Closure

What a funny title, closure.  Does anyone truly get closure after some life altering blow like this?  Does anyone ever move on from it?  Will I ever move on?  I doubt it.  I will always have this journey as part of my story and my family's story.  This is now embedded in the fabric of who we are and what we have become.  We are now officially a family of 3.  Even as I type this is still doesn't feel totally real and final, even though it is.  I guess the fog hasn't truly lifted.  May was spent in a daze, in true disbelief.  June was spent grieving.  Lots and lots of tears.  July was spent angry.
Now it is August 1st and I'm drawn back to the keyboard trying to find a way to deal with all the feelings.  All I know is that I am tired of feeling sad and angry all the time.  So I am calling August my month of gratitude. Years ago I was so defeated that I never even thought I would have a baby.  Then during my pregnancy, the horrible shock of having to say goodbye to one baby and faced with the threat of losing the other, I prayed every day that I would someday get to hold him in my arms and see his smiling face.  Well here I sit and I am blessed with love and laughter every day and at least for August I am going to try and focus on that.  While I will never get over losing our other baby, I am tasking myself with finding a way to mother the best that I can and find a way to bring that baggage along for the ride that isn't detrimental to either of us.  After all we did name him Duncan because it means fighter and boy did he fight to join us Earth side and be a part of our lives.  So now I fight to show him that we can cry sometimes, but that we can also pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and find the good out there.  When I first started writing this blog it was for myself, I needed to find a way to express how I was feeling.  Then I decided to write it for others that didn't have their voice yet.  So many folks battling infertility fight it alone.  But, now I write it for him.  I want him to know his story and how much I loved him for years before we ever met.  My goal is to get this printed and bound for him.  And just like with our journey, we needed an end point, a time to say we did our best and did all we could, this blog also needs an endpoint.  This is just one of the ways I can hope to find that magical mysterious thing called closure.  So I'll end this in gratitude to my dear son.

Duncan, 
You are the stars and the moon and the sun and all that is amazing in my world.  I am beyond lucky and grateful to finally be able to hold the title of your mother.  I hope one day that you will read this and just know how hard your father and I fought for you.  Know that we did all we could.  I am so sorry that you entered this world without your twin.  I am so devastated for you that your start was with loss.  I am heartbroken for how your story began.  We all know how strong you are and I hope that through out your life you can call on that strength whenever you need it. You are that fighter that we prayed for.  Fight every day for happiness and to see the good in this world.   I love you more than words can express.
Love,
Mom

FET recap

Yesterday was transfer day.  All went well.  Here are the details of the day.
We woke up and had breakfast in the hotel.  Them I went upstairs to the clinic for my blood draw.  I had 3 nurses attend based on what happened last time.  I'm happy to report that it only took one poke and in the forearm.  I was in and out in 10 min.  That was a huge relief.
We then continued our photo taking quest from the day before.  We visited Thomas Bata University, the college where our donor attended.  We found a very small book store that sold shirts and sweatshirts, but none in Duncan's size.  They did however sell a beach ball so we were able to purchase something. We then walked to a farmers market that we had found the last time we were here and took pictures there as well.  Duncan was happy to find a guy selling popcorn.  Lastly we walked over to the oldest house in town which we had also discovered the last time we were here.  The one thing we found this time, that we missed last time was the main square.  Obviously its very small.   We had walked on the street in front of it last time.  It had several shops,  cafes and coffee shops.  We wandered around there taking more pictures until it was time for my appointment.
Next up was our appointment with embryology and with Anna our coordinator. She is the English speaking contact we have and has been a huge help through the process both times.  I was so excited for Duncan to meet her.  Without exaggeration,  I bet I've exchanged at least 500 emails with her if not more.  She was our life line through all of this.  We brought her a gift as a thank you and it was so very sweet to have Duncan give it to her.  I asked if she would hold him so I could take a photo of them together and I got some really great ones.
We then got down to business.  OUR EMBRYOS SURVIVED THE THAW!!!! They both started hatching right before the time of transfer. 

I only have a dark and grainy photo.  I'm going to ask for a better one tomorrow and see if they took any other pictures.  But who cares, our little embryos awoke and started growing and that's the first huge step.  I also got my progesterone numbers back and they were 131.  No need to change any medication so just going to stay on our current protocol until I go for more blood work.
After our meeting, Duncan and Ryan had to go.  They wouldn't be allowed in for transfer and it was lunchtime anyways so they headed off. Anna gave Duncan a big kiss on the cheek and he said goodbye. I hugged and kissed both my guys and they left in search of a park and lunch.
They don't offer acupuncture here so I was unable to get treatment before or after transfer which is what I would do back home.  At the wellness center they did offer a head and shoulder massage.  I thought that would be a good idea before the transfer.  That was a big mistake.  There was nothing wrong with the massage, but I was just a ball of nerves and it made it so very hard to lay still.  It was almost torture more than relaxing.  Finally it was over and I could move around.

