me, it is very hard to see all the Mother's Day cards and commercials and emails that are all around us. I will not be logging on the email, FB or even using my phone tomorrow.  Luckily my Mother is very understanding and does what she can to make the holiday less painful.  Last year, we celebrated the weekend before and this Mother's Day we are staying inside and having a brunch at her house.  I really appreciate the effort that my family gives to help me make it through the day and love them very much for it.  

Not only do I have an awesome family that is so wonderful, I also have great friends.  I met a friend for lunch today who gave me these beautiful flowers to celebrate getting through my final round of IVF stim drugs.  She also paid for my lunch.  I really needed that today and it was a very nice surprise.  

This is for those that know someone struggling with infertility and don't know how to handle it.  Love to all the people out there and good luck getting through the next 24 hours.

Infertility Etiquette

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

• They will eventually conceive a baby.
• They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
• They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is a method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lessen the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

Cycle Day 14

Today's symptoms: headache is gone finally, huge gross bloated stomach is even bigger, tired due to lack of sleep, emotional and weight gain has lowered to +7lbs.

Today is the day before the ER and I feel like it is the calm before the anxiety storm.  At this point I have done so much but starting tomorrow it will be all out of my hands.  I will be glued by the phone waiting for daily updates.  It will last 6 - 7 until we get our final numbers.

Yesterday my E was 2900.  This means by the time of my ER I will again be 4000+.  That makes the day of and day after critical to how quickly I recover from all this.  Here is my prep for the ER.

Today

• Remove nail polish.
• Take a shower tonight.  Wash hair and dry natural, no products (not the best look for me).
• Wash whole body and face with antibacterial soap, no lotions or products afterwards.
• Eats lots and lots of watermelon from 10pm - 11pm.
• Take a stool softener.
• No eating or drinking after midnight.

Tomorrow:

• Take a shower and wash with antibacterial soap.
• Check in for ER at 8:30am.
• Take my antibiotic.
• Procedure starts at 9:30am.
• Eat salty food.
• Drink coconut water.
• If I need it I have tylenol with codeine.  I didn't take anything last time because I knew I was going to be doing back to back cycles and I didn't want anything to delay the process.  This time I have a month or two before the transfer so it is ok to take something if needed.

Kite ceiling tile from the exam room

At our last check we still had 16 follicles.  The picture to the right is the ceiling tile in the exam room.  We are keeping our fingers crossed that they can retrieve all 16 and that each has an egg.  It is not uncommon for the doctor to not get all the follicles, but usually you get 90% or more of your count going in.  It is also not uncommon to not have an egg in each follicle.  I'll post updates as soon as I can,  Thanks for all the love and support during our stims.  

Thanks for reading,

HEATHER

Cycle Day 12

This is Heather's husband Ryan. Heather asked me to write today's blog entry and discuss the male perspective on infertility. I thought it would be helpful to talk about the clinical and social aspects of dealing with this condition.

Me reading our follicle count

As you know from reading Heather's blog, we are diagnosed with both unexplained infertility however while we are cycling most of the attention is focused on Heather. I do get to take large quantities of vitamins (a photo of which appeared on an earlier post) but like most things fertility related, what I ingest is relatively small compared with what Heather has. My responsibilities going through an IVF cycle typically consist of administering the shots and providing as much support to Heather as I can. Going through an IVF cycle can be very frustrating as a male. As you know from reading Heather's post, the shots and side effects of the medication can be very painful and it is tough watching her go through it. If I could take the shots for her I would but sadly I do not believe it would be as effective. At this stage of the cycle her discomfort and emotions are all running to the max and I am doing my best to be as emotionally supportive as I can (I still manage to occasionally frustrate her at times though :). To provide support, I try to keep as calm an exterior as I possibly can, however on the inside I feel extremely angry and frustrated. Like others in our situation I am just mad that we have to go through this.

Socially, dealing with infertility on the male side is very isolating. My friends do not really understand the issues that we are facing and it is tough to constantly address why we do not have kids. To further complicate the issue we are at the age where all of our friends are having/had kids and it is hard to see them all moving on while we are still stuck going through this. At times it is all very overwhelming to deal with infertility, provide as much support to Heather as I can, as well as dealing with stress at work. Fortunately for me, I told my boss and he is understanding of me leaving work to go to our numerous appointments. We have met many people going through this journey who do not have the support from their superiors at work and I don't know how they manage. Sometimes the stress from everything: job, family, infertility is just so much I can feel myself shutting down. As a coping mechanism I have generally withdrawn from my social circles which is fairly common according to many other men I have talked with who are also dealing with infertility. I know the isolation is not healthy and I am trying to step back out into the world but it is hard, especially when you see everyone around you getting pregnant. Fortunately Heather runs a support group here in San Diego and there is a strong male presence at the meetings. It is tough for me to discuss my feelings in public but just knowing the other guys in the meeting can relate to what I am going through makes even the standard male conversations about work and sports very therapeutic. Also hearing them discuss their own issues reminds me I am not alone.

