We took a blood test on Wed and our HCG came back at 8. This is extremely low. It should have been above 20. We took another today and it came back at 2. This is officially classified as a non-viable, chemical pregnancy. I'm stopping all meds and this journey is officially over.
We are of course devastated by the news. Tears haven't even begun to be shed. It will take awhile to process, but when I started this blog and this journey, part of the reason was to be open and honest about how insane the roller coaster of emotions all of this can be. How unfair it all can be. How everything you do can be the right thing, follow all the protocols, the diets, the appointments, spend all the money and still have negative results. Infertility is a cruel unfair world and sadly we have seen all this before. I honestly tried my best and did all I could and still didn't get the results we wanted.
I am heartbroken for my son, who not only lost his twin, but now has lost any chance of having a sibling. I will hold him closer tonight and am truly thankful for the blessing that he is. As I am typing this, I'm thinking about what little chance we had to have him in the first place, how high risk our pregnancy was, how we had originally been told we were having a miscarriage, how we had a high chance of losing him when we lost his twin. I always feel blessed to be his mom, to finally be pregnant and then to finally hold this precious baby boy. We chose the name Duncan because it means warrior and boy did he fight to be with us. And now he is lucky enough to have two more guardian angels join in looking over him. I'm going to hold my little warrior just that much closer tonight and try and focus on what a blessing my guy is.
We will battle through this and come up for air eventually and figure out how to move on from something that has been a part of us for so long. Thanks for all the love, kindness and support all of you have given us.
Much Love,
HEATHER
Showing posts with label hcg. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hcg. Show all posts
Friday, April 19, 2019
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
FET Recap
Today was our FET, our long awaited, highly anticipated FET. We don't have the best news to share but we are trying very hard to stay hopeful and positive. One of our embryos had some complications and it isn't looking too good right now. We did still end up transferring both which I will explain in a minute and we still have high hopes for both of them.
I started off the day with a wonderful yoga practice at 7am. While I was at yoga I asked Ryan to run to the store and pick up some last minute items. I have been doing all kinds of research from women who got positive results and what they did on the day of their transfer and what they did during the 2WW. Of course it was all over the place and I really don't feel like eating one kiwi will actually be the deal maker but it really helps my mental health to continue to do all I can to make this miracle happen. So off to yoga I went and off to the store he went. When I came back home I was greeted with a really sweet card from him. I then took a bath since it would be a while before I can take a nice long hot one again and Ryan took Parker on a walk, then off we went.
We went to SDFC and checked in. There was a friendly face in the lobby, a friend's mother was keeping her company before her ER. She gave me a giant hug before I went in and it was very comforting. First stop was acupuncture. Ryan kept me company in the room. Then about 5 minutes in, I realized I forgot my awesome socks. Ryan ran back home to get them. Staying warm is one of the good luck, fingers crossed tricks to try. So I stayed and did my treatment sans socks for now, but rockin my awesome Motley Crue shirt. Oh and we listened to Without You on the way to the clinic. It was our song at our wedding and always puts a smile on our faces.
Next stop was the surgical center at SDFC. The FET was performed in the minor procedures room. I took my valium (they give you one to relax if you want one) and settled in to start to relax. Then the embryologist came in to deliver the news. We had two chromosomally normal embryos frozen in June. We had decided to implant both to increase our chances of a live birth.
About 2-3 years ago the technology of freezing embryos wasn't where it is today. Today there is very little chance of losing an embryo in the thaw, about 4% chance really. Well we have a way of always falling into those tiny minute crap odds. One of ours started to leak and collapse during the thaw. It was so unexpected. Of all the things that could go wrong, this didn't even register as a possibility. Ryan wasn't back yet and I just crumbled into the arms of the embryologist. As soon as Ryan walked in and saw me crying, I'm sure he knew. I went from her arms around me to his. We were both truly devastated. We collected ourselves and the doctor came in. We talked about what had happened and what the next steps would be, The good news is that our other embryo did great and was looking really good. The second embryo, while breaking down, still had a few cells in it and he recommended still transferring that one. I asked if we should still have hope and his answer was that the odds weren't 0 so we should remain hopeful. So with my fancy socks on we moved forward with the FET.
The whole FET procedure does not take very long at all. You fill out some paperwork, sign some legal consent forms and they go over the procedure and what your limitations are afterwards. There is a monitor connected to the lab and they flash on the screen our petri dish with our name on it and we confirm that it is ours. Then they insert the catheter. We had some HCG added to the embryo solution. That is a fairly newer trick they are trying to help with implantation. They whole procedure we can see on another ultrasound monitor to the side of me. They insert the embryos and take a picture and we have a photo of the exact second they come back to me. As soon as I saw them on the screen I closed my eyes and began to talk to them. I welcomed them home and promised I would take good care of them for the next 9 months and hoped that they would stay. When it was over you stay on the gurney for about 20 minutes. As soon as the doctors and nurses left. I put my hand on my belly to say hello and Ryan did too.
After the FET I went back to acupuncture for my follow up treatment. I then came home, ate some soup, only warm food for the next two weeks and practically melted onto the couch. Between all the stress of the day I was exhausted. Later, I watched comedies on Netflix. I had read that laughing is really good, both for your emotional self as well as it physically helps increase blood flow to your stomach muscles.