I went back to the room to get ready for transfer.  They ask that you wear just a shirt and then your robe and slippers.  I put on my dream big socks and headed to transfer.

They have a waiting room you sit in before transfer that is a room with a few beds.  I waited in that room for about 45 minutes.  There was one lady before me.  It was nice to have some extra time alone.  I sat down and listened to a few short guided meditations.  Then I did a bunch of squats and sit ups and then some yoga poses and finally some stretching.  This all really helped calm me down.

Finally it was my turn.  They escorted me into the operating room.  There were two nurses.  One doing the work and another one to translate what was going on in English.  Then the doctor came in and we went over what was going to happen.   Confirmed that we were transfering two and using Embryoglue.  Then the embryologist cane in and introduced herself.  That's when she informed me that they both had started to hatch and said she would show me on the monitor.  She left and went into the lab and shortly after, on the monitor were these two gorgeous embryos.  It brought tears to my eyes to see them.  I then laid back, feet up and the transfer began.  The only thing different this time from all the other times is the embryologist participated in transferring the embryos. The doctor set everything up and then she came back with the pipette containing our embryos.  She was the one to actual place them.  Then she left to confirm they were both gone and the pipette was empty, which it was.  She then said good luck, squeezed my hand and left.  The doctor also wished me well and left. Then the two nurses wheeled my gurney back into my room.  There was a small mishap where they took a corner too close and knocked a chunk of drywall off.  Both Ryan and Duncan think this is hilarious and laugh every time they pass it.  They then transferred me to my bed and instructed me to lay still for an hour.  It's a lot easier to do that in your own bed than in the uncomfortable bed with stirrups that usually happens.  So I laid back and watched the latest Kevin Hart standup.  It was the perfect mindless activity.  Shortly after I took a nap.  I laid in bed the rest of the afternoon and evening as I have now entered the bed rest position of all this.  The boys shared a burger for dinner and I again indulged in peanuts and a granola bar.  We all went to bed shortly after.  Now just hoping and praying for a successful implantation.  Stick babies stick!

Day 10 - FET Day

Today is the big day!  It's 4am here now and of course I can't sleep.  So much going on.
In a few short hours (around 10pm California time) the embryologist will wake our embryos from their deep sleep from the last 3 years.  Hopefully they had a great nap and are ready to go to work.  That's the first big obstacle,  surviving the thaw. 
Then at 11am our time (2am California time) we meet with the embryologist to find out their status.  We had 2 perfectly graded embryos going into the freeze and hopefully that's what we get out.
Then at 1pm our time (5am California time) I head into the operating room and transfer those embabies and welcome them home.  Then it's 1 hour in recovery trying to stay perfectly still and then after that it's the waiting game.
So today is the day.  Pray that our little ones find comfort and want to stick around for about the next 39 or so weeks.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Day 6 - Krems an der Donau -> Cesky Krumlov

So the pills are starting to really hit my system and some side effects are kicking in now like nausea and light headedness,  but that's really all about the quantity that I'm taking more than anything.  My wrist is still really sore which is just making me really anxious knowing that I have to do another blood test in a few days.  Stomach is still sore.  And now I have the added fun of progesterone suppositories.  They give you cramps so that's fun.  Overall though I'm not getting any migraines and I'm very thankful for that.  That's usually the response my body takes to these meds so I'm really happy not to have to deal with that.
The vacation portion of the trip is going well.  Duncan hasn't slept through the night yet, but it's getting better every day.
Today we awoke in Krems and had breakfast at our hotel.  They had a gluten free roll and I was so happy to have it.  After breakfast we made out way to another winery.  Again it was appointment only so we had the whole place to ourselves.   They asked if we wanted to taste inside or outside and we chose outside so Duncan could play.  He brought his toy excavator and there was a small pile of dirt in the back area so that was enough to keep him entertained for the hour we were there.  We did the 12 wine tasting for €15, emptying most of it out because I don't like to drink before a transfer and because Ryan was driving.  It was still a lot of fun though tasting all these different wines. About half I had never had before. It was very special and high up on cool winery moments we have had. 
After that we drove through small town after small town.  They all follow the Danube and the views are gorgeous.  We eventually made our way to Melk to visit the famous Melk Abbey.  We toured as much as we could without going on the official tour because that would have been torture for Duncan.  So he just ran around and we saw what we could.  The boys had pizza for lunch and I had a well balanced lunch of an apple, peanuts and a granola bar from our car stash.  We then headed to the castle Scholls Schallaburg.  As soon as we entered the parking lot, Dyncan fell asleep.  We thought about going in, but decided to pass, let him nap and get to our next city sooner.
Our next stop was Cesky Krumlov.  We reached it about 5pm.  Here we rented a 2 bedroom apartment through Airbnb, which I had never used before.  We picked it because it had a washer and dryer and we would be able to do laundry halfway through the trip so we wouldn't have to pack as much.  Since Duncan uses me as a human napkin, it's nice to have a set of clean clothes again.  We played it mellow tonight.  I had researched and found an actual vegetarian restaurant in town.  Ryan agreed to get food to go and bring it back.  The restaurant owner bought Ryan a beer while he was waiting for his food so that put a big old smile on his face.  We did laundry, ate dinner, took long hot baths and played with kinetic sand until we all went to bed.  It was nice to take a break and just relax for a night.  Plus we have a full schedule tomorrow so enjoyed some relaxing time.

