I'm PUPO

It's an infertility term.  It means Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.  It's a weird state of limbo to be in.  Technically if I am pregnant, I would be 6 days pregnant because we transferred 5 day old embryos.  6 days pregnant doesn't mean really anything to my body, however the mind is a power thing.  Every breath almost makes me wonder if I'm pregnant.  Plus a few of the medications I'm on have similar pregnancy side effects.  And on top of that I have some slight cramping, but that's probably just due to the progesterone and the FET procedure itself.  It's still a funny spot to be in though.  Just constantly wondering.  Dealing and living through this so many times, it still never gets any easier.  The wait is always the hardest.
So what to do to pass the time?  Number one this to do is pray.  My Aunt wrote me a prayer and I've read that a few times.  I've also prayed on my own.  Now more than ever is a timenfor faith.
The next thing I do is talk to my babies.  I place my hand below my navel and welcome them home.  Promise to keep them healthy and well fed.  Promise to love them and grow a beautiful home for them.  Aside from that, there are lots of superstitions and good luck charms surrounding the infamous waiting period.  If anything,  it just makes me feel like I'm doing something and somewhat participating in the process.  I eat Brazil nuts daily.  Brazil nuts contain selenium, which is a mineral that helps to thicken the uterine wall, and a healthy lining aids in implantation.  I take selenium pills, but add eating brazil nuts after transfer.  I also eat pineapple.  Pineapple contains bromelain which has anti inflammatory properties that has a natural anti-inflammatory effect.  I eat warm things and drink tea and lay on my back or left side to increase circulation to the uterus and try and sit as little as possible.

Lastly I have some lucky charms.  First off, on our last trip I found a beautiful egg ornament in Hungary that came with a beautiful story about fertility.  It spoke to us immediately and we bought it and carried it with us everywhere,  continued taking it to every prenatal appointment and took Duncans newborn photos with it.  This whole trip I was looking for something to bring us luck and nothing spoke to me.  The day before our transfering, I was putting something in the diaper bag and found a small bag containing a necklace from Ryan's grandmother who recently passed away.  We were at her home recently and Ryan's mother let me choose what I wanted and I choose that.  I thought I had put it with the stemware I also brought back, but it was sealed away in a special pocket in the backpack.  As soon as I found it, Ryan said, "maybe that's our good luck charm".  Heck ya it is!  His grandmother was always so supportive and special and would send us these beautiful cards during all our previous cycles.  This is for sure her looking over us.  She is our guardian angel.  I put the necklace on and wore it to the transfer.  Duncan asked what it was and I told him it was Grandma Rita's and he said "I love you Grandma Rita".  And we do love her very much and feel so special to have her looking out for us.

Lastly I have another pair of lucky socks on.  Todays socks are lemurs.  Lemurs hold a special place in our hearts.  We have a memorial plaque for the baby we lost in front of the lemurs at the San Diego Zoo.  We chose lemurs for two reason.  Their name means angel and because they are vegetarians:)  I always say that Duncan has a very special angel looking out for him.  So when I saw the lemur socks I knew they would be perfect for implantation day.

Ryan and Duncan are enjoying a lovely afternoon in Prague and I'm relaxing in our room.

As always, Thanks for Reading!
HEATHER

x

Trying Again for a Sibling

So here we are, back at it again.  We have two embryos left from our previous cycle so we are moving forward to try for a sibling.  To catch you up, or for those that didn't follow our other blog that continued on from here once we became pregnant, on Dec 29th 2016 we welcomed our son into the world.  However, our pregnancy, wasn't the happy wonderful time in our lives that we had hoped for.  We found out we were pregnant with twins early on.  Then we were told we were about the miscarry one and possibly both and were put on immediate and strict bedrest.  Then we pulled through and held on to both babies.  Then at 12 weeks and 5 days, we found out that baby B had serious issues, his organs were all formed outside of his ribs. (I refer to him as a he, but we were never able to confirm gender)  This meant he wouldn't survive outside of my belly for much more than a few hours at best and they started talking to us about palliative care. We were then told that he was 'breathing' toxins into the amniotic fluid and that with each breath, he was causing harm to baby A.  We were faced with the horrible task of having to say goodbye too early.  But of course this also faced issues.  The procedure done had a high chance of effecting baby A as well, but by doing nothing, there posed an even higher risk of losing both babies.  So on June 25th, at 13 weeks and 1 day, we said good bye to Baby B and hoped and prayed that Baby A would survive.  Baby A did survive, but part of me didn't.  I will never ever forget that day, that procedure, that doctor, it is my forever nightmare. My entire 39 weeks of pregnancy, I was on bedrest or restricted activity for all but 5 weeks.  So to say the least, it was awful.  I will always have a hole in my heart and a little bit of my soul that feels incomplete.  I mourn my baby often.  There aren't a lot of words to explain the pain I feel.  I should have two babies,  my son should have his brother, but we don't and I've had to figure out a way to continue on for him.  It took a lot of therapy and a lot of tears and I still feel like it happened yesterday.
The last thing I want to do is live through another pregnancy, it was by far the worst time of my life.  And I thought trying to get pregnant was awful, but losing our baby was about as low as I have ever felt.  So why are we doing this again?????  Because I feel like I owe it to my son to at least try for a sibling.  I have a brother and I had so much fun growing up with him, and while only children are fine, I just would love my son to have a sibling.  Reason number 2 is that we already created these embryos.  They are just waiting for us and the opportunity at life.  They deserve a chance.

So like I started out this blog, here we are again.  Our last cycle was the only time I became pregnant in 6 1/2 years of treatments so we are going to duplicate that cycle.  That means that step 1 is a d&c in order to create a new and fresh uterine lining.  I will be put under anesthesia, but it will be a simple procedure. We will be doing that in January.  In the meantime I am going to put some focus on getting my body baby ready.  That means a trip to the naturopath and lots of trips to the gym as well on some mental health steps to wrap my head around gearing up for this.  Even though we will be a nervous wreck if it does work, we would love more than anything for it to work.  However, this is our one and only shot at it.  We will be transferring both embryos and so its a one and done situation, either it works or it doesn't.  So we are hoping and praying for it to work and to be able to give our son a sibling.  Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we embark on this journey because we will need all the support we can get.
Welcome to our journey of round 2!

Thanks for Reading,
HEATHER