I started off the day with a wonderful yoga practice at 7am. While I was at yoga I asked Ryan to run to the store and pick up some last minute items. I have been doing all kinds of research from women who got positive results and what they did on the day of their transfer and what they did during the 2WW. Of course it was all over the place and I really don't feel like eating one kiwi will actually be the deal maker but it really helps my mental health to continue to do all I can to make this miracle happen. So off to yoga I went and off to the store he went. When I came back home I was greeted with a really sweet card from him. I then took a bath since it would be a while before I can take a nice long hot one again and Ryan took Parker on a walk, then off we went.
We went to SDFC and checked in. There was a friendly face in the lobby, a friend's mother was keeping her company before her ER. She gave me a giant hug before I went in and it was very comforting. First stop was acupuncture. Ryan kept me company in the room. Then about 5 minutes in, I realized I forgot my awesome socks. Ryan ran back home to get them. Staying warm is one of the good luck, fingers crossed tricks to try. So I stayed and did my treatment sans socks for now, but rockin my awesome Motley Crue shirt. Oh and we listened to Without You on the way to the clinic. It was our song at our wedding and always puts a smile on our faces. |
| This isn't a stock photo, this is our actual embryo. Our perfect and wonderful embryo. This is the one the survived the thaw strong and intact. |
 |
| This is our other embryo that needs some extra love and prayers. We have not given up and hope. This one fights just a little harder than it should have to. |
About 2-3 years ago the technology of freezing embryos wasn't where it is today. Today there is very little chance of losing an embryo in the thaw, about 4% chance really. Well we have a way of always falling into those tiny minute crap odds. One of ours started to leak and collapse during the thaw. It was so unexpected. Of all the things that could go wrong, this didn't even register as a possibility. Ryan wasn't back yet and I just crumbled into the arms of the embryologist. As soon as Ryan walked in and saw me crying, I'm sure he knew. I went from her arms around me to his. We were both truly devastated. We collected ourselves and the doctor came in. We talked about what had happened and what the next steps would be, The good news is that our other embryo did great and was looking really good. The second embryo, while breaking down, still had a few cells in it and he recommended still transferring that one. I asked if we should still have hope and his answer was that the odds weren't 0 so we should remain hopeful. So with my fancy socks on we moved forward with the FET.
 |
| The bright white line below the green arrow are our embryos. |
After the FET I went back to acupuncture for my follow up treatment. I then came home, ate some soup, only warm food for the next two weeks and practically melted onto the couch. Between all the stress of the day I was exhausted. Later, I watched comedies on Netflix. I had read that laughing is really good, both for your emotional self as well as it physically helps increase blood flow to your stomach muscles.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
The Calendar & The Protocols
We received our calendar and all of our protocols and everything else that comes along with an FET. Its exciting and nerve wracking, high anxiety, tons of fear and lots of hope and literally about every other emotion that goes along with it. We have consulted with our naturopathic doctors, our reproductive endocrinologist, our acupuncturist, our friends in our support group, our friends in our online support group and of course the internet. We decided on a protocol that we both feel comfortable with. We are literally doing everything we possibly can to help our embryos implant.
Our protocol includes; bcps, lupron, vivelle patches, prednisone, dexamethasone, lovenox, endometrin and antibiotics. For treatments and procedures we are doing the scratch (Ryan is out of town but luckily my Mom is available and she will go with me), intralipids and acupuncture. I have 4 blood tests along the way to make sure that all my hormone levels are where they should be and the last one is specifically to test my thyroid. At the transfer, along with the embryos we will inject hcg in the catheter. If I stay on track and all the blood tests and ultrasounds look good then our FET is tentatively scheduled for Sept 30th. And then all that's left to do is hope and pray that this works.
Here is my latest calendar (written out on my Chargers calendar). It is so much easier to have it all written out. With so many drugs it makes it much easier to keep track. Its also a great visual to know where the end goal is. Once I start the injections, I start crossing the days off and counting down how many needles I have left. It's little things like that that help me get through the craziness of fertility drugs. 31 injections until our FET. Our last IVF cycle we did over 80 shots so just writing 31 makes me feel so much better.
Thanks for reading,
Our protocol includes; bcps, lupron, vivelle patches, prednisone, dexamethasone, lovenox, endometrin and antibiotics. For treatments and procedures we are doing the scratch (Ryan is out of town but luckily my Mom is available and she will go with me), intralipids and acupuncture. I have 4 blood tests along the way to make sure that all my hormone levels are where they should be and the last one is specifically to test my thyroid. At the transfer, along with the embryos we will inject hcg in the catheter. If I stay on track and all the blood tests and ultrasounds look good then our FET is tentatively scheduled for Sept 30th. And then all that's left to do is hope and pray that this works.
Here is my latest calendar (written out on my Chargers calendar). It is so much easier to have it all written out. With so many drugs it makes it much easier to keep track. Its also a great visual to know where the end goal is. Once I start the injections, I start crossing the days off and counting down how many needles I have left. It's little things like that that help me get through the craziness of fertility drugs. 31 injections until our FET. Our last IVF cycle we did over 80 shots so just writing 31 makes me feel so much better.
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| August |
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| September |
Thanks for reading,
HEATHER
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