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

BFP

It is with great excitement and a lot of trepidation that we announce that our beta test came in and it was positive, I'm pregnant. (maybe it was the good luck egg!)  It is still very early so its really soon to start actually celebrating, but when I started this blog, the goal was to be open and honest about my journey so that others wouldn't feel alone and those not directly involved could get a glimpse into the life of a couple on this journey.

Out of respect for my friends that are still on their journeys, I will end my blog here and continue on a new blog to keep everything separate.  It is extremely painful to read anything about anyone being pregnant when you aren't and every aching fiber in your being wants to be.  I wish all my fellow fertility challenged friends the very best of luck and hope to see you soon on the other side of it.

If you would like to follow the next part of this journey, my new blog is called The Pregnant Infertile and you can find it here: thepregnantinfertile.blogspot.com

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER

Brno

Today starts my official bed rest period. We decided to do our bed rest in Brno. We are flying out of the Vienna airport and Brno is in between Zlin and Vienna. While we would have loved to go back to Vienna, our hotel is much less expensive here. We actually have a suite with an office, a living room and two bathrooms which is not a bad way to do bed rest.

I went down for breakfast earlier and that's all I plan on doing today. Ryan ventured out to explore a bit of what Brno has to offer.

Through this whole process, I find it very difficult to hear when people say that I am brave or that we are brave. I don't feel like I am at all. I still break down and cry often and find it to be a very difficult journey but I don't feel like I have a choice. Quitting just isn't an option. So I plow along, going through the motions and doing what I have to do with several freak outs and tears along the way.  I brought this book to read while on bed rest to give me some inspiration of actual strong women.

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

Transfer Day

Today started as predicted. Ryan and I handle stress very differently. He sleeps a lot and I don't sleep at all. So I've been up since about 3 am. The IF PTSD is a tough thing to shake. Everytime I gear up to do this again, all my brain thinks of is the last failure and keeps replaying that in my head. I am trying very hard to push those thoughts away.
I figured since I was up I would start my morning medication routine. I starts with my thyroid pill that I can only take on an empty stomach.  Then I wait an hour, then I ate something in order to take all my pills that I have to take with food.
Next up is getting ready for the transfer. We needed to bring our meds, our clothing for the transfer, our paperwork, my meditation tapes from Jeneanne for post transfer and my good luck stone, egg and St. Gerard card and last but not least, a crazy pair of transfer socks.

Next stop, back to the Tomosov for bloodwork. That went fine, except when I left I ran into the wife of the husband that was mentioned earlier that wore underwear and slippers and she too was wearing her pajamas and slippers. I didn't have my phone handy so I couldn't snap a photo of that.

Next up, downstairs for a hearty breakfast. They make some really awesome fresh smoothies here. I ordered the pineapple and mint.

Next we explored Zlin because we had about two hours to kill. We walked around the very small city center. There was a farmers market and several little shops. We found the University where our donor came from. For a brief moment I looked around to see if anyone fit her description but quickly got over it.

We then made the trek back up the hill for our embryologist appointment and to meet with our transfer doctor. That was the most nervous I have been the whole time. Luckily we recieved good news. We had a total of 4 embryos to work with. We decided to transfer two and freeze two. Hopefully the two frozen will be for a sibling, but if this doesn't work at least we have another chance.

Next up, transfer time. We checked in and were escorted back to our recovery room

. I changed into a lovely skirt/gown and my new hopefully lucky socks.

 Ryan carried all of our lucky charms in his pocket and we waited for our final instructions. Next came in Anna, my coordinator who went over all of results and protocols. She gave us my blood test results and ryan sperm test results, all in English for our files and our doctor back home. We also ordered all of our final medications. The best news was that my progesterone levels were high enough that I didn't need to supplement with PIO!!!!! One less shot so I'm happy.

We transfered the two embryos and then they wheeled us back to our recovery bed. We had the 4 bed room to ourselves. I put on an eye mask and put on the meditation tapes. I ended up falling asleep and ryan read a book on his nook. We stayed there about an hour and a half. Then I slowly got up and we headed to the lobby to meet our driver to our next hotel in Brno which is about an hour away. As soon as we checked in to our room, I put on my pj's and bed rest officially begins.  And now the 2WW....

