4 Years by the Numbers

Recently I read an article with a picture of a baby surrounded by the number of shots it took to bring her into this world.  To read the article click here  It got me thinking about how many shots I have taken and what we have gone through.  Here are our numbers:

0  BFPs

1  amazingly strong husband that has been my rock through all of this

1  amazingly cute puppy dog that cuddles every time I need it

2  fresh transfers

2  FETs

3  IUIs

4  years TTC

5  IVFs

6  BFN phone calls

8  fertility doctors that have performed at least one procedure on me

11  embryos created and lost

19  different medication I have ingested or injected along the way

208  number of days spent in tears (approx once a week since this started)

550  approx number of daily shots from first IUI to the last IVF

1460  days of infertility treatments

$$$  amount of money spent on treatment (too scary to actually write down and publish)

BFN

We sadly report that our results were negative.  As I sit here and type this I can't believe these words are even hitting the page.  I am just numb.  I am shocked that after 4 years we are now at the end of our journey.  Our chances of having a biological child is over.  We may pursue other options, but for now we grieve.  We grieve the loss of our embryos.  This was number 10 and number 11.  11 tries, 11 souls gone, 11 lost chances of bringing life into this world.  How does one bounce back from this?

Bedrest

The first week of the 2WW was ok.  I kept myself busy, visited with friends and had family come over.  Went to the movies twice.  Went to gentle flow yoga and modified about half the class.  Went on a couple walks a day to increase blood flow. Not only is that allowed, but it is encouraged.  It wasn't easy but I did manage to get through the days ok.

Over the weeknd, Ryan and I went on another walk.  It was very casual and very slow paced always making sure not to increase my heart rate.  Nothing was out of the ordinary.  When we came home, I noticed I was bleeding.  My heart just sank to the floor.  It lasted a few hours.   I cried for a bit, and now I am just numb.  I haven't had any bleeding since then, but I've had bad cramps non-stop.  The bummer about cramps at this phase is it could go either way, it could be the beginning of my period or implantation cramps.  So I don't even know if I should be happy or sad about it.

From experience and from friends experiences, I knew to go on moderate bed rest immediately.  I called the clinic first thing in the morning and they put me on strict bed rest.  I can lay and sit and get up to go to the bathroom, but that is it.  So if I thought the first week was tough, this one is just going to be awful.

I went from feeling very hopeful to just a feeling of defeat.  This October marked 4 years of suffering and dealing with infertility,  I went to my first doctor to discuss infertility in Oct 2011.  Enough is enough.  It is inhumane to live like this anymore.  4 years of drugs and shots that make you crazy and you feel awful.  I just can't do this anymore.  And I'm not even touching on the financial toll that this has taken on us.  We are still hoping and praying for our miracle but I now fear the worst.

Thanks for reading,

HEATHER

2WW

The 2WW (two week wait) is the dreaded time after a transfer and before you find out if you are PG or not.  BFN or BFP???  This is by far one of the hardest thing about infertility.  This is now all mental.  I have done all that I can do leading up to this and now I just pray every second of every day that my embryos have decided to snuggle in and stay.

Right now I am still on blood thinners (nightly awful shots), estrogen, progesterone, steroids and vitamins and supplements.  Physically I have some minor cramping that has gone on non-stop since about a week ago but that's about it.

There are other things that I am trying to do to help.  I am on a website message board that is only for people with infertility.  I asked people that got their BFPs what they did on the day of the transfer and what they did during the 2WW.  Here is the combined list of all that research.  Do I really think that eating a brazil nut a day will be the answer to all my problems, probably not, but it sure doesn't hurt and they do taste pretty yummy.

FET & 2WW Protocols

Eat 2 or more brazil nuts every day
No cold foods during 2WW
Room temperature beverages only for 2WW
No raw fruits or veggies for 2WW
When laying down, lay of left side for improved circulation
Acupuncture immediately after before and after transfer
Crew length socks at all times for two weeks
Think happy thoughts

Pray

Eat pineapple core for bromelain 

Eat walnuts

Eat kiwi

Add ginger to water or tea

Add lemon to water or tea

Do not raise heart rate

Do not raise core body temperature

Watch comedies and try to laugh

Walk or swimming is ok as long as it is gentle

Light yoga is okay with modifications

Today's happy socks

Thanks for reading,

HEATHER