FET Recap

Today was our FET, our long awaited, highly anticipated FET.  We don't have the best news to share but we are trying very hard to stay hopeful and positive.  One of our embryos had some complications and it isn't looking too good right now.  We did still end up transferring both which I will explain in a minute and we still have high hopes for both of them.

I started off the day with a wonderful yoga practice at 7am.  While I was at yoga I asked Ryan to run to the store and pick up some last minute items.  I have been doing all kinds of research from women who got positive results and what they did on the day of their transfer and what they did during the 2WW.  Of course it was all over the place and I really don't feel like eating one kiwi will actually be the deal maker but it really helps my mental health to continue to do all I can to make this miracle happen.  So off to yoga I went and off to the store he went.  When I came back home I was greeted with a really sweet card from him.  I then took a bath since it would be a while before I can take a nice long hot one again and Ryan took Parker on a walk, then off we went.

We went to SDFC and checked in.  There was a friendly face in the lobby, a friend's mother was keeping her company before her ER.  She gave me a giant hug before I went in and it was very comforting.  First stop was acupuncture.  Ryan kept me company in the room.  Then about 5 minutes in, I realized I forgot my awesome socks.  Ryan ran back home to get them.  Staying warm is one of the good luck, fingers crossed tricks to try.  So I stayed and did my treatment sans socks for now, but rockin my awesome Motley Crue shirt.  Oh and we listened to Without You on the way to the clinic. It was our song at our wedding and always puts a smile on our faces.

This isn't a stock photo, this is our actual embryo.
Our perfect and wonderful embryo.
This is the one the survived the thaw strong and intact.

Next stop was the surgical center at SDFC.  The FET was performed in the minor procedures room.  I took my valium (they give you one to relax if you want one) and settled in to start to relax.  Then the embryologist came in to deliver the news.  We had two chromosomally normal embryos frozen in  June.  We had decided to implant both to increase our chances of a live birth.

This is our other embryo that needs some extra love and prayers.
We have not given up and hope.
This one fights just a little harder than it should have to.

About 2-3 years ago the technology of freezing embryos wasn't where it is today.  Today there is very little chance of losing an embryo in the thaw, about 4% chance really.  Well we have a way of always falling into those tiny minute crap odds.  One of ours started to leak and collapse during the thaw.  It was so unexpected.  Of all the things that could go wrong, this didn't even register as a possibility. Ryan wasn't back yet and I just crumbled into the arms of the embryologist.  As soon as Ryan walked in and saw me crying, I'm sure he knew.  I went from her arms around me to his.  We were both truly devastated.  We collected ourselves and the doctor came in.   We talked about what had happened and what the next steps would be,  The good news is that our other embryo did great and was looking really good.  The second embryo, while breaking down, still had a few cells in it and he recommended still transferring that one.  I asked if we should still have hope and his answer was that the odds weren't 0 so we should remain hopeful.  So with my fancy socks on we moved forward with the FET.

The bright white line below the green arrow are our embryos.

The whole FET procedure does not take very long at all.  You fill out some paperwork, sign some legal consent forms and they go over the procedure and what your limitations are afterwards.  There is a monitor connected to the lab and they flash on the screen our petri dish with our name on it and we confirm that it is ours.  Then they insert the catheter.  We had some HCG added to the embryo solution.  That is a fairly newer trick they are trying to help with implantation.  They whole procedure we can see on another ultrasound monitor to the side of me.  They insert the embryos and take a picture and we have a photo of the exact second they come back to me.  As soon as I saw them on the screen I closed my eyes and began to talk to them.  I welcomed them home and promised I would take good care of them for the next 9 months and hoped that they would stay.  When it was over you stay on the gurney for about 20 minutes.  As soon as the doctors and nurses left.  I put my hand on my belly to say hello and Ryan did too.

After the FET I went back to acupuncture for  my follow up treatment.  I then came home, ate some soup, only warm food for the next two weeks and practically melted onto the couch.  Between all the stress of the day I was exhausted.  Later, I watched comedies on Netflix.  I had read that laughing is really good, both for your emotional self as well as it physically helps increase blood flow to your stomach muscles.

Vacationing with Infertility

My husband Ryan and I went to Kauai on vacation for 8 wonderful days.  Ryan's Grandmother gifted us our hotel room and we had enough miles to fly there so it was even better since it was a no cost vacation.  We were both very excited to go.  The goal was to go there and de-stress and recharge our batteries in preparation for our upcoming FET.