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

Clinic Day 2

Today was Ryan's day. We went back to the clinic. We had to check in between 8 and 9 am. Calling the cab proved again to be difficult because our phone did not want to cooperate even though we used it the night before without problems. But we have someone in the restaurant call for us and the cab was there about 20 min later.

We arrived with plenty of time to spare. We filled out some paprework and took a seat. Now being IVF vets and doing this and living through all this, I really thought I had seen and heard it all. Well....... today was a first. A man walked into the sperm collection area wearing slippers and boxers.

 What the heck man! Dude! Ryan and I didn't know where to look. At least it gave us something to laugh about at least.

Now I sit in the train station anxiously awaiting the report from the clinic about how the ER went.  We are somewhere just outside of Zlin.

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

Donor Update part II

Here is the update from the clinic:

The size of these 10 follicles is optimal around 16 mm. There are 5 follicles, which are smaller, so it is hard to say, if there will be mature eggs. Maybe the number of retrieved eggs will be higher than 10, we will see on Thursday.

Our room at Penzion Uno

I started my lovenox shot tonight and my steroids in anticipation of the intralipid infusion in the morning. Then after that I meet the doctor and do and ultrasound and blood work.

Today was fun but exhausting. We hired a guide to drive us from Budapest to Zlin and to stop at towns a long the way. We were in three different countries in one day. As an American, that just amazes me

We made it to Zlin at about 6pm. We quickly checked into our room and headed downstairs for dinner. Happily, a couple sitting next to us introduced themselves and we struck up a conversation. They are cycling here too from the States. They had already been to the clinic a few times so filled us in on how everything works.  Hopefully with all the anxiety, I will be able to get some sleep because I am so tired. Below is a picture of our room.

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

Budapest part II

We had a lovely day in Budapest. We hired a guide to show us around the city. We enjoyed the sites and it was nice to take our minds off of things for a bit.

At one point she showed us these pretty painted eggs called good luck eggs.  She said they were leftover from Easter. She then told us a fable of when men would go around on Easter Eve and visit the women in the village 'watering' them with his seed. The women would repay this favor by giving them these chocolate eggs.  So now they have painted eggs called good luck eggs that are also good luck for fertility.

I ran out and bought one as soon as I could.  I hope our good luck egg works :)

Thanks for reading,
HEATHER

A New Year, A New Plan

Since our last failed cycle, after we managed to breathe again, Ryan and I spent countless hours researching and soul searching as to what to do next.  The only thing we know for sure is that our journey to have a family isn't over yet.  We decided to have consultations with about every clinic and every doctor and every agency that we came across to see what are options are.

After the last failed transfer all I know for sure is that I am done cycling myself.  I can't keep putting my body through that and I'm not sure I would survive the emotional side of another failed cycle again. IF is plain crappy for everyone going through it, but I always seem to cycle longer than most and have the absolute worst side effects.  Its not like I didn't try.  I literally did everything I could and then some and it still didn't work. 5 years has taken its toll and its time to move on.  We have spent the last few months speaking to, consulting with or emailing the following to figure out next steps:

• Our acupuncturist Jeneanne Paden, our naturopathic doctor Dr. Panda, our current RE Dr. Kettel at San Diego Fertility Center, our old clinic Reproductive Partners Medical group, Oregon Reproductive Medicine (one of the highest rated clinics in the country), Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (another highly successful clinic in the US), Dr. Chang at Hanabusa in San Diego, California Conceptions (we met with both the ED side and the embryo adoption group), AdoptHelp, IVF Zlin in the Czech Republic, HRC in Oceanside, Dr. Acacio in Newport Beach, The Donor Egg Bank, The Independent Adoption Center, West Coast Fertility Center, PVED, Adoption Network Law Center, Peas In A Pod, Genesis Group and A Perfect Match.

By taking my own genetic material off the table, we are left with donor egg, donor egg and donor sperm or adoption.  We have decided to move on to donor egg first.  We are switching clinics once again and here comes the surprising twist ..................  we are taking this thing international yo!  We are headed to the Czech Republic for our donor cycle (unless we change our minds again which is always a possibility).  The clinic is in a city called Zlin which is on the east side of CZ.  They are a highly recommended clinic in all of Europe and the cost is about 1/5 of the cost here which is still very expensive but somewhat affordable for us.  We would be there for about 8 - 10 days. We are in the midst of matching us with a donor right now and looking at a April transfer date.  While I don't know anyone personally, I have met several other couples from the US that are cycling there through a fertility board called Czech Mates.  I do have a clinic here that I'm working with on all the before and after stuff.  For right now we are working on the abundance of paperwork that is required to move forward.

Thanks for Reading,

HEATHER