Now it is August 1st and I'm drawn back to the keyboard trying to find a way to deal with all the feelings. All I know is that I am tired of feeling sad and angry all the time. So I am calling August my month of gratitude. Years ago I was so defeated that I never even thought I would have a baby. Then during my pregnancy, the horrible shock of having to say goodbye to one baby and faced with the threat of losing the other, I prayed every day that I would someday get to hold him in my arms and see his smiling face. Well here I sit and I am blessed with love and laughter every day and at least for August I am going to try and focus on that. While I will never get over losing our other baby, I am tasking myself with finding a way to mother the best that I can and find a way to bring that baggage along for the ride that isn't detrimental to either of us. After all we did name him Duncan because it means fighter and boy did he fight to join us Earth side and be a part of our lives. So now I fight to show him that we can cry sometimes, but that we can also pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and find the good out there. When I first started writing this blog it was for myself, I needed to find a way to express how I was feeling. Then I decided to write it for others that didn't have their voice yet. So many folks battling infertility fight it alone. But, now I write it for him. I want him to know his story and how much I loved him for years before we ever met. My goal is to get this printed and bound for him. And just like with our journey, we needed an end point, a time to say we did our best and did all we could, this blog also needs an endpoint. This is just one of the ways I can hope to find that magical mysterious thing called closure. So I'll end this in gratitude to my dear son.Duncan,
You are the stars and the moon and the sun and all that is amazing in my world. I am beyond lucky and grateful to finally be able to hold the title of your mother. I hope one day that you will read this and just know how hard your father and I fought for you. Know that we did all we could. I am so sorry that you entered this world without your twin. I am so devastated for you that your start was with loss. I am heartbroken for how your story began. We all know how strong you are and I hope that through out your life you can call on that strength whenever you need it. You are that fighter that we prayed for. Fight every day for happiness and to see the good in this world. I love you more than words can express.
Love,
Mom