The biggest mistake we made was thinking that we would also be able to take a vacation from infertility and that we would be able to leave our struggles behind.  What we failed to realize was that when we signed up for group tours (we went zip lining, rented atvs, went kayaking, rappelling and boating) that there would be a 'get to know you' introduction portion of the tour.  Inevitably they would ask where we were from and if we were married.  We were actually there celebrating our 5th anniversary.  Once we told people that we were married, the automatic next question was 'Do you have children'?  I answered, 'We have a dog that I treat like my child'.  Which if you actually know me, you know that is a very true statement.  

The first time someone asked me that question, I held it in for a minute, but then the next person to talk had just had a baby and everyone got all excited and was asking questions and the tears just started coming.  Luckily we were outside so I had sunglasses on and I am pretty sure that Ryan is the only one that knew I was crying.  He put his arm around me and I just stood there crying for a bit.  On another tour they asked everyone what they did for a living and when I said I didn't work, the tour guide assumed that I was a stay at home mom and went on and on about how my job was the most important and hardest in the world.  I was literally speechless and just stood there.  Again Ryan took my hand and we tried to just continue on.  Later that day I just broke down in our room and just couldn't believe that every day I had to exclaim to strangers that I was childless.  I just did not see that coming, it was very unexpected.

The first day of our vacation was the first day of meds for this cycle.  I'm starting off this FET cycle with Lupron for the first 10 days.  I had to bring all of our supplies on the plane with us.  I have a few friends that have had to travel with drugs before and asked them for tips and tricks.  Basically you need a travel letter from your doctor which is pretty standard.  Then we put everything into an insulated reusable lunch bag with some gel ice packs.  The only thing we didn't pack in the carry on was the sharps container.  We were told it was easier to pack it in the checked baggage and less hassle with TSA.  So we were all ready to go and in the security line.  Not thinking anything,  I turned to Ryan and said 'Are you going to carry the drugs or do you want me to?'.  Nothing actually happened, but I thought for sure we were going to get pulled into secondary.  They x-rayed our bag and then pulled it out for a quick inspection and then sent us on our way.  We had one single shot to do every day.  This will be out shot schedule for the whole cycle and we always do our shots at 9pm.  That way Ryan will for sure be home from work and we don't have to stress over it.  We had to calculate for the time change so we did the shot at 6pm Hawaii time.  It only interfered with a few  dinner plans and made us a few minutes late to watch the USC game, but other than that it was fine.

our tray table

The real adventure was doing the shot on the plane.  There was no way around that.  You have to do the shot within 60 min of the time you set every day.  That means we have between 8 - 10 pm.  Our flight was from 5 - 11pm.  We were a bit nervous to do it on the plane, even though I have several friends that have done it and told me it would be fine.  We were both just paranoid that there would be turbulence at the worst possible time.  When set out alarm and when it went off we pulled out everything at our seats and watched the back of the plane and waited until there was no one back there waiting to use the bathroom.  We went to the back and asked the flight attendants if we could do the shot back there by the jump seat and they said that was fine.  I had put an ice pack on my stomach back at our seat so I was ready to go.  Ryan prepped the shot.  The only issue with doing that on a plane is when he pulled the syringe out, some of the drugs sprayed a bit due to the pressure on the plane, but not a significant amount.  As we were doing the shot the flight attendant was nice enough to block off the aisle for us so we had a tiny bit of privacy.  All went well and the plane was super smooth, no turbulence at all.  The only problem was because we packed our sharps container, we didn't have anywhere to put the needle and there isn't a sharps container on the plane.  I had forgot that my friend told me to bring an empty water bottle and to put it in there until you can transfer it back to the sharps container later.  We just capped it and put it in my purse.  So we had to do yet another crappy thing like give a shot on the plane in now what feels like a very long infertility journey, but hey, we survived yet another crappy thing!

We still had an amazing vacation and lots of wonderful memories were made.  It was just very eye opening to both of us knowing and then realizing that we can never ever escape the pain and sorrow of infertility.  We can't go to an island and think we can escape it.  We can't leave our friends and family behind and think for one second that we won't have to answer any questions or that we can go one day without it being a front and center part of our lives. 

Thanks for reading,

HEATHER