Hope this provides everyone with a small glimpse of the male side. To update everyone on our cycle: today was a good day for us though as the news from the doctor was very positive: we have 16 follicles and it looks like they are all progressing very well! There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am counting the days until our retrieval!

Thanks for reading,
Ryan

Cycle Day 8

Today's symptoms: headache is still there ugh!, slightly nauseous, bloated stomach, tired, emotional and the weight gain has started +4lbs.  

Yesterday was great.  I felt a million times better after acupuncture. After being sick for so many days in a row, it was so nice to be able to eat lunch again.  The worst symptom I have is a headache that just won't quit, but I always get a headache so it wasn't a shock. 

Last night we went to hear Meb Keflezighi speak.  He is the 2014 winner of the Boston Marathon.  He has written a book called Meb for Mortals.  His book is about setting goals and preparation and hard work.  He was a great speaker, very funny and has an amazing story to tell.  The hard part was hearing that if you set goals and do everything you can, thats how you can make your goals become reality.  And yes, I understand that he meant physical goals but all I kept thinking was that I have done literally all that I can do.  Where is my payoff?  

The hard part over the next several days will be dealing with the emotions that are bubbling over the surface.  While the drugs do make me a bit crazy and heighten all the emotions, the emotions are there and would be there, with or without drugs.  It's really hard being stuck in this situation and feeling that I am doing all that I can and I am not getting results that I want from all this effort.  Then you turn on the tv and watch the news and it is filled with all these horrible stories with horrible people and they all have kids.  It's so unfair.  It feels so unfair.  We all say that it is unfair, but that doesn't change the situation.  Children are everywhere and all I can think is 'why not me?', 'why not us'?  And to add salt to the wound, Mother's Day is coming up and it is a stab to the heart reminder that I'm not one.  I keep getting emails about Mother's Day brunch and hurry and buy Mother's day gifts.  The advertisers just won't quit.  So yesterday I cried about 5 or 6 times over various things.  
Having a great support systems is really helpful during times like this.  I have friends I've met online, my support group here, my acupuncturist, my friends outside of the infertility community, my dog, my family and most of all my husband.  It takes all these shoulders for me to lean on to get through the next week or two.

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

Coming Out of the Infertility Closet

Ryan and I have been TTC since 2011 and were officially diagnosed with unexplained infertility in January 2012.  We kept this fact a secret for a very very very long time.  After being asked for what felt like the millionth time by the millionth person 'when are you guys going to start  a family, you have been married 3 years already?' we finally let our families and a very select few close friends in on what was going on.  Even though a handful of people knew what we were going through, I still felt very alone in my pain.

Then I started obsessively reading about infertility.  Luckily there is a large amount available at the library.  I would guess that I read close to 100 books on the subject and something like 500 articles.  When I say I was obsessed, I was obsessed.  It was at this point that I started to feel a little more normal about the situation.  When you suffer alone, it takes a tole.  Reading that others felt the same way I was feeling, was a huge help in keeping my sanity.  I have listed some of my favorite books below.

The next step was to join a support group.  That was in February 2014.  I went to the first few meetings alone and then Ryan started to join in as well.  This was a huge turning point in my infertility journey.  To meet others and to be able to talk about what its like living with this disease, was a huge life saver.  Shortly after that, I took over running the meeting and was happy to do it.  I still run the meeting now.  I wish everyday that I would have meet these wonderful people in a different way, but I am so grateful to have them in my life.  It has become such an amazing support system that I can't believe it took me two years to get here.  I want to shake my naive former self and say 'Get your butt to a meeting now!  It will save you so many unnecessary miserable days of feeling alone".

I got to the point where I could not spend any more energy keeping this secret.  It is what it is.  It sucks and I hate it, but it isn't something to be ashamed of.  So much of my time is spent dealing with this disease I can't spend one more moment trying to hide it.  I used the National Infertility Awareness Week as my time to come out of the infertility closet.  I sent an email to some people and publicly posted about it on facebook which I had never done before.  As soon as I did, I literally felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.  It was therapeutic and wonderful and I don't regret it at all.  There was a lot of apprehension because over the years I have been told several thing that were hurtful.  Not one of which was intentional, but hurt nonetheless.  I was showered  with support from friends and it was amazing.

As I write this blog, I hope that others get the courage to stop hiding.  It is so isolating at a time where support is so important.  And if your friends really aren't that supportive then maybe they aren't really your friends.   Good luck!


Books I recommend:

Infertility Survival Handbook 

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Elizabeth Swire Falker

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-infertility-survival-handbook-elizabeth-swire-falker

This book really tells it like it is.  I felt very scared going into my first IVF and this really is a handbook for what to expect.

What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting 

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Marc Sedaka, 

Gregory Rosen 

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-he-can-expect-when-shes-not-expecting-marc-sedaka

This is a great quick read.  It talks more from the emotional side.

Is Your Body Baby-Friendly? 

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Alan E. Beer

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/is-your-body-baby-friendly-alan-e-beer
A real eye-opener.  This book was my first glimpse into all the other aspects of what could cause infertility aside from eggs and sperm.

This blog has been posted to RESOLVE under the blogger campaign for NIAW called 'You Are Not Alone'.